this was a really emotional time in my life. i remember being suddenly weepy at random moments all the time...and i'm so grateful for kind friends who helped pick me up when i needed it most...and a kind husband who helped me make girls' nights and weekends like this happen.
i remember so many people telling me, "you must feel Max so near. he is so special. you are so blessed."
but the day came. and then it was ending. and i never felt him near.
i felt him missing. and,
i felt him far. and i felt like the time where we were together was beginning to feel far away too.
i remember hugging the girls so tight before they went to sleep...almost not wanting to put them to bed because the void i felt from him not being there was so great. i felt guilty because i knew that i was sooo blessed to have these two wonderful little girls and a husband who showered me with love that day. but a little boy who will always have a big part of my mama heart wasn't there that day. and it hurt.
i cried myself to sleep that night.
a couple of days later, i felt even further away from him. and i had this feeling like i was almost unworthy to feel him near anymore. on his 2 month birthday, i woke up with tears in my eyes, the way i went to sleep, and i went on a run. my mind raced as my body screamed. i was in terrible shape at this point ... and didn't get very far before i turned around and came home. i came to the backyard where i sat on a bench, folded my arms, and began to pray.
i can't really share the details of the experience.
because it's one of those precious ones.
but i will tell you this: that it was on that day 2 months after he was born that i knew i wasn't going to be able to feel him near the way i had before. but that Heavenly Father would let me feel him when i needed him most. and that often times without me knowing it, he would be here with my family more than i even knew or understood.
peace flooded in my heart.
and for another minute, i knew i'd be ok.