remembering Max: meeting Elder Cook

telling the story of Max's birth really begins the day before he was born.

it was a beautiful Sunday here in the bay area. i was huge. and achy. and did i say huge? i had just had my final dr. appointment on Friday... i measured 43 weeks (i really was 37), and boy did i look it. proof:

that Sunday, i was sure that i'd have measured 45 weeks if i went in that day. i don't know how things and fluid wasn't leaking out of everywhere. but it wasn't. i just kept waddling along.

as i mentioned a few posts ago, we were having a special Stake Conference where Elder L. Tom Perry of the Quorum of the 12 Apostles was supposed to come and address our stake on that Sunday. Elder Perry came down ill, so we got to hear from Elder Quentin L Cook instead -- which was still super amazing. like i said before, i had never been in such an intimate setting with an apostle before, so it was a very touching, special experience.

{i love the Oakland temple/temple hill! (where we get to meet for our Stake Conferences). it is one of my very favorite places on earth}

but what was even more touching was that we got to meet Elder Cook. in fact, i sat right across from him, with M, his brother, and our girls -- and we ate lunch together! we talked about iPhone apps (hilarious!), the Provo temple, missions, branches in Cuba (mi tierra!), Disneyland (you can see where my priorities are), his grandchildren, and about Max. we told him about our situation with Max, and that he would be born the following day. he asked us simple, yet concerned questions. he was compassionate, and asked us if he could speak to us privately after the luncheon. heck yes we would! you don't have to ask me twice!!

and so, after a Q & A meeting, we got to go into a small room with our close family members (including my mom, M's parents, his brother Jeff, and his grandparents) and talk with Elder Cook. he addressed M and i -- talked to us for a few minutes, and then requested to give me a blessing. it was a sacred experience -- one that i won't elaborate too much on because it is too precious. but i feel like i can honestly say that i know he is a special witness of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. i know he knows them personally - and i felt heaven so very near in those moments of my blessing. it was incredible, tangible, and real; and brings tears to my eyes to even think about it. i know that the power of the Priesthood is real -- and i know that the blessing was and continues to be an anchor to our family through this whole journey. i am so incredibly grateful to my Heavenly Father for this experience -- which was a true tender mercy given to us. i've always felt like He knows me and loves me, but since that day, i feel like i can truly, confidently say that He is acutely aware of every aspect of our lives. He cares about the things we care about. He knows what burdens us. He wants us to be happy. He wants us to be like Him. what a perfect Father He is.

after the blessing, i felt armed with strength and confidence like never before. i wasn't afraid. i knew more than ever that God was in control. i hugged Elder Cook, and told him that i'd treasure that day for the rest of my life. and i truly will! what a remarkably memorable experience for my little family - and what immaculate timing to be so empowered before Max's arrival. God is so aware of us all, of this i am certain.

xoxo

love week: i love little hands

right now i am currently sitting at the computer, listening to Alice's little hands fidget with the doorknob to her room. she should be taking a nap -- but today she had the "ah-ha!" moment where she finally realized she can get up and open the door whenever the heck she wants. good-bye nap time. sniff.

but in spite of me being sad and mourning the loss of yet another naptime (and all-too-soon, might i add), i am loving picturing those little hands opening that doorknob. i love little hands.

have you ever thought about how many things we use our hands for? and how many ways your little munchkins discover the world with their hands? the ways are infinite! and all infinitely adorable. let me give you just a few examples:

i love how little hands grasp cups and drinks -- and that we, as adults all say the well-known and well-rehearsed lines: "use two hands or you'll spill!!" and they do.

i love how little hands have painting parties and make realllllllly big messes. ok so i don't love the messes part. but yes, the painting parties are so fun and cute.

i love the little finger foods that little hands eat. and i love seeing little hands hold a lollipop.

i love how little hands pretend and give you check-ups (one of my very favorite things that Alice does these days) and pour you tea at tea parties.

i love how little hands give thumbs up. and i love how little girl hands always have speckles of nail polish or are freshly painted (at least that's how the little girl hands are in our house).

i love how little hands hold things like umbrellas and swords (if you're Alice). and i love watching little hands turn pages to books (if you're a bookworm like Ellie).

