tonight i started reading "The Magician's Nephew" from one of my very favorite books series, "The Chronicles of Narnia" with the girls. it was one of those "mom-high" moments where i felt like i floated on a cloud out of their room at bedtime and just had to write it down. i mean how often does that happen at bedtime? i love words and books and pages - they feel like friends to me. i just love the way they can wrap you up and transport you and anyone within their reach to a whole different place. the Chronicles of Narnia were some of the first books i remember doing that to me. where i felt like i wasn't just a spectator...but rather a character grabbed by the hands and feet by those words, and taken on an amazing adventure, to an idyllically beautiful place that i didn't want to ever leave. it's so special to be able to be a part of that same magic with my kids.
life is good with these three. it's not perfect. i feel like it's a tough world we live in these days. social media has us convinced that we need to be people living in two extremes: either life is orderly and perfect and just like so with new shoes and healthy meals and pillows and perfect paint on our walls, or we should be dang proud of how out of control it all is, eating donuts for every meal. i'm like switzerland in this - just neutral. totally far from perfect - ( let it be known that my perfect INCLUDES donuts for dinner!) but i care about my house being clean, when i'm not too tired to do it.
these days i am outnumbered and often exasperated, searching for energy and time and more energy and more time every day. the girls are busy with preschool and 2nd grade, and ballet, gymnastics and violin lessons. we drive from one thing to the next, and i hope that i am helping them discover their talents and love for things, and not just busying them so much that they are miserable. i spend a lot of time chasing Jack and keeping him from immediate danger. he is a thrill seeker! and he really loves dumping things everywhere. crayons. pretzels. pencil shavings. blocks. back-pack papers. if it can be dumped, he's dumping it. (that sounds kind of gross the way i typed that. but it's true). it just seems like there aren't enough minutes to get it all done and clean the way i like it. i wish i were a little better at multitasking, i wish i liked doing laundry (because i really hate it and avoid it and hate it) and i wish i had it better under control... but i'm realizing that it's sad to wish away these precious young years with my kids. they want to be with me, in spite of the messes. they don't care about the piles of laundry that need to be folded. they're grateful to come and shuffle through the piles and find stuff if they need it. they don't mind eating breakfast for dinner AGAIN! because let's be real, it's the easiest dinner ever and everyone tells you how much they love you for letting them drench their face in whip cream and syrup. they still need my hugs. and i realllly need their hugs. they aren't too cool for bike rides or selfies while we ride - which is one of my very favorite things to do with them right now. they love for me to sing them songs and even like my music, they'll dance with me and laugh at my embarrassing ugly dance moves, they'll lip sync with me, they do their homework when i ask them to, and they lovvvvve to be read to. and so, i'm gonna keep reading to them as long as they'll let me. because i lovvvve reading to them. it's just one of those perks to the job for me. and all of the un-perks...well, they aren't going anywhere. they can wait.
#beingamomisthehardestbestthing
(do people hashtag their blogs? well i just did. boom.)
for Mother's Day, my friend Elyse's husband organized with mine and my friend Ashley's to do a little girls weekend away to Palo Alto. it was so fun! we went to dinner, saw an old Marilyn Monroe film at the old Stanford Theatre, got dessert, stayed up way too late, and then went shopping/to Dry Bar where we got our hair blown out...i have been dreaming of that scalp massage ever since. best. thing. evah.
this was a really emotional time in my life. i remember being suddenly weepy at random moments all the time...and i'm so grateful for kind friends who helped pick me up when i needed it most...and a kind husband who helped me make girls' nights and weekends like this happen.
my first Mother's Day without Max was hard.
i remember so many people telling me, "you must feel Max so near. he is so special. you are so blessed."
but the day came. and then it was ending. and i never felt him near.
i felt him missing. and,
i felt him far. and i felt like the time where we were together was beginning to feel far away too.
i remember hugging the girls so tight before they went to sleep...almost not wanting to put them to bed because the void i felt from him not being there was so great. i felt guilty because i knew that i was sooo blessed to have these two wonderful little girls and a husband who showered me with love that day. but a little boy who will always have a big part of my mama heart wasn't there that day. and it hurt.
i cried myself to sleep that night.
a couple of days later, i felt even further away from him. and i had this feeling like i was almost unworthy to feel him near anymore. on his 2 month birthday, i woke up with tears in my eyes, the way i went to sleep, and i went on a run. my mind raced as my body screamed. i was in terrible shape at this point ... and didn't get very far before i turned around and came home. i came to the backyard where i sat on a bench, folded my arms, and began to pray.
i can't really share the details of the experience.
because it's one of those precious ones.
but i will tell you this: that it was on that day 2 months after he was born that i knew i wasn't going to be able to feel him near the way i had before. but that Heavenly Father would let me feel him when i needed him most. and that often times without me knowing it, he would be here with my family more than i even knew or understood.
peace flooded in my heart.
and for another minute, i knew i'd be ok.
Monday March 11, i'll be induced, if Max doesn't come on his own before then. i'll be 37 weeks. it's truly a miracle to have made it this far! my doctors are always shocked to see me at another appointment. in fact, one doc said to me yesterday, "i just have to admit, i was not expecting to still be seeing you here! what the heck!?" amen, brotha. but even though i'm soooooo uncomfortable, and soooooo achy-pained, and soooooo over-boiling with fluid, i really really really hope he makes it till Monday so that i can be induced. the idea of having Max in a very controlled, very calculated/planned/during-the-day environment sounds so appealing to me, especially with all of his special needs. not to mention, it'd be better for him.
you see, he isn't growing very well. in my recent appointments, he is measuring in the less than 10th percentile...which isn't good for all the potential surgeries he will likely need when he is born. still, my fluid levels are through the roof, causing all the techs to come in throughout my appointments and say, "how high is she today?" "have we passed 50 cm's yet?", "isn't that the highest we've seen? you poor thing....."(the highest i've measured is 50 cm's of fluid.... and just to give you an idea: the normal range is somewhere between 5-15 cm of fluid at this stage of pregnancy....high fluid is anything above 24 cm. so i'm measuring like four times the average amount, and twice the "that's too high" mark. yeah, i'm basically an over-inflated water bed....ready to pop). normally they'd induce me right now because of all of this fluid -- because there are other risks with the potential force of my water breaking on its own....and yet, Max needs to grow -- so it's a catch - 22. regardless of all of that info, somehow, my cervix is hardly dilating, my water obviously hasn't broken, and my belly just magically continues to expand. it's incredible, really. a miracle, in my mind. and truth-be-told, i don't mind being the fluid freak. it's kind of cool to be remembered, i guess. not that anyone could forget this big ole belly anyway.
sidenote, why do people lose all filters when talking to pregnant women? like all of a sudden, it's just ok to say whatever comes to your head to them? case in point: this random guy in Costco came up to me last week and said, "oh man honey, you look like a balloon ready to pop right this minute!" and i kind of pity-laughed and said, "yeah, i'm pretty big. luckily at the end of this thing!" and he said, "you'd better hope you're at the end of this thing..." and disgustedly added, "whoa."
like really. in what universe would that ever be appropriate to say to somebody?? did he think i'd feel good after that conversation? don't get me wrong, i was totally fine. in fact, i can totally laugh about it because the fact is, it's true. even my dr. said to me this week when he went to measure my tummy (which is measuring past full-term, even though i'm technically 36 weeks), "whoa, this belly is really starting to freak me out." yeah, tell me something i don't know! i have to look at it every day, and carry it around 24/7! good thing i adore my OB, and that he can't do any wrong in my eyes. because i'm pretty sure if M said that to me, i woulda punched him in the face. (now, that's not really fair, is it?)
wow. i'm rambling.
in spite of my hugeness, there've been lots of little happies that have lifted my spirits this week and last that i want to be able to remember and treasure from this unique moment in my life/our lives:
:: the most beautiful quilt you ever saw.
isn't that amazing!? beautiful!? incredible!? a wonderful friend of mine came and brought this to me this week, and it hasn't left my side. she, with the help of some of my sweetest friends, got together and hand stitched this beautiful quilt for me. here's a little snapshot one of my friends sent me of some of them working on it (makes me tear up to see this photo):
along the edges some of my favorite quotes are embroidered, as well as a large embroidered quote in the middle.it's hard to photograph -- but these are the quotes:
It's better to look up Pray more, worry less live your life on purpose Strength will find you sooner than you ever thought it would Breathe it all in, LOVE it all out, dear self, today you will shine Keep trying, be believing, be happy. don't get discouraged. Things will work out. - Gordon B. Hinckley Turn your face toward the sun, and the shadows fall behind you
and in the middle: Do not fear for I am with you
it is one of the kindest things anyone has ever done for me -- and i truly feel arms wrapped around me when i snuggle under it. how do you even begin to thank people for things like this? again, i'm so humbled and overwhelmed by the love and kindness and goodness that has been so generously poured over me and my family these last few months. it has meant more than i could ever express with words.
:: my girls love each other, and it makes me so happy. i think siblings are one of the greatest gifts we can give our children -- and especially in this moment, when i just can't do much, i'm so grateful they have each other to giggle together, to pester each other, to run around in circles together, to dance, and to hug one another.
:: little people hula-hooping is prettyawesome / hilarious!
:: conversations with four-year-olds are pretty awesome, too.
leading up to buying some new hula-hoops for the girls last week, i had a pretty hilarious conversation with Ellie. randomly one afternoon, she came to my side and begged me, "mama, pleeeeeease, can we go buy some hula hoops? pretty pretty pleeeeeease??"
it was random and so sweet, but i explained, "Ellie, hula hoops are so fun, but we can't just go buy something just because we want it."
she asked, "but why mama?"
i told her, "because, i don't have endless amounts of money! just because i want something doesn't mean i have money to buy it."
confidently she replied, "daddy can! daddy has loads of money!"
i was dying. "how do you know he has loads of money?"
and she emphatically put her hands on her hips and said, "Because! He goes to work EVERYDAY!!!"
oh man. kids these days.
:: these adorable sunnies -- i had gotten some for Christmas that malfunctioned, so i just went last week and exchanged them for these ones. how i love them...and the little hint of neon!
:: Alice in sunnies -- (sippin on my diet coke...oh, McD $1 diet cokes, how i love thee) i mean, how can i talk about sunnies and not talk about Alice these days? in fact, she wore some sunnies to church on Sunday...and woudln't take them off in Sacrament meeting. i would ask her to take them off, she'd obey, and 3 seconds later, i'd look down and she'd have them on again. yes, she wears the pants in this relationship (please tell me most two-year-olds do...). but some battles are just too hard to fight, you know?
:: thin mints. need i say more? oh yes, i do. frozen thin mints. there we go.
:: little ballerina buns + tutu bums. i just can't get enough. i can't! Ellie and Alice LOVE having ballet together- i've never seen Alice light up so much about something, and that makes me so happy. they are just the girliest, most graceful little things when they have their ballet outfits on....and it never ceases to melt me into a big pile-o-goo.
:: Alice giving mama + daddy check-ups. (still a household fave). i caught some exerpts on video and had to share:
::these darling bow earrings, gifted to me by some friends on a much-needed-girls' night out (i wear them every day! the most cherished earrings i own) to get some of my favorite pregnancy craving: thai food. mmm, have you ever had mangoes-red-curry? AH. heaven, people! in fact, i think i may have to go get some again this week.... it's just that good.
:: sunny days + swinging+ sittin' in the grass. these little girls love to swing! (and i love to watch them swing, while my big ole self lays on a blanket on the grass) they have gotten to swing lots and lots lately with all the beautiful sunshine we've enjoyed over the last couple of weeks.
:: this funny lil bum.
:: lil dates with my lil loves. Ellie had a couple of birthday parties last weekend -- and so i took Alice out for a little one-on-one date. we got frozen yogurt, got her nails painted, and picked her out a new nightgown (oh, and took lots of pictures, of course! i'm a freak! i admit it!). she was in heaven! and so was i. one-on-one time with each kid is so precious, isn't it?
:: little girls in denim jackets, and dinner dates with friends. featuring our favorite baby girl in the world, Vivian. oh, and husbands who just get each other.
::Elder L. Tom Perry,of the Quorum of the 12 Apostles is coming to speak to my Stake in a special Stake Conference this weekend! this makes me so happy! i hope hope hope so much that we'll get the chance to hear him. what a special experience to get to hear an apostle speak in such a small setting. and since M's dad is in the Stake Presidency, we may even get to meet him/eat lunch with him. i've never personally talked to an apostle before! it makes me giddy/so excited to think about.
{image via lds.org}
::this adorable lil face, that i'll get to see in person in less than a week!it's surreal, to say the least, but makes me so so happy, too.
lots of happies. lots and lots and lots to be grateful for.
it all makes me think of/sing:
"count your many blessings; angels will attend, help and comfort give you to your journey's end."
thank you for being my angels! big hugs and love your way today and always.
