the last couple of weeks have been emotional.
emotional highs and emotional lows. rain and sunshine. we've enjoyed it all.
there really isn't much new to report on the Max front -- just getting used to the phrase: "hurry up and...wait."
it's like it is at the end of any pregnancy -- the whole time you anticipate, prepare, and wonder how in the world you'll be able to handle taking care of yet another human being. and then your body morphs into this crazy version of itself that doesn't even kind of resemble who you used to be...and you get increasingly uncomfortable...until you just can't take it anymore and you're just ready to take off this whacky costume and reintroduce yourself to your real body.
i'm sooooooooooo there.
having polyhydramnios is wild. i feel like i have fluid coming out of my eyeballs. i honestly don't get how it's all staying in there. like why isn't it leaking out of my ear holes and nose holes? i guess i'll never know. but i have this hunch that i am going to feel like a super skinny woman when niagara falls happens. now, technically i still have a little under 5 weeks left of this thing. but i'm measuring full term with all of the fluid...and i look like it. and feel like it. i'm too prideful to post any real belly pictures at this point. just know: it aint pwetty.
and honestly it is very painful. but i was talking with my mom the other day and i told her that i think that it had to get to this point -- of such extreme physical discomfort -- or else i'd never feel ready to enter such an uncertain future. it's like, i had to get to this point of "please! let it be done!" which somehow is trumping my previous fear and insecure feelings from before. the feelings i had that felt like i am somehow protecting Max, like he is the safest with me. i still have those feelings sometimes...but then my back throbs and my ribs ache and i don't sleep a wink, and i think, "ok, God, i'm ready to not be so protective. i'm ready for you to show me your plan for Max."
it's been an emotional wrestle to get there. but isn't it always an emotional wrestle to finally put your own wants and what you think you need or know completely aside, and really agree to take on whatever He puts in your path? finally, i can say that's where i am. and truly, it's such a relief.
and so i'm here. waiting. waiting. waiting. waiting for this thing we've just been talking about for months to happen. waiting to know outcomes. waiting for "what-if scenarios" to become "real life scenarios." waiting for our lives to change forever. it's the strangest feeling. and sometimes it makes me cry because it feels really big. and then someone texts me right in that moment of despair, or leaves a little tulip or some daffodils on my doorstep, or sends a card in the mail, or a box of sunshine, or tells me they're taking the girls, or going to bring dinner (and i can't protest!)... the good deeds are truly endless! ....... and it's like i can feel His arms reaching down to little ole me, letting me know that while this is big, i am NOT small. and He is NOT small. and none of us are small. we are all big, important parts of this big, important life. and He is aware of our hearts. He knows things are sad and happy and painful and discouraging and wonderful. He gave us the capability to feel all of these things -- and i'm so glad He did. it makes me want to be better. it makes me more aware of others. it has given me the chance to see true goodness and kindness in so many. and i am overwhelmed by it! and inspired and impressed. and every other good emotion that i can't think of right now. thank you just isn't enough....but since that's all my little blog full of lots of words can say: thank you to each and every one of you for being my warmth and sunshine.
and thank you to my lil loves who help me find joy, laughter and love, even amidst all the crazy waiting.