i love watching little hands climb and bike and blow bubbles.

i love watching little hands clasp around someone's neck or body in the tightest embrace. little hands and arms give the best hugs.

 i love when Ellie + Alice hold hands. it always makes my heart melt.

i love how little hands love to make things. we spent the morning busily working on our Valentines for our friends + family -- Ellie and Alice were so pleased with themselves! Ellie is getting so good at writing and cutting -- i love watching her little hands in action. and i love watching their little proud hands holding their beloved creations.

and i guess i've been thinking about little Max. and how he doesn't have normal little hands that will be able to do all of these beautiful and wonderful things. and that's hard. and it still makes me cry sometimes. and i know if we do get to keep him for a while, his life will be beautiful in so many other ways -- i mean, how special is it that we'll get to be his hands? it's something i think about constantly. such a special privilege. but it's still hard.

speaking of Max, there isn't much new to report. i'm still contracting like nobody's business and exploding with fluid -- which is a pretty gnarly experience. it's gotten to the point that all the strangers out there think i'm due yesterday, even though technically i should have 2 more months of this thing...but i tell them any day now, since that's the truth of the matter and it's just easier that way.

i've now had the amt of steroid injections that Max needed -- have you ever had steroid injections? what a trippy experience. my mom was here while i had 2 of them and kept telling me, "wow, you're super pingy. one minute you're crashing and the next you're talking a hundred miles a minute." and it was true. and i didn't sleep at all every night i had one because they made me so restless and trembly. in short: i was a total whacko! i'm so sorry to any of you that have to be on steroids all the time.

other than that, Max is physically the same. but we did have an amazing week with our doctors. i love good doctors -- and i have to say, i feel like we have the best. i can't even imagine what this whole experience would be like if i was uneasy about the care we have been receiving. what a blessing to have wonderful physicians! anyway, in my appointment with my OB, Dr. Wells last week, we had a lot of questions about the actual delivery day for him. we wanted to know who would be in the room, if they were going to whisk Max away immediately when he was born, if any of this was dangerous to me, and if there was anything i could do at all to prevent preterm labor. he was so calm and direct in answering all of our questions -- explaining it would be a very full room, they would certainly whisk Max away, this delivery should be as normal as possible (and not dangerous at all) for me, and there was nothing i could do to prevent my body's contractions, dilating and water breaking -- and to be prepared for it to "fill my shoes." he gave me a time frame- suspecting i'd go between 34-36 weeks. i'm 34 weeks on Friday, so that mental image of my shoes being filled with water is consuming my thoughts- both in daytime and dreamtime. especially when i'm in really awkward places like the post office, or church. i mean how weird would it be to fill my church shoes with water?? oh well, i'll add it to my tab of crazy junk that happens to me...and be sure to document it for you all!

anyway, after answering all of those questions of mine - M then asked one final question. he asked about Dr. Traynor's comment the previous week -- that this was a literal "fight for life" now for Max. we wanted to know if that was said because of the added risks of preterm labor. Dr. Wells folded his arms and looked at us, shaking his head and explained something like, "No. We deliver babies at 28 weeks who do just fine and make it. what Dr. Traynor has noted is complicated -- so many things are going on with this little guy, and new things keep coming up -- and so it is the collection of all these things that are going to make it a fight for his life. but we're going to do everything we possibly can to get him to make it through it all...." and then he paused and added, "but it's in God's hands." and then he gave me a huge hug. my OB! and you know what, it meant a lot to me.

and those words have resonated with me, because it's true, and it's what i believe and what i know: it's in God's hands. 

and how wonderful His hands are. the most perfect. the ones who can do anything and make anything happen. i love knowing His hands are in control -- guiding and aligning all the pieces in the way that He knows is best. and so i know His hands will be fighting the fight with us -- whether that fight is helping us learn to be little Max's hands or helping lift us up if He needs Max to come home.

see you back tomorrow for a love-day full of loves??  lovely lovely lovely.

need to feel even more love? check out:

