May 2013 Flashback: Mother's Day, a girl's weekend, and the 2 month milestone

for Mother's Day, my friend Elyse's husband organized with mine and my friend Ashley's to do a little girls weekend away to Palo Alto. it was so fun! we went to dinner, saw an old Marilyn Monroe film at the old Stanford Theatre, got dessert, stayed up way too late, and then went shopping/to Dry Bar where we got our hair blown out...i have been dreaming of that scalp massage ever since. best. thing. evah.

this was a really emotional time in my life. i remember being suddenly weepy at random moments all the time...and i'm so grateful for kind friends who helped pick me up when i needed it most...and a kind husband who helped me make girls' nights and weekends like this happen.

my first Mother's Day without Max was hard.
i remember so many people telling me, "you must feel Max so near. he is so special. you are so blessed."
but the day came. and then it was ending. and i never felt him near.
i felt him missing. and,
i felt him far. and i felt like the time where we were together was beginning to feel far away too.
i remember hugging the girls so tight before they went to sleep...almost not wanting to put them to bed because the void i felt from him not being there was so great. i felt guilty because i knew that i was sooo blessed to have these two wonderful little girls and a husband who showered me with love that day. but a little boy who will always have a big part of my mama heart wasn't there that day. and it hurt.
i cried myself to sleep that night.

 a couple of days later, i felt even further away from him. and i had this feeling like i was almost unworthy to feel him near anymore. on his 2 month birthday, i woke up with tears in my eyes, the way i went to sleep, and i went on a run. my mind raced as my body screamed. i was in terrible shape at this point ... and didn't get very far before i turned around and came home. i came to the backyard where i sat on a bench, folded my arms, and began to pray.

i can't really share the details of the experience.
because it's one of those precious ones.

but i will tell you this: that it was on that day 2 months after he was born that i knew i wasn't going to be able to feel him near the way i had before. but that Heavenly Father would let me feel him when i needed him most. and that often times without me knowing it, he would be here with my family more than i even knew or understood.

peace flooded in my heart.
and for another minute, i knew i'd be ok.

 xoxo