keep your eye on the grand ole flag

yesterday was Memorial Day.

a day to remember.

a day to think of our beloved USA; where we've been, and where we are thanks to so many who have fought to protect our freedom.

a day to think of all of those we love who have passed away.

in 2013 Ellie was in Mrs. Perona's preschool class where she learned "You're a Grand Ole Flag." man, she loved that song! she sang it in the morning while she took a bath. she sang it to her dolls. she sang it every time she saw a flag blowing in the wind. so of course when we went to the cemetery that Memorial day to honor little Max, she saw all those flags blowing there and marched around in a circle singing "KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE GRAND OLE FLAG" at the top of her almost-5-year-old lungs. and you'd better believe that her little shadow Alice wasn't more than three steps behind, marching and yelling the wrong lyrics right along with her big sis at the top of her lungs.

and so, it's become tradition. we did it last year with newborn Jack screaming his guts out in his carseat ready for a feeding (oh the glamour of newborn-dom). and this year, 1 year old Jack was with us in daddy's arms while we marched around in a circle, waving our flags (more like whacking dad in the face with the flag in Jack's case), singing for our sweet brother.

 
 we look like a bunch of crazy weirdos doing that, i'm sure. but i like to think that it makes Max smile knowing we are thinking of him in the small way we can. and the truth is that us being weirdos like that gets me all sentimental.

Mike and i had this this somber moment where we looked at our kids skipping happily through that cemetery yesterday; they laughed and threw rocks in ponds....Jack picked grass and crawled through the lines of headstones. and we couldn't help but comment on how strange it is that they'll grow up in that cemetery and won't know any different. cemeteries aren't creepy to them. they don't get freaked out or weirded out by people visiting the graves and paying their respects with flowers and tears. all of that is normal and a part of their life. and i know this will all be a blessing to them, but i also can't help but ache for them, too-- having to experience and sort out the puzzle of life and death at such young ages. Alice is especially inquisitive about death right now. "but how many days will i live until i die?" "but isn't it so wonderful that i am going to die?" "when i die, will i go be with Jesus, just like Max is with Jesus?" it hurts to open up these archives over and over ... and honestly, i don't want to talk about death that much! it freaks me out! but i am truly so happy that we get to be so connected to heaven; it has blessed our family so much and i know always will.

and so, we remembered Max yesterday. i love that brave boy and his brave life. "the cutest baby in the whole heaven!" as Ellie always says. these kids sure love their brother Max. and that makes this mama's heart so happy.

xoxo

March 2014: Max's 1st Birthday

Max's first birthday.
already.
that's the word that just kept rebounding in my mind all day long: already? already.... already??

it was a much harder day than i had anticipated. in my journal, i recorded: "i have been on the verge of tears all day..." (a lot of what i'll write below are excerpts from my journal that day).


a little bit about me: i love birthdays. like probably more than the average person loves birthdays. we make em big over here! a whole week honoring the birthday king or queen. because birthdays are special. i love how they are truly a celebration of someone's life - their own special holiday. a day where you get to do all of their favorite things, shower them with all their favorite foods, and give them gifts that remind you of them. it's a day where you remember the year before and all the good things that have happened and changed since that last year and the milestones that have been achieved.

but with a baby who passes away, there are no milestones. no milestones other than the fact of making it through yet another day without being together. and so his birthday felt empty to me -- a day full of realization of all the milestones we had lost over that year. and i couldn't celebrate this birthday in the way i know how; i couldn't watch him eat his cake, i couldn't give him a party or presents, i couldn't invite all of his favorite people to party with us. i felt out of sorts and unsure what to do to honor Max, and how to feel. all i knew was that i was sad. incredibly overwhelmed with sadness, almost like it was all happening all over again.

losing a baby is just so hard.