Denae

Elyse

Tiffany

xoxo

welcome to love week 2013: i love Sundays

well i hope you're getting used to the phrase "better late than never" from me these days.....since that seems to be my motto. but i couldn't let this one slip totally out of my fingers....because i LOVE love week! and so here i am, ready to jump on the love wagon....even though it's a couple of days late.

today i'm loving Sundays. i love dressing my girls up in their Sunday dresses -- in today's case, in their fluffy pink cupcake dresses. i love that they love being girly and frilly. it is so fun having girls.

i love going and serving my heart out on Sundays. teaching the children, singing my favorite songs, and feeling the spirit motivating me to be better in the following week. i especially love hearing the things children say -- they speak purely and from the heart. one thing we are doing this year as a primary is filling a jar with warm fuzzies that represent ways that we've noticed Heavenly Father loves us. today, my eyes were wet several times hearing what examples they gave. i love the sweet children so so much.

and then, my favorite moment of the whole week is coming home after church. i love cozying up on the couch to veg for a long, long time.....knowing there isn't anyone who needs me or anywhere i have to be for the rest of the day.

i love Sundays because we always eat something yummy. today tasted like my Cuban home -- cuban black beans, picadillo, white rice and plantains. mmmmmm. i love Cuban food.

i love how Sundays always include some sort of yummy treat. tonight i didn't have the energy to make something....so it ended with my favorite ice cream of late -- Ben & Jerry's Mint Chocolate Cookie. Peppermint ice cream + oreo chunks??!! how did i not know this existed till a few weeks ago? i'm glad i didn't or i'm sure that i'd be a major chubster...even more than this pregnant girl already is. but man this stuff is insanely good.

and lately, i love Sundays an extra whole lot because they always end with Downton Abbey -- my favorite show, along with the rest of the female population. seriously though, i adore this show. the dresses, the music, the story, the cast -- everything is from a dream. a dream i love escaping to so, so much.

and those are my loves for today -- more loves tomorrow, and all week! let me know if you're joining in on the love and i'll link up with you....till then, you can read some of my friends' loves here:

Denae

Elyse

Tiffany

xoxo

the Primary Program...and a church-y post.

this year was Ellie's first Primary Program at church.

she was so cute -- reciting her part morning-noon-& night before the program-- and then making sure that her teachers (and everyone else) knew that she could do it "all by herself." when it was her turn for her part, she got up to the microphone and heaved a big sigh. i think it was a little more overwhelming to be in front of all those people than she had anticipated! it was very cute. and while i couldn't video the program, i had to capture her lil line on video, and had to share it, too.

it was also my first time writing/organizing a Primary Program in my calling as the Primary President of my ward-- i got called to be the Primary President just after the Program last year.* it was a stressful experience, but also a very rewarding one. there are definitely things i will do different next year -- but i learned so much. mostly i learned that no matter what you do as a leader, letting the children share their bright faces, faith and hearts makes it wonderful. and it truly was! though i'm definitely glad i won't have to worry about another one for a year.

*i cannot believe i have been in this calling for a year! it has been a wonderful one- one where i have learned so much about callings, being a member of the church, and recognizing God's hand in our lives. i have learned that callings are definitely not as glamorous as they seem. they require a lot of behind-the-scenes busy-work, phone calls, and meetings. they require depending on others, delegating, and realizing you need help- because there's no way to get it all done alone. they also require a lot of decision-making and leading, even when you don't know what you're doing, and even in front of people that are much more qualified than you. i think one of the main things i have learned about callings is that they are a very humbling experience. they strip you down and make you realize how incapable you truly are without Heavenly Father's guidance and love.

i've recognized what a huge blessing it is to be a member of a church that serves one another- all on a volunteer basis. i've been privileged to see members of my ward (including Primary Teachers, Primary Presidency members, and Bishopric Members) serving tirelessly and endlessly, with the goal of helping each other. people who put aside their own wants and needs for the needs of others. it is remarkable! and it has made me incredibly grateful for all that my leaders have done for me in the past, without me even realizing it.

and the greatest blessing i've received through this calling is having my relationship with Heavenly Father be strengthened- i can truly see Him working in my life. a year ago, i remember receiving this calling and wondering how it could be possible. how could this be asked of me in this season of my life? how in the world am i going to be able to do it all? the answer is: i can't. and i don't. but somehow, all that needs to be done happens-- and i recognize that is because of Him. He makes anything possible. i can feel Him guiding me in decisions that are made regarding the children and families in our ward. i feel His love for me -- and i feel His love so incredibly strong for His children. i am not perfect. i get weighed down and sometimes think "can't someone else do this...with like, a little more life experience?" but i think this is what it's all about: being asked to do something, even a thing that seems hard, and doing our best at it -- and then He takes care of the rest... and somehow makes us better than we used to be along the way.

xoxo

p.s. thank you for allowing me to indulge in some personal, spiritual thoughts for a moment. i know i don't do it too often, and sometimes these posts tend to come off a little snooty-- but that is not how it is intended at all. these thoughts are genuine and they are meaningful to me- and i know they will be meaningful to me someday in the future, too. xoxo

hug and hold the ones you love.

this week has been an interesting one.
Sunday night i went to bed all gushy and warm and fuzzy from a wonderful general conference. my (smallish) appetite had returned (translation: i can eat more than bread + fruit! yesss!)-- and so i was stuffed from donuts, homemade waffles + syrup (a conference MUST), famous berry pie, and lots of other deliciousnesses that i can't remember right now. my soul was stuffed too- full of inspiring messages and motivating words from our wonderful Prophet and Apostles.

then Monday came, and along with my least favorite laundry, we started the week all stuffy and coughy and weird and gross. yuck. the day wasn't a good one-- i can't exactly remember why other than i generally dislike Mondays- the girls were grouchy- they kept making messes where i had JUST mopped or JUST picked up for the hundredth time, i had a stomach ache (undoubtedly from eating so much junk), and i'm sure i received some annoying bills in the mail, because it's Monday, and Mondays are for all the annoying stuff like that. i distinctly remember going to bed with the thought: "i don't want to be the mom. i just want to be the kid." a thought that had been lingering for a few days...one that i'm not proud of having.

that night, Alice had a rough night (yes, we're still having rough nights. luckily only 1-2 times a week now, but still. i've concluded that she's having night terrors. it's very sad. and exhausting. for everyone). i went through a wave of emotions- first i was patient and kind. then i got annoyed and frustrated and thought, "calm down child! i need sleep!" and then she did calm down and i got some rare cuddles and i felt blessed.

the morning came extra early (because isn't that how it always happens?) and i was not in the mood to start life already. i looked at my phone to check the time, and went through my apps to get caught up on the gossip of the world...and in my instagram feed, one of my dearest sweetest friends had posted a picture of her and her sister-in-law with a somewhat cryptic message that something tragic had happened to her. i texted my friend right away to see if everything was ok. it wasn't.

she informed me that her brother, Nate and his wife Jennie had gone on a getaway trip to Hawaii, without their kids. they had been there for a few days when they took a motorcycle ride up the Akoni Pule Highway- in oncoming traffic, a driver swerved out of center divide- and Nate swerved to miss the car. i don't know the exact details of the accident- but i do know that Jennie was killed on impact, and Nate was life-flighted to the hospital. according to my friend, Nate will be ok physically. but they lost their beautiful Jennie- a wonderful mom, wife, sister and friend- and at 32 years old, leaving behind 4 young children. 4! (you can read the article in the Salt Lake Tribune here).
 
this incident has been playing over in my mind again and again. while this is one of my closest friends' families, i didn't know Nate and Jennie super well- i had spent time with them a handful of times, but they were already married and had their first little girl when we were in high school. i do remember Jennie being the kindest person- and i remember that she and Nate were so sweet together. it was a relationship that i admired.  and yet even though i didn't know them personally super well, this situation has left me so numb. for the last three days, it has consumed my thoughts, my prayers, and my actions.
i've had moments where i've felt extreme sadness- reading beautiful tributes (like this one), and seeing pictures posted of her and her children and siblings and loving husband. it is so heart-wrenching to know what an incredible hole she has left. how difficult for her children to lose their mother- and how difficult for her husband to lose his best friend. and for everyone else who was touched by her overwhelmingly good influence- i know she will be so deeply missed- and it is so sad to realize