the timing of pregnancy number 4 has been pretty crazy. it wasn't on purpose but it seems like all of my milestones have mirrored the milestones in my pregnancy with Max. it's been challenging in a lot of ways because i've re-lived a lot of feelings that i wasn't really prepared to relive. but it's been good too to feel Max close again.
last year at this time on the day before thanksgiving was when we found out there was complications in my pregnancy. this year, on the very same day, we had our ultrasound to determine gender of baby #4 and to see how my pregnancy is progressing (up until this point, i have been extremely high risk due to my previous circumstances with Max). well, today we are celebrating at the news that we are having another precious baby boy - and he is 100% healthy. and as sweet as can be, he even gave his ole mama a little wave. seeing that little hand still brings tears to my eyes.
i can't tell you the amount of joy i feel when i think of this baby. especially thinking of him and his brother Max together in heaven. i know that they are best buddies - and i can't wait to know them both. i am so grateful for the immense trust and blessing God has given me to nurture and grow this baby. it is truly a miracle, and i pray i can be the mama he is hoping i'll be.
now don't get confused anyone....
(i mean, anyone referring to my 3 loyal readers who have remained true through my 18 month hiatus)
this is a FLASHBACK.
to when i found out i was pregnant with Jack.
don't go starting any rumors that i'm pregnant. because i'm most certainly not. gosh. i need a good couple thousand days' break this time around.
so the big topic was lurking in the air between M and i and this point of our lil journey was -- now when do we get pregnant again? do we even want to get pregnant again?
it was such a challenging topic. because on one hand, i had JUST had a baby. my pregancy was so tough! i had gotten so big and it was really hard on my body. i ached all over. i was so exhausted. physically it sounded so hard. and emotionally, well, i felt broken. i was physically exhausted partially because of my emotional exhaustion... was pregnancy really the answer to fix all of that? wouldn't it make things worse? what if we did get pregnant our next baby had struggles too?
now, aside from it being all about ME (geeze, i'm so selfish sometimes), i also thought of the girls - specifically of Ellie, who was definitely old enough to have her own reactions and emotions toward the whole experience. i worried about them - and how they'd view pregnancy and having children if we didn't have any more. would they think that death was a normal ending to pregnancy? would they fear that chapter when it came for them?
aside from these feelings were the very real feelings that never left my side of the longing for a baby. getting to bring a baby home. getting to love and nurture him - bathe him and dress him. for the girls to love on him tirelessly and teach him and giggle with him. i knew with all my heart that we did have more children waiting for us. and when it came down to it, i felt deeply impressed like the only thing that could help heal me and heal us was to have another baby.
enter PREGNANCY #4.
i got pregnant and was IMMEDIATELY SO sick and SO exhausted. on top of that, i was SO perplexed by my emotions regarding the whole thing. as i previously stated, i was confident that having a baby would be the thing that would help heal me and heal us. but i think i expected that healing to come immediately and was completely blindsided when it didn't. in my journal, i wrote, "I'm not really ready to delve into how I am feeling about the pregnancy yet. I'm so confused by my emotions and reactions. I'm sad and I miss Max. And all of a sudden I remember too many things that I had almost forgotten. Most of which is that this baby isn't Max. This isn't bringing him back. I hope he knows that I am not trying to replace him. In spite of those confusing feelings I'm having, I am deeply happy and incredibly anxious to have a baby.... While I am cautious, I must add that I am supermely grateful. I hope I can be the mama that this baby needs."
when we told the girls about the baby, they had a similar reaction. they were cautious. it wasn't like when we had told them we were pregnant a year ago and it was so carefree. you could tell that they didn't know how to express it but they didn't jump up and down to celebrate. and maybe they really mirrored how i was feeling. because there would be a lot to happen before we would get a little baby here. and that's a hard fact to embrace. so much uncertainty all over again. it takes so much faith in God- to know that he is control. and that it will work out as it should. but at the end of the day, in spite of hard things and challenging times, i do have that faith in Him. He has never let me down before and i know He never will.
and so, with that, here we go, pregnancy #4!
whoa.
^^ these pictures were how we announced on instagram/facebook that we were expecting! while their initial reaction to me being pregnant was cautious, i knew they were really excited...especially Ellie who wouldn't stop drawing pictures of our family with another baby in tow. cutest lil humans!
Monday March 11, i'll be induced, if Max doesn't come on his own before then. i'll be 37 weeks. it's truly a miracle to have made it this far! my doctors are always shocked to see me at another appointment. in fact, one doc said to me yesterday, "i just have to admit, i was not expecting to still be seeing you here! what the heck!?" amen, brotha. but even though i'm soooooo uncomfortable, and soooooo achy-pained, and soooooo over-boiling with fluid, i really really really hope he makes it till Monday so that i can be induced. the idea of having Max in a very controlled, very calculated/planned/during-the-day environment sounds so appealing to me, especially with all of his special needs. not to mention, it'd be better for him.
you see, he isn't growing very well. in my recent appointments, he is measuring in the less than 10th percentile...which isn't good for all the potential surgeries he will likely need when he is born. still, my fluid levels are through the roof, causing all the techs to come in throughout my appointments and say, "how high is she today?" "have we passed 50 cm's yet?", "isn't that the highest we've seen? you poor thing....."(the highest i've measured is 50 cm's of fluid.... and just to give you an idea: the normal range is somewhere between 5-15 cm of fluid at this stage of pregnancy....high fluid is anything above 24 cm. so i'm measuring like four times the average amount, and twice the "that's too high" mark. yeah, i'm basically an over-inflated water bed....ready to pop). normally they'd induce me right now because of all of this fluid -- because there are other risks with the potential force of my water breaking on its own....and yet, Max needs to grow -- so it's a catch - 22. regardless of all of that info, somehow, my cervix is hardly dilating, my water obviously hasn't broken, and my belly just magically continues to expand. it's incredible, really. a miracle, in my mind. and truth-be-told, i don't mind being the fluid freak. it's kind of cool to be remembered, i guess. not that anyone could forget this big ole belly anyway.
sidenote, why do people lose all filters when talking to pregnant women? like all of a sudden, it's just ok to say whatever comes to your head to them? case in point: this random guy in Costco came up to me last week and said, "oh man honey, you look like a balloon ready to pop right this minute!" and i kind of pity-laughed and said, "yeah, i'm pretty big. luckily at the end of this thing!" and he said, "you'd better hope you're at the end of this thing..." and disgustedly added, "whoa."
like really. in what universe would that ever be appropriate to say to somebody?? did he think i'd feel good after that conversation? don't get me wrong, i was totally fine. in fact, i can totally laugh about it because the fact is, it's true. even my dr. said to me this week when he went to measure my tummy (which is measuring past full-term, even though i'm technically 36 weeks), "whoa, this belly is really starting to freak me out." yeah, tell me something i don't know! i have to look at it every day, and carry it around 24/7! good thing i adore my OB, and that he can't do any wrong in my eyes. because i'm pretty sure if M said that to me, i woulda punched him in the face. (now, that's not really fair, is it?)
wow. i'm rambling.
in spite of my hugeness, there've been lots of little happies that have lifted my spirits this week and last that i want to be able to remember and treasure from this unique moment in my life/our lives:
:: the most beautiful quilt you ever saw.
isn't that amazing!? beautiful!? incredible!? a wonderful friend of mine came and brought this to me this week, and it hasn't left my side. she, with the help of some of my sweetest friends, got together and hand stitched this beautiful quilt for me. here's a little snapshot one of my friends sent me of some of them working on it (makes me tear up to see this photo):
along the edges some of my favorite quotes are embroidered, as well as a large embroidered quote in the middle.it's hard to photograph -- but these are the quotes:
It's better to look up Pray more, worry less live your life on purpose Strength will find you sooner than you ever thought it would Breathe it all in, LOVE it all out, dear self, today you will shine Keep trying, be believing, be happy. don't get discouraged. Things will work out. - Gordon B. Hinckley Turn your face toward the sun, and the shadows fall behind you
and in the middle: Do not fear for I am with you
it is one of the kindest things anyone has ever done for me -- and i truly feel arms wrapped around me when i snuggle under it. how do you even begin to thank people for things like this? again, i'm so humbled and overwhelmed by the love and kindness and goodness that has been so generously poured over me and my family these last few months. it has meant more than i could ever express with words.
:: my girls love each other, and it makes me so happy. i think siblings are one of the greatest gifts we can give our children -- and especially in this moment, when i just can't do much, i'm so grateful they have each other to giggle together, to pester each other, to run around in circles together, to dance, and to hug one another.
:: little people hula-hooping is prettyawesome / hilarious!
:: conversations with four-year-olds are pretty awesome, too.
leading up to buying some new hula-hoops for the girls last week, i had a pretty hilarious conversation with Ellie. randomly one afternoon, she came to my side and begged me, "mama, pleeeeeease, can we go buy some hula hoops? pretty pretty pleeeeeease??"
it was random and so sweet, but i explained, "Ellie, hula hoops are so fun, but we can't just go buy something just because we want it."
she asked, "but why mama?"
i told her, "because, i don't have endless amounts of money! just because i want something doesn't mean i have money to buy it."
confidently she replied, "daddy can! daddy has loads of money!"
i was dying. "how do you know he has loads of money?"
and she emphatically put her hands on her hips and said, "Because! He goes to work EVERYDAY!!!"
oh man. kids these days.
:: these adorable sunnies -- i had gotten some for Christmas that malfunctioned, so i just went last week and exchanged them for these ones. how i love them...and the little hint of neon!
:: Alice in sunnies -- (sippin on my diet coke...oh, McD $1 diet cokes, how i love thee) i mean, how can i talk about sunnies and not talk about Alice these days? in fact, she wore some sunnies to church on Sunday...and woudln't take them off in Sacrament meeting. i would ask her to take them off, she'd obey, and 3 seconds later, i'd look down and she'd have them on again. yes, she wears the pants in this relationship (please tell me most two-year-olds do...). but some battles are just too hard to fight, you know?
:: thin mints. need i say more? oh yes, i do. frozen thin mints. there we go.
:: little ballerina buns + tutu bums. i just can't get enough. i can't! Ellie and Alice LOVE having ballet together- i've never seen Alice light up so much about something, and that makes me so happy. they are just the girliest, most graceful little things when they have their ballet outfits on....and it never ceases to melt me into a big pile-o-goo.
:: Alice giving mama + daddy check-ups. (still a household fave). i caught some exerpts on video and had to share:
::these darling bow earrings, gifted to me by some friends on a much-needed-girls' night out (i wear them every day! the most cherished earrings i own) to get some of my favorite pregnancy craving: thai food. mmm, have you ever had mangoes-red-curry? AH. heaven, people! in fact, i think i may have to go get some again this week.... it's just that good.
:: sunny days + swinging+ sittin' in the grass. these little girls love to swing! (and i love to watch them swing, while my big ole self lays on a blanket on the grass) they have gotten to swing lots and lots lately with all the beautiful sunshine we've enjoyed over the last couple of weeks.
:: this funny lil bum.
:: lil dates with my lil loves. Ellie had a couple of birthday parties last weekend -- and so i took Alice out for a little one-on-one date. we got frozen yogurt, got her nails painted, and picked her out a new nightgown (oh, and took lots of pictures, of course! i'm a freak! i admit it!). she was in heaven! and so was i. one-on-one time with each kid is so precious, isn't it?
:: little girls in denim jackets, and dinner dates with friends. featuring our favorite baby girl in the world, Vivian. oh, and husbands who just get each other.
::Elder L. Tom Perry,of the Quorum of the 12 Apostles is coming to speak to my Stake in a special Stake Conference this weekend! this makes me so happy! i hope hope hope so much that we'll get the chance to hear him. what a special experience to get to hear an apostle speak in such a small setting. and since M's dad is in the Stake Presidency, we may even get to meet him/eat lunch with him. i've never personally talked to an apostle before! it makes me giddy/so excited to think about.
{image via lds.org}
::this adorable lil face, that i'll get to see in person in less than a week!it's surreal, to say the least, but makes me so so happy, too.
lots of happies. lots and lots and lots to be grateful for.
it all makes me think of/sing:
"count your many blessings; angels will attend, help and comfort give you to your journey's end."
thank you for being my angels! big hugs and love your way today and always.
emotional highs and emotional lows. rain and sunshine. we've enjoyed it all.
there really isn't much new to report on the Max front -- just getting used to the phrase: "hurry up and...wait."
it's like it is at the end of any pregnancy -- the whole time you anticipate, prepare, and wonder how in the world you'll be able to handle taking care of yet another human being. and then your body morphs into this crazy version of itself that doesn't even kind of resemble who you used to be...and you get increasingly uncomfortable...until you just can't take it anymore and you're just ready to take off this whacky costume and reintroduce yourself to your real body.
i'm sooooooooooo there.
having polyhydramnios is wild. i feel like i have fluid coming out of my eyeballs. i honestly don't get how it's all staying in there. like why isn't it leaking out of my ear holes and nose holes? i guess i'll never know. but i have this hunch that i am going to feel like a super skinny woman when niagara falls happens. now, technically i still have a little under 5 weeks left of this thing. but i'm measuring full term with all of the fluid...and i look like it. and feel like it. i'm too prideful to post any real belly pictures at this point. just know: it aint pwetty.
and honestly it is very painful. but i was talking with my mom the other day and i told her that i think that it had to get to this point -- of such extreme physical discomfort -- or else i'd never feel ready to enter such an uncertain future. it's like, i had to get to this point of "please! let it be done!" which somehow is trumping my previous fear and insecure feelings from before. the feelings i had that felt like i am somehow protecting Max, like he is the safest with me. i still have those feelings sometimes...but then my back throbs and my ribs ache and i don't sleep a wink, and i think, "ok, God, i'm ready to not be so protective. i'm ready for you to show me your plan for Max."
it's been an emotional wrestle to get there. but isn't it always an emotional wrestle to finally put your own wants and what you think you need or know completely aside, and really agree to take on whatever He puts in your path? finally, i can say that's where i am. and truly, it's such a relief.
and so i'm here. waiting. waiting. waiting. waiting for this thing we've just been talking about for months to happen. waiting to know outcomes. waiting for "what-if scenarios" to become "real life scenarios." waiting for our lives to change forever. it's the strangest feeling. and sometimes it makes me cry because it feels really big. and then someone texts me right in that moment of despair, or leaves a little tulip or some daffodils on my doorstep, or sends a card in the mail, or a box of sunshine, or tells me they're taking the girls, or going to bring dinner (and i can't protest!)... the good deeds are truly endless! ....... and it's like i can feel His arms reaching down to little ole me, letting me know that while this is big, i am NOT small. and He is NOT small. and none of us are small. we are all big, important parts of this big, important life. and He is aware of our hearts. He knows things are sad and happy and painful and discouraging and wonderful. He gave us the capability to feel all of these things -- and i'm so glad He did. it makes me want to be better. it makes me more aware of others. it has given me the chance to see true goodness and kindness in so many. and i am overwhelmed by it! and inspired and impressed. and every other good emotion that i can't think of right now. thank you just isn't enough....but since that's all my little blog full of lots of words can say: thank you to each and every one of you for being my warmth and sunshine.
and thank you to my lil loves who help me find joy, laughter and love, even amidst all the crazy waiting.