one huge blessing that came was that my dad came into town for a business trip to San Francisco, and delayed his departure home until the evening so he could spend the afternoon with us. we picked him up after Ellie's violin lesson and he came to our house where we planted forget-me-nots for Max. they are so cute and the girls love love loved doing that! we also made a little batch of cupcakes together and went to our place where we met Mike's family with my dad. we brought a dozen white balloons, one for each moth, and wrote Max birthday messages on them to send some birthday love to heaven. it was the only thing that felt perfectly right that day. i asked my brother Sean to record himself playing the rendition of Somewhere Over the Rainbow that he had played on the guitar at Max's graveside service a year ago and we played it over my bluetooth speaker while we let go of our balloons. i cried real good when we did that. i felt this incredible sense that he loved it, and that made me happy.

the girls brought him the pots that they had decorated and planted for him and told him about them. honestly my heart aches for them. they'll never know life without death. and i know everyone dies but they're just so young to have this kind of exposure to it. they are so brave, loving, accepting and wonderful and they impress me so much. i am blessed to have such wonderful, kind-hearted children.

after we sang and had cupcakes, M was with his family, and i had a moment with my dad. i felt so overwhelmed with gratitude that he got to be there for me on that day. i didn't know it would be that hard for me, but it was. i desperately needed someone from my family to be there to support me in such an emotional day- and i'm so grateful my dad was there for me. what would we do without our wonderful families?

and of course, i have no idea what i'd do without my best friend. while this has been such a hard thing, i know that it has really brought us together in a way nothing else could. i love Mike more than ever and am so grateful we've had each other to lean on through it all.

happy first birthday, Max. your family loves and misses you so, so much.

xoxo

dear 2013,

in some ways i never want to talk to you or about you again - but you and i both know i'll be talking about you for the rest of my life. you're kinda sneaky that way, aren't you 2013?

i don't think i can begin nor end this letter without talking about Max. because you were the year of Max. you were the year he was born and you were the year that he died. you were the year that let me have him has my 100%-of-the-time-constant-buddy - as we went to countless dr appointments, ultrasounds, heart echoes, monitorings, random treatments and blood panels, and analyses by numerous neonatologists and perinatologists - and also as we did the normal stuff of life of going to take the girls to preschool, ballet, the library, cooking dinners, watching sunrises and sunsets, and eating way too much delicious food, making my mantra of "fat n happy in 2013" shine wayyyy too bright. you taught me more medical jargon than i ever cared to know about babies in utero, out of utero, and in between. and he was there, comforting me through it all. i think a lot about those early months - when it was just him and me all the time. and how i wasn't freaking out even though there was plenty to freak out about... and i think it was because he was there calming and comforting me all the time. it's like i could hear his voice talking to me saying, 'it's gonna be alright mama. don't waste energy worrying. this is all gonna happen how it's supposed to.' i miss feeling him that way. i miss it a lot.

and then the days melted away, and it was time for him to come. and you know, 2013, i'll always love you for those days we got to see this miracle baby live. because you were the year that saw a miraculous birth survive against incredible odds. and in spite of his numerous imperfections, he was perfect. and i'll always love you for those days i got to spend with a perfect person. it has changed me and the course of my life forever. it has changed my family forever. it has given us so much meaning and purpose. those days were exhausting days. but i never wanted them to end. i would have never been ready for them to end. but i know i'm blessed that they even began, and so i thank you for that.

but then they did end. and that was sad. it is still sad. we've never really gotten used to him not being here with us. sometimes i've been mad at you, because i feel like i just need to be mad at somebody. but i know that if you could have let him stay longer, you would have. and then i'm not mad at you anymore.

 and i guess i know that if it didn't have that experience of saying hello and then saying goodbye, i'd be a much different human than i am now. and i wouldn't know the things i know now. because you were there when i really came to know certain spiritual things that i didn't know before. you were there when i understood how invaluable the blessings are of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. He truly does fill in the gaps to make wrongs right. He truly does compensate for all losses. He truly does understand our grief, as well as our joy. and He truly is the one and only person who makes it possible for us to get to be together with our loved ones again someday. you were the year that helped me understand the Atonement in a new way - a way that really does change the way i want to live my life. a way that makes me yearn to be worthy to be not only with Him, our perfect Savior - but Max, my perfect son.

ok. let's talk about some other stuff now that i got all heavy with the spices. sorry, i do that sometimes these days. but you made me this way, so i shouldn't really be apologizing to you. 

