things that matter most

it's 3 am.*
i hate that it's 3 am.
let me rephrase that:
i hate that it's 3 am and i am awake.
these middle-of-the night feedings are killing me.
by means of slow-and-painfully-brutal exhaustion.
but i know it's just a phase. one that will pass and that i will somewhat forget someday.
but for now, i they're here. and i've got to get through 'em...

sooooo a few nights ago, i decided i needed to boost my low-3-am-spirits and i started reading some conference talks. i was desperate for happy thoughts.
one of the first talks i read was Elder Uchtdorf's most recent talk.
can you say, PERFECT??
meaning, it was the perfect happy thoughts talk for me to read right now.

you see, i've been feeling the pressure lately. (and not just in my chest).
the pressure of an ever-growing to-do list...one that isn't getting very much crossed of of these days...one that is filled with the normal junk that i know all of you can identify with: laundry, stocking the diapers, stocking the wipes, stocking the fridge, more laundry, thank-you notes, folding that laundry, picking up the toys...again (oh, and the shoes and jackets and mail that keep piling up in random corners throughout the house), returning phone-calls, putting away the laundry, writing a witty blog-post, starting the laundry again, planning and executing a dinner plan....before bed-time...man, the list really could drag on and on.
and the fact that i haven't crossed very many things off lately as left me feeling...well, i'll just say it, bad about myself. i've felt like a bad mom.

i've fallen into that rut of comparing myself to others...don't you think it's become sooo easy to do with facebook...and of course, the blogs out there? which is totally lame- because i know i don't post half of what's really going on around here...because that would just be silly. people don't need to know every cold i get or every dish that doesn't get put away....which means others don't necessarily tell me those things either. but even though i know that, i guess it has just seemed that everyone i know with kids, especially the ones who've just had a baby, have rolled into their normal routines seamlessly, doing all they did before, and then some. and yet i'm struggling to get my kiddos bathed every day, let alone myself....struggling to fight the temptation to put on yet another episode of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse--(because even though it drives me crazy, it is somehow keeping me sane too), and struggling to resist eating yet another oreo...because my sugar addiction is out of control, even though i know that will just keep making me feel bad about myself because i want to fit into my pre-prego jeans soooo badddddlly. tear.

wow. yes, i've needed happy thoughts.
so, back to the talk.

the very first caption underneath the title of the talk, "Of things that matter most" says this:

If life and its rushed pace and many stresses have made it difficult for you to feel like rejoicing, then perhaps now is a good time to refocus on what matters most.

wow. um, i had to re-read it to make sure it didn't say, "Dear Marci...."

later it said this:

"Let’s be honest; it’s rather easy to be busy. We all can think up a list of tasks that will overwhelm our schedules. Some might even think that their self-worth depends on the length of their to-do list. (um, did he just read my thoughts?) They flood the open spaces in their time with lists of meetings and minutia—even during times of stress and fatigue (ok seriously. how did he know that i am struggling with fatigue? this is getting weird...). Because they unnecessarily complicate their lives, they often feel increased frustration, diminished joy, and too little sense of meaning in their lives.

It is said that any virtue when taken to an extreme can become a vice. Overscheduling our days would certainly qualify for this. There comes a point where milestones can become millstones and ambitions, albatrosses around our necks."

ok, if the first statement didn't say Dear Marci, then that one surely did.
but this one, this was the real kicker:

My dear brothers and sisters, (ie, Marci, are you listening?) we would do well to slow down a little, proceed at the optimum speed for our circumstances, focus on the significant, lift up our eyes, and truly see the things that matter most...

...Strength comes not from frantic activity but from being settled on a firm foundation of truth and light. It comes from placing our attention and efforts on the basics of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. It comes from paying attention to the divine things that matter most. (the thought of my beautiful little girls...and my hubs...and the word FAMILY...all popped into my mind).
Let us simplify our lives a little. Let us make the changes necessary to refocus our lives on the sublime beauty of the simple, humble path of Christian discipleship—the path that leads always toward a life of meaning, gladness, and peace."

to me, these are the divine things that matter most:

and so, even though my house is a mess,
my face is covered with zits,
and my to-do-list isn't getting any shorter...
i've been blessed with two beautiful baby girls.
i get to be home with my girls.
i get to watch them grow.
i get to teach them about Heavenly Father and Jesus.
i get to have them teach me how to serve and how to love.
i get to be a mama.

life isn't perfect.
but it's good.

xoxo

*this post really was mostly written at 3 am...but of course i fell asleep mid-sentence..only to finish it today at naptime :) *

and out of my funk i came.

*a disclaimer to this post:
i heavily debated whether to post about this or not. because i don't want to give off the aura, "look at me, i'm so special!" or anything like that. but this whole thing was so special to me that i just could not leave it off the blog. i hope you understand and will allow me to indulge on this little sweet occurrence in my life..because it's one i want to remember for always.*

sometimes getting out of a funk is easy.
you can drink a diet coke.
or make yourself some of your favorite chocolate chip cookies (or in my case, enjoy some from a friend).
or even just go read a book, take a nap, or watch your favorite movie.
and then when you return from those things, you feel refreshed.
and energized.
and like you finally got the "you time" that you were craving.
sometimes, when you serve somebody, that does the total trick.
because you forget about yourself and ever needing the "you time."
but sometimes, it's just not that easy.
and you just feel funky.
no matter how much your stuff your face.
and no matter how much you serve your tushie off.
that was last week for me.
i just couldn't snap out of it.
and neither could Ellie. we were both grumpy and grouchy and not sleeping well. we basically fed off of each other's negative energy until i thought we were going to electrocute each other.
by Saturday, i was exhausted.
and relieved to have M's help at home.
he was so sweet.
he asked me,
"what is the one thing you want to get done today?"
and i said,
"i want to paint the baby's room."
so to Home Depot we went. buying like 8 different shades of lavender/purple to paint swatches on our little nursery walls. (lavender is a hard color to get right!) he helped me choose the perfect one. and then he used his manly muscles and shuffled all the junk outta there so we could spend his one free day painting, painting, painting.
so evening came.
brief interjection (not to be confused with an "undies interjection"... this is a family-centered blog, people.): i have this wonderful friend Sandi. everyone should know Sandi. she's the type of person who makes everyone in the world feel like she's their best friend...sincerely and genuinely. she can talk to just about anyone, and know everything about them in less than 10 seconds. she's the most easy-going person in the whole wide world-- one who serves her little tushie off like no one i've ever seen. i was lucky enough to meet Sandi and become friends with her when we lived at my in-law's house, as she is their neighbor and in their ward. she's the one with the cute little red-headed Cale, who has become one of Ellie's best friends. she also has a little 6 month old girl on top of it- and yet still asks me constantly what she can do for me. really, Sandi? i should be asking YOU what i can do for YOU, is what comes to my mind. she is so thoughtful and mindful of everyone around her- and one of the best bakers/cooks on the planet. i've been very fortunate to partake in her yummy concoctions on multiple occasions.
so now that you know Sandi, let me press on out of this brief interjection.

Sandi had been asking me for weeks if she could take me out for dessert one night. she said it was to "celebrate the baby!" before she arrives...but it just seemed like such a hassle for her. and i just didn't want to put her out like that. then Saturday night came- and while i was inches away from canceling (because nothing sounded better than just laying on my bed after my funky week and a day of painting) i knew that going out with Sandi would probably be just what i needed to boost my spirits.
she came over around 8.
we instantly started gabbing our brains out.
until we randomly showed up at a friends' house in the ward. "we're picking up Allie too. is that ok?"
sure, i thought. i love Allie.
then into Allie's house we went.
some pink boxes caught my eye.
i heard faint voices coming from the yard.
and then i saw all these presents on the coffee table.
"Sandi, are you being tricky?"
and then a collective shout of "SURPRISE!" rings from outside.
it took a minute (or five) for my pregnant brain to register that this was a party for me.
that Sandi, and all of these wonderful women there, had thrown a surprise baby shower for me.
(dang it, i knew i should have washed my hair...)
it didn't take me long to turn into a big weeping willow with sap running down my cheeks.
because it was just about the most thoughtful thing that i'd ever seen.
(even remembering the whole thing is bringing tears to my eyes again.)
it was so lovely- all outside under these beautiful lights:

decorated in a beautiful "nest/birds/bird cage" theme-

with a dessert table called a "tweet" table...adorned with the most delicious desserts that you could taste just by looking at them.

it couldn't have been more perfect.
it was wonderful to sit, relax, stuff our faces with endless amounts of deliciousnesses, gab about baby names and labor stories and other gory details that are assumed topics of conversation at baby showers...and on my part, feel an overwhelming sense of love and sisterhood.

thank you to all you wonderful ladies- for taking time to come on your weekend...and making such wonderful desserts to share...for the sweet thoughtful gifts for our soon-to-be baby girl, and for being the kind of women i hope to be like someday. you have no idea how much this night meant to me, and will mean to me forever.

and thank you Sandi. i know there were others who helped you...especially by just coming!, but i know you and your generous, larger than life heart. and i'm so lucky that i do. your thoughtfulness inspires me every day!

and after that, i went home.
and cried my eyes out to M.
told him how lucky i was and we are.
cried some more.
and just like that, the funk was gone.
because no matter how hard it wanted to stay, feeling that much love doesn't let funkyness stay around.

xoxo

*photos courtesy of Jenny & Melita...thanks for capturing so much of the night!

p.s. up next on the blog: Disneyland! featuring Ellie as Snow White, meeting Snow White, a walk with Mary Poppins and much more, playing at the park, joy school at our house, and the debut of our lovely lavender purple nursery. love you all!

missing.

(slight disclaimer: i wrote this post last night...but outta legitimate fear of the boogie man and other less-than-fictional creepers out there knowing that my man was gone, and coming to my house to hide in my closet or bed or other creepy things...i waited till this morning to post it...thank goodness M returns from traveling today.)

i'm laying in my bed, by myself with Oreo cookie crumbs scattered on my chest and sheets (yes, i broke my own rule of no eating in the bed) and having a hard time falling asleep. oh and i may or may not be watching the Glee season finale...for like the 15th time.

yep, it's true...M is traveling yet again...it feels like he's never home for longer than 10 seconds these days, before he's off again. such a weird reality to be in...one that i don't like one bit..but that doesn't seem to be going away any time soon. and so i continue to suffer from traveling-husband-has-turned-me-into-a-widow-disease....aka: loneliness. fine, i'll admit it, i get terribly lonely.

now let me back up: i consider myself a fairly independent person. i like doing my own thang- and i can handle Ellie by myself, and eating by myself and picking up by myself and even watching shows by myself. in fact, it's kinda nice sometimes to not have to worry about another human being at the end of the day and if their needs are being met. but that usually lasts for about a day...until i just feel like part of my little soul is missing.

that missing feeling especially happens when its time to go to bed. i despise going to bed by myself- i am a scaredy cat. All of a sudden i see weird shadows everywhere, hear random noises in my bathroom and kitchen, and the bed seems enormous...like its going to swallow me and never ever regurgitate me.

to make matters worse, i even have terrible nightmares- like how last night i dreamed that M divorced me after the baby was born and married his cousin. sick, right? but it was terribly realistic and had me waking up in tears...with no M to console me to reassure me that he loves me and is not into incest.

and so tonight i am thinking about my M, while he is traveling, yet again, and how much i love him. and about how even though i can be miss independent for about 10 seconds, i much prefer being Mrs. Chapman.



do any of you have the traveling-husband-disease? how do you cope? just curious.

i obviously cope with excessive amounts of facebook status updates, reruns of my favorite shows, Oreo crumbs in my bed, and pointless blog posts. thank heavens he comes home soon :)

xoxo

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

i'm an emotional pile of poop.

seriously.
i am.
like, when the dishwasher broke, and the guy told me it was going to cost $188.36 to fix, i cried.
and it's still broken.
but he promised he'd be back to fix it.
so while hand-washing one of the millions of dishes from breakfast this morning, i cried again. i hate washing dishes.

and when our brand-spankin'-new drier mysteriously stopped working. on our 3rd use. i cried then, too. how can something you JUST bought for HUNDREDS of dollars give you an error and randomly stop working? i don't get that. it's very aggravating. especially when you only have like 3 things you feel cute in, and those 3 things need to be dried by your dryer. so then i go pioneer-woman-style, and dry them on a clothes-line outside. only for them to fall off into the dirt (because 1- i'm not a pioneer-woman, and didn't realize hanging clothes takes skill, and 2- our backyard is overflowing with awesome dirt right now. it's pretty classy). and get all wet + dirty = muddy. yeah, i cried then too.

and when Ellie got into PAINT (while i was washing those stupid dishes i told you about). paint that i JUST BOUGHT. and i ran to rinse it off, and my hand knocked the scentsy candle plugged into the electrical outlet by the sink...and spilled hot wax all over me + the countertop....all 10 minutes before i had to be at Young Womens. WITH Ellie. because M is out of town. yeah, you guessed it. i cried then too.

and when the lady today at Six Flags Discovery Kingdom (where we have our passes) told me that i couldn't ride the train because i'm pregnant (which goes seriously like 2 miles an hour. if that)- which meant that Ellie couldn't ride it because she needed to be accompanied by an adult...i cried. and then i sucked in my pregnant belly real good and told her i wasn't pregnant. and she laughed in my face. and then the tears flowed freely. so then, the rest of the day, i sucked in so hard that i made myself sick, so i just looked like i had eaten 5 too many funnel cakes instead of looking like i was hoarding a human like i am....all so that Ellie could ride the rides...

and so then, even in happy moments, i've started crying. because my eyes are just really good at it these days. like when Ellie woke up yesterday, and wanted me to rock her in the chair. and kissed my arm. and my cheek. and for a minute, i just wanted it to be me + her forever. not any other baby. because we're already a good team. and i love her so much. and i don't want her to not be my baby anymore. i cried then thinking about that.

and then i thought about having a baby in the house. and that made me so happy. and so i cried because i was so happy. because babies are so sweet. and gentle. and Ellie will be such a good big sister. and i'm so excited for her to have that in her life. and so i cried thinking of Ellie being a big sister, and me being a mama to an infant again. that time, i cried pretty hard. it may have been a little bit of a freaked-out cry (infants tend to do that to me) + a happy excited cry too.

and when we saw Toy Story 3- well, i cried like 3 different times throughout that movie. like, the credits were barely over...before the movie even began, and i already had tears in my eyes. not just little ones either. big globby ones falling down my cheeks.

and when i had to say goodbye to my family when we left So Cal on Sunday- well, that was major tearage. and i cried in the car for a good ten minutes. and now, when i look at my pictures from my trip, i cry too. because i miss my family so much. and even when i look at a picture that has M in it, i cry. because i miss him too. and i'm sick of him traveling. it's the pits. (and so now i will insert pictures here. because it seems to fit. and what's a post without pictures, anyway?)

{in Gammy + Pop's backyard...on our 3rd..or 4th...or 5th (can't really keep 'em straight) bbq}

{believe it or not, it was chilly in So Cal while we were there...so yes, we enjoyed some hot-tubbin. no worries, i didn't boil baby-girl for too long :) }

{at Seaport Village in San Diego...Ellie looovved chasing the giant kites.}

{she was a little surprised when it hit her though...hehe}

{this is quite possibly thee most awkward picture known to man. why am i holding Ellie like that? and what's with my bang-o-rangs? and don't you think Shamu's face is just a little too happy to be a killer whale? just sayin.' still, Ellie LOVES Sea World. and so do i.}

{yeah, Ellie's a little attached. it's a bit of a problem}

{but, bring out some dolphins and amazing acrobats, and we're golden.}

{Sea World's the best.}

{and of course, we blew lots, and lots, and LOTS of bubbles at Gammy + Pops house. wow. the addiction lives strong.}

{my favorite thing we did was celebrate my sister Mimi's 19th birthday- we went down to the Pier, and brought this portable bon-fire pit thingie...and spent a good 30-45 minutes trying to light the thing (thank goodness M showed up-- and saved the day)- but then enjoyed pizza + cupcakes + smores...and of course the sand + the ocean waves. it was a blast}

{Ellie was so excited to see her dadda (who had been traveling for work all week, and met up with us at the Pier. i admit it, i was prett-y darn excited to see him too}

{cute birthday girl Mimi + her friend Johnny. maybe they'll be more than friends someday? she'll probably kill me for writing that on my blog. oh well.}

{this is about as good as a family photo gets these days}

{i love my sister. and i love her shirt. i might steal it when i'm skinny again someday. sigh. someday. will i be skinny again someday?}

{cute Mama who made the whole thing happen- she always goes all out for us on our birthdays. bless her. she's the best.}

{and after all that partying, we needed a good day to just chillax and lay out. Ellie did just that. with her bubble gun. seriously, she's a bubbles addict. wait, did i say that already?}

{and we spent our last moments on the beach. M catching the waves...}

{with my Pops...}

{and Ellie, in rock-throwing heaven.}

 {and just because this picture makes me laugh, i'm going to include it. why does Mimi look so tall in this picture? it doesn't help that we're looking up at her...but really, she looks like 10 feet tall. whoa. i love my family.}

(P.S. Sean + Court + Rosalie- you were missed. as always. i hope we get to see you sometime soon!)

it's no surprise why i cried when i left, huh?

so if you see me, don't be surprised if you see salt on my cheeks. i can't really get it off. i'm turning into a human version of the salt-flats. and truthfully, i'm ok with that.
because i'm pregnant.
and that's the best excuse ever for being an emotional pile of poop.

xoxo

a lot.

hi.
i'm finally blogging again. it's a multi-tasking-type-of-a-blog-post.
you see, i'm in the bathroom while Ellie busily splishes and splashes with her crazy-bath-antics and i'm making myself write something, anything, from my phone. i've wanted to write about so many things lately-- but i seem to have been in a funk of sorts. not sure the exact cause of the funkiness- but there has been a lot going on the last few weeks:
a lot of emotions.
a lot of excitement.
a lot of grumpiness (of which i will graciously spare the details).
a lot of lonely moments now that M is officially a working man.
a lot of fun moments deciding paint colors and backyard landscaping and favorite baseboards.
a lot of stressful moments making all of theses house decisions with a crazy 16 month old who firmly believes the world is her stage...and therefore acts out randomly and in the most inconvenient ways possible.
a lot of anxious moments wondering how all this house stuff will come together.



a lot of visits to see the "puntins" (pumpkins) in various locations throughout Utah and northern California.
a lot of costume planning (you know me and my Chapman-family-costume-ensembles....you just wait for our reveal this year. it's gonna be epic).
a lot of missing family and friends.
a lot of chasing a crazy child in every direction imaginable.
a lot of wishing i was better at putting myself out there to be kind and make new friends.
a lot of phone conversations to make up for my lack of friend-making-skills.
and a lot of unsolicited (and solicited) love, snuggles, hugs and kisses from Ellie (and mr. M, of course) to help me feel that what President Gordon B Hinckley once said is very true:
it will all work out.

and so i wrote a lot about a lot of nothing.
and will now promise to write something with substance tomorrow.
or maybe the next day.

xoxo

home

i think my favorite thing about my little family is that we can go 1,000 miles away....
and the kisses are just as sweet,
the hugs are just as warm,
and the love is just as strong.

they say that home is where the heart is...
and while pieces of my heart are still in utah,
pieces of my heart also belong with these two cute little humans.


and so, slowly but surely,
i'm feeling at home.

and that feels nice.

more real updates to come real soon.
(including airport drama, ellie funny's, and confessions).

stay tuned!

xoxo

an emotional geyser

tonight, i'm feeling emotionally geysered.

what does that mean exactly, you ask?

well, a geyser is basically like an explosion. all this pressure builds up under the earth, and then all of a sudden, WABAM! it explodes. and if you're a cool enough explosion, people gather from all over the world and take pictures by you and name you a dog's name like "old faithful."

anyways.

tonight is my last night here in utah.
and thus the explanation for my geyser-ing.
i think i've been unusually strong amidst this huge change.
but tonight, i just want to be a little girl, curled up in my mom and dad's bed, and for them to go get that loved-to-death (literally) blanket of mine and tell me everything is going to be alright.
instead, i get to be the grown-up, offering a blankie (and a very adorable little pig) to my little girl to tell her that everything is going to be alright...even though deep down, can i really be so sure?

but i have to say this:

i am sure.

while i am sad, and dramatically tearful at this moment, i am at peace. because exactly one year ago, my sweet hubby and i had the most peaceful of experiences as we both knew with overwhelming certainty that California was where our little family needed to be at this time.
and so that's where we will go.
and so, brave i will be. because my baby needs me to be. because my hubby needs me to be. because i need me to be.

and there's not much more to say tonight than that.

xoxo

grumpy post

oh hi.

my name is marci.

i post as "marce." (pronounced like this: mar-sssssss). because that's what my friends call me. and my family too. it's my nickname.
you may not remember me because....well, i fell off the planet, adopted a crazy child, and moved to kansas where tornadoes run rampant (aka, i've been running here and there trying to get my life in order, have a one-year-old who suddenly decided that dumping out boxes of cheerios and unpacking every packed box is the fun thing to do (toys are so overrated), and thus, my house resembles a tornado zone).

nice to see you again.

i really, really don't want to post. because i feel sad and mad and don't feel like being all cute and fuzzy and trying to find something brilliant to say. (whoa, maybe i woke up on the wrong side of my air mattress this morning? {did i mention that all of our furniture is gone?})

so, i'm going to sulk. for today. and maybe another week.
because i'm not ready for the move.
but ready or not, the move is ready for me.
so here it comes.
watch out, San Fran.

wish me luck.
(and a small amount of tears....because no tears.....is just not how it's going to be).

xoxo

p.s. since a post is just not a post without pictures, here's my tribute to summer as it slips from our fingers.......viva seven peaks and canyon camp fires!
dear utah, i already miss you. love, marce.

murphy's law

or should it be chapman's law?
i mean, who is murphy? and why does he get a law?

i was just reading up on murphy's law on wikipedia. man, i'm a wiki junkie. i pretty much think it's like an encyclopedia for dummies. so it's perfect for someone like me. anyway, wikipedia explains Murphy's law as:

anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.

wow. has Murphy been eavesdropping into my life the last few weeks?

let me give you some scenarios...and then you tell me if it should be called chapman's law or not.

scenario #1: the birthday party

weeks of beautiful weather in may. lovin' the sunshine. a bubble bath birthday party (including kiddie pools, bubbles, and ducks ducks ducks) would be perfect! of course i have this lovely expectation of everyone sipping lemonade, having otter pops and splashing each other in the sun saying to themselves, "this is the best birthday party i have EVER been to."

think again, lady.

then the most bizarre 400% precipitation for june rolls in. what!? isn't it summer? of course, our hopes were brightened the day of the party as we woke up to blue skies and sunshine. my prayers had been answered! all day i cooked, baked, prepared, wrapped gifts, set up decorations... the party was to start at 3:00. i look outside at 2:00 as M was shivering setting up the kiddie pools (what a man i have). i could hear his voice in my head saying, "well, maybe we should have a plan B." my little yapper snapped back, "no. it won't rain. there IS NO plan B." 2:30 rolls around. meeeaaannnn clouds growled in the west. M comes inside, "those clouds are heading towards us." again, i snapped back, "the clouds don't ALWAYS come from the west!!........or do they?" the clock strikes 2:50. people start to arrive. and down pours the rain. luckily, E didn't notice the rain. she loved her gifts, her cake, spending time with her little friends and family, and of course, all the ducks.


5:00- the party ends. 5:15- the rain stops.

seriously.

scenario #2 the car
looking forward to an awesome birthday party back in october. missed it because of car troubles (you can read more about it here). quick re-cap of unfortunate events: our engine broke down on I-15...which led to us buying a new one...which led to us having our car serviced for like 3 weeks- or more like FOREVER- which led to us being car-less FOREVER...which led to us ultimately buying a new car (well, new to us, it's a 2007). you don't expect to have problems with your new car right? think again. on our way to a friends birthday party today (has anyone else noticed how these murphyisms all surround birthday parties? what does that mean?) we hear the most bizarre noise- it was like a semi was tailgating us so closely that it was hitting our bumper or something. then we felt a BOOM and we knew...the tire blew out. what? aren't these tires brand new? are we seriously on the shoulder of i-15 right now? how did we not just die? will E stop crying already? then i take E out of the car. what is that wetness on my leg? did she just pee on me? (she was wearing a swim-diaper...and while those are handy for the pools because they don't swell up...they are NOT handy in any other situation because...well...they don't absorb and swell up.). yikes.


agree with me about chapman's law yet?

scenario #3 the diet
M and i have been on this health/exercise craze. M has a friend who is interning with a nutrition/personal training company that is using him as a guinea pig. but M has to be a very obedient guinea pig so that his friend can really learn the ropes and his results can be accurate so that he can become credible as a trainer (whew, i think that was a run-on sentence). anyways. so we've been really, really good. really. no sugar in this house. whole wheat everything. light yogurt. and mayo. and cheese. and anything else that can be light. yes, we're serious here. well, tonight i just couldn't take it anymore. i blame it on all these wacky hormones floating around my weaning body. well, i saw those oreos...the ones that i never used that i bought for E's party a few weeks ago..and they were just calling out my name. "eat me, eat me. marci, you loooovveee my chocolatey goodness." and i thought to myself, "yes mr. o! i do love you. who cares about a skinny butt."

so i looked around to see if anyone was looking (aka M), and i grabbed the oreos ever so quietly and subtly (i was going to sneak them under my shirt and lock myself in my bedroom and pretend to be earnestly preparing my YW lesson for tomorrow. what? don't tell me you've never secretly eaten treats before). well, i wasn't so subtle. that huge sam's club bag of pistachios that i thought was such a good deal decided to lurch itself onto me (and of course it didn't have a clip on it) and it spilled. all. over. EVERYWHERE. and did i mention that it made a huge noise? and did i mention that M was like, "hey, what are YOU doing?" and did i mention that he saw the oreos? and then asked me what i was doing with them? and then i couldn't secretly eat in peace?

stupid murphy.

well. there are many other scenarios. but i'll just leave it at those three.

so what do you think?

* update *

i'd like to add a scenario #4 to my list:

scenario #4 sacrament meeting
yes, in the less-than-twelve-hours-ago that happened after i wrote this post, i have another murphysim to add to my list....one that just couldn't go undocumented.

we get a call- a meeting with the bishop before sacrament meeting.
we get another call- we're saying prayers in this sacrament meeting.
in my heart of hearts, i knew i was going to be released from my calling in the YW presidency. i was very sad about it. of course, we were running late...we got there 5 minutes before the meeting was to begin...but bishop insists on meeting with us. he was blunt and prompt: "thank you for your service sister chapman. you will now be released. the end." (ok, it was a little nicer than that, but that's how i remember it in my brain. we are so dispensable in the church, aren't we?)

so he shuffled us out of there reallly really fast. and he was conducting the meeting. it begins. tears start welling up in my eyes...inevitably. hello! i'm a girl!! and even though sometimes i complain about how time-consuming it is, or how i am nervous to teach a lesson, or yadda yadda yadda, having a calling makes us feel worthwhile...like we are contributing something. and hello! i love the girls! and the ladies i've served with have become such good friends! i love them. and will miss them. and will inevitably feel left out when they still meet for YW without me on Sundays and Wednesdays. sigh.

anyway, so after the world's shortest song, it was my turn to pray.
i say a pretty decent prayer...considering how distracting E was being.
i say amen.
i look to E.
she's pretty much freakin out now.
and.
WOOPPPPSSSSIEEESSSS.
there are STAIRS THERE.
yeah.
i fall.
you heard me.
I FELL.
i almost swear.
YOU HEARD ME.
what!? in sacrament meeting????

back to the falling part:
the four-inch heels that i thought looked so hot this morning were suddenly the stupidest things ever. i wanted to throw them out the door and i wanted to die. and everyone was looking at me. and please, can someone take the attention off of me for a second??

thank goodness, bishop starts talking again.

"we'd like to release the following sister from her calling: sister chapman as YW second counselor."

all the attention right back on me.
grrreat.

needless to say, i ran out of there as fast as i could. straight for the door. went outside. BAWLED MY EYES OUT. (i'm hormonal, remember?)

case in point: anything that can go wrong WILL GO WRONG.
the end.

(p.s. sorry i'm so dramatic :) ).

xoxo

wrinkles and peanut butter.

{a picture that has nothing to do with my post...but is included because all posts are better with pictures}

i'm ex-haust-ed.

but i can't sleep.
it could be all that excedrin i took about 6 hours ago. and then that diet sunkist.
caffeine unfortunately affects me.
bad.

so i'm blogging.
it's not often that you'll see me up at 12:10 am.
i'm NOT a night owl.
but i keep thinking.
and thinking.
which leads to my crazy thoughts.
which leads to you hearing my crazy thoughts.
sorry about that.
but i warned you that i think a lot.

so, back to my thoughts.

today, when i got in the car after a long day of teaching, i checked myself in the mirror to look just how haggard i looked (like i always do). much to my horror, i noticed two frightening things:

1. wrinkles under my eyes.
seriously! wrinkles! i even touched them...tried to stretch them out and tighten the skin to make them go away. and they wouldn't. stubborn things. is it just because i'm so tired? i've been so stressed to finish these 4 classes for my licensing...and sleep has been at the bottom of my priority list. is wrinkly skin a price i am willing to pay for my teaching license? no one warned me about this. i mean, i'm only 23. wrinkles at 23!?? (can you tell i am hyperventilating?)

anyways.
i was distracted away from my frightening wrinkles when i noticed the second freaky thing:

2. a big dollop of crusty peanut butter smeared on my left cheek.
(not bum cheek, face cheek...just in case you were confused). yes, there was left-over peanut butter smeared on my face from my PB&J...4 hours prior to that moment. (let's just say, it's been one of those weeks).

i immediately wondered and thought about all the adults i had interacted with that day. i wondered if they had noticed my sloppy face. i wondered what those who noticed thought about me and my peanut butter face.

i then thought about my sweet little kindergartners...and was so grateful for the accepting, happy-go-lucky-ness of five-year olds. it made me think of two things i love so much about these little humans:

1. i love how they don't notice things like peanut-butter faces. they don't see germs. they don't see color. they don't see brand names. they don't judge.

2. i love how even if they did notice my peanut-butter face, they accepted me anyway. they probably related to my peanut-butter face and instead of being horrified for me (like some adults probably were) they probably thought, "i love peanut butter sandwiches! i ate one for lunch too!" i love how they find the best in everything and everyone.

and so tonight,
i'm so grateful for my peanut-butter-face-loving friends.
and while i'm so excited to be 100% mom in four short weeks (insert toe-touch here)
i'll be sad to not be Mrs. Peanut-Butter-Face-Chapman anymore.

change is bittersweet,
isn't it?

xoxo

we're leavin on a jet plane...

i remember back to my freshman year of college, i decided to take up the guitar. one of the very first songs we learned was leaving on a jet plane by john denver. ever since i learned that song, i always think of it when "leaving" comes to mind.

sniff.

yes.

we're leaving.

as most of you know, M did an internship in the bay area this past summer. at the end of much blood, sweat, and tears (on his part), he was offered a job.

a couple of weeks ago, M sealed the deal by signing his life away to deloitte & touche in san fran.


sounds exotic, right? life in san francisco! but it's weird...because i think of myself as an adventurous person. but this leaving has me all scared, psyched out, shakin in my boots. i find myself "attached" to this utah place. i like the green jello. i like being around for family get-togethers and parties. i like seeing a steeple on every corner. i like the big mountains all up in my grill. i like finding a huge selection of modest clothing stores.

don't get me wrong, i'm 100% confident this is the right thing to do. and i'm excited for the adventure. so many amazing things to do and see in the bay area! and to be close to M's family! but. i'm still scared. in fact, i'm a big fat scaredy pants. how is that possible? it's not like we're moving to jupiter. i can leave on a jet plane to the beehive state just as easy as i can leave on a jet plane to san fran, right?

sigh.

three months: then and now.

behold, the truth about Ellie:

it's amazing how much changes in three months. three months ago, i felt huge and uncomfortable...i felt anxious and excited...i felt ready, yet not ready for what would come.

{41 Weeks Pregnant}

then Ellie came to us. the first week, i was excited and hopeful, and of course exhausted. Ellie was a little miracle. i was constantly in awe that this little person really was ours.

{Ellie at 1 day old}

then, Ellie wouldn't sleep. she was never one of those babies that would just get wiped out and fall asleep wherever they were. she started getting "fussy." she cried a lot. in fact, she cried way more than i had expected a little infant to cry. there were many sleepless nights. nursing took FOREVER. she was very, very alert...and seemed frustrated by her inability to move around in this little body. for weeks, i was in denial that Ellie was colicky. i felt like colic somehow reflected something negative on me as a mom. i felt like i should be able to console my baby. i tried to remain calm and patient- but it was very difficult sometimes...i cried a lot. she didn't even like it when i held her- she wanted to be put down. i longed for cuddling and snuggling my baby.

{Ellie on the Fourth of July- almost 4 weeks old}

we tried everything to help Ellie get over her fussiness. we tried formula instead of nursing. didn't help at all. i put her on a strict schedule- of which we never deviated from. it helped a little. i read a book called the happiest baby on the block (thanks jen) which helped a lot. we became faithful swaddlers, swingers (acutally BOUNCERS would more accurately describe it), stomach-holders, shhhh-ers, and offerers of sucking (nursing, binkies, etc). bouncing helped a lot...but she became addicted. everyone who was associated with Ellie in the previous months knows that she could only be consoled by a tight swaddle, a bink and bouncing. it was crazy. needless to say, i was exhausted all the time.

{Ellie swaddled, with binky- seconds after rigorous bouncing}

that was the old Ellie.

let me tell you about three month Ellie:
it's like a switch has gone off! she is sooo happy!
she smiles like crazy
she loves to be held (i type this with tears welling up in my eyes!)
she loves sucking on her fingers (instead of her bink). this has helped tremendously with self-soothing
she can finally fall asleep WITHOUT bouncing [insert huge HOORAY here!]
she loves to sit and watch baby einstein
she loves the baby bjorn- and will hang out there while i do anything from cooking to blowdrying my hair
she loves making giant spit-bubbles
she rolls over
she is scooting
she loves the "big girl" bath
she talks like crazy (cooing, etc)
she gets more adorable with each and every day.

{Ellie's adorable smile on her blessing day}

{Ellie letting me snuggle and hold her!}

don't get me wrong; i was in love with colicky Ellie. she has always had my heart. i was just often exasperated. i couldn't figure out what to do sometimes. it is my belief that three month Ellie has entered our lives as a gift for sticking it out patiently with colicky Ellie. there are still tricky moments- but overall, life has 180'd. i'm proud to say we have conquered the colic. to all you new mommies out there (or mommies to be)- hang in there! you can do it! it gets better and better each and every day.

and to my Ellie:
i'm so happy you came into our lives three months ago! you have been a little monster sometimes, but you are the cutest little monster on the planet. thank you for being my new little best friend. i love you!

the popped button.

so, this past weekend i have come to terms with a dubious truth: i am an emotional wreck.

now, i'm definitely blaming ALL of this on the pregnancy. i usually am a much more stable human...but somehow i'm aboard the weeping rollercoaster and am personifying a clearly irrational version of myself. let me explain.

on thursday, my cute cousin Caleb married the love of his life, Dany. i was able to be there the whole day, enjoying the temple sealing, the luncheon, lots of family, laughs, chilly weather, dancing, cake-cutting, sweating, loving, kissing, and everything else that could accompany weddings.

well, i was going to be seeing tons of people i knew this day- since Caleb's family lives in my neighborhood, and since he attended my high school, and since we had TONS of family coming out for the event. so, of course i wanted to be dressed for the occasion! i picked out this darling black dress my mom bought me (comfy enough to pass for maternity) and this beautiful long white coat that i bought for my own engagement pictures. well, this beautiful white coat is adorned with sparkly rhinestone buttons along the front...and was already missing one at the start of the day. luckily, i picked out this fuzzy black scarf and it covered up the broken button...so nobody would know it was missing but me. sure, it was a little snug- but everything fit a little snug these days. so i went with the black and white ensemble and left the house feeling fabulous!

well, the day went on....and, well, wedding days are long! lots of pictures, lots of hugs, lots of questions about baby chappy- all wonderful things - but definitely an exhausting day. after indulging in yummy rolls and decadent desserts at the luncheon, we went up to the reception hall in the Joseph Smith Memorial Building and took a seat around one of the tables. i was feeling a little more "full" than i did at the beginning of the day. well, as soon as i leaned over to take a seat (something which has become increasingly uncomfortable in the passing weeks) i heard a faint little "pop" and something drop to the floor. i looked around to see if anyone else heard it...and then looked to the ground and saw a glistening rhinestone button rocking itself slowly to a STOP on the floor. i had popped a button.

now, up until this moment, i had been overly enthused to gain weight and "show." i was so excited for everyone to finally just know that i am pregnant. all of this changed with the popped button. i suddenly felt like an engorged toad...one who can barely lean over his lily pad to fetch a fly for dinner. i looked down at my jacket...the thread all distorted...and looked around again, giving a fake smile to keep in with the conversation. i didn't want anyone to notice...because i had just popped a button due to the increasing size of my tummy.

of course someone noticed...the jacket wouldn't stay together. my poor sister-in-law was the victim. she was just trying to be courteous to say that she'd fix it...but i couldn't hear her as i ran out of the room into the nearest bathroom stall. i was crying by this point...passing family members and friends. yes, i was crying over a popped button.

but soon, my mom came into the bathroom and talked some sense in me. it wasn't long before i realized that i was acting like one of my 5 year old kindergartners who doesn't win a prize at the end of the day... or better yet, like a 3 year old...who had just dropped her ice-cream scoop off of her cone or something ridiculous like that. i felt like an idiot. it was at this point that i wished i was a bear who could crawl into a hole to hibernate for the winter and just let my belly rise like a loaf of bread for no one to see.

now, a short 4 days later, i realize that this is all part of the adventure called "pregnancy." i'm ready to embrace this emotionally ship-wrecked version of myself...and try to make her ready to sail again. all aboard, ahoy!