you were a year of big changes for my girls! Ellie turned 5! she lost all that toddler chub and really started leaning out into a pretty adorable little kid. you gave her tons of new freckles, and lots of inches onto her adorably curly hair. she ended Preschool with Mrs. Perona and absolutely LOVED it. i don't think i've ever heard her talk about another human being as much as she did Mrs. Perona- and with such adoration. she learned that she loves loves loves to swim, almost more than anything else- and she became pretty awesome at it by the end of the summer! and you saw her begin new things like learning the violin, and even starting kindergarten! she was sure nervous about school - but sure loves the heck out of it now, and is so good at it. it's been so fun to see her so happy.

 {last day of preschool}

 

Alice turned 3! she found her love for singing (she's never stopped!), her affinity + talent for giving check-ups, and her silly-feisty personality that constantly makes us laugh. she worked hard to keep up with her big sister - and began many of her own activities - turning her into a big kid instead of the baby that she once was. she began taking ballet lessons - which she absolutely loved! she also began swimming lessons - and really learned to swim! it was so fun seeing her teeny body wiggle across that pool. the fall brought her into joy school with the cutest lil group of friends. and she started gymnastics too! she is such a flexible little thing and keeps impressing me at it. she loves having her own things to do, and i love seeing her discover things that she loves.

and ... surprise! you gave us the gift to not only begin our journey with you in pregnancy...but end it in pregnancy too! we found out i was expecting another baby. emotions were mixed. only 4 1/2 months previous had we lost Max. i thought i'd feel whole again to be pregnant, but i found myself missing Max so much more - and becoming increasingly anxious with the uncertainty of this current pregnancy. i was monitored very closely in the beginning - and had many ultrasounds - which gave me so much peace of mind... until you gave me the gift of knowing with certainty that our baby BOY was 100% healthy and developing strong. you showed me how to appreciate more fully the miracle of creating life - what a gift it truly is.

M and i celebrated 8 years of marriage! -  somehow it feels longer - like i can't remember life without him now. i like that a lot...there's just no one i'd rather have to hug through the good and bad than M. and this year totally brought us some good - our first getaway without kids....to HAWAII nonetheless! we had the most amazing time - i know we'll talk about Kauai for the rest of our lives. 2013, you helped me be certain in my love-  i love this kind-hearted man more than i can say.

you also gave us lots of happy as a family! we went to Utah and saw tons of friends and family - and Jeffy graduate from BYU! we took excursions along the Northern Coast - and we re-fell in love with the Bay Area. it's so gorgeous! we also took a Pismo trip with friends for M's 30th birthday - where we partied hard with friends (and took away some awesome stories to tell), we went to concerts and theme parks (Six Flags!), we traveled to So Cal - multiple times ... even for the girls to have their own Gammycation while we were in Kauai - and also for Thanksgiving...where we piggy-backed the most memorable surprise Disneyland Vacation. it was a fun year for travel - and we needed the fun - so thank you for those happy family memories.

{the gorgeous Northern Coast}

and the days in between and after were filled with remembering Max in all the ways we could and that we know how....and of course with more friends, family, and loved ones - making sure we were and are ok. inviting us to dinners, girl's nights, play dates, lunches and reaching out in countless ways. you taught me more about love than any other year, and i thank you for that. how to love, how to receive love, and how to recognize the power of love in your life.

and so 2013, you were a challenging year for my little family. and yet you were a strengthening year for my family. you were a nurturing year for my family. and you were a love-giving year to my family. sure, you gave us a lot of gloomy days, but you also gave us so many sunshiney ones, and so many glimpses into perfectly peaceful ones - the kinda ones we're all working towards having forever someday. and so i'm not really mad at you. because i'd do all the hard over again to know the good and the love that you helped me feel. love moves mountains, of this i am certain.

and while i'm so glad to say goodbye for now - know that i will look forward to talking about you in my forever to come - and watching your highlight reel in my life-movie in heaven someday.

xoxo,
Marci

past years' letters:
2012, 2011, 2010, 2009, 2008, 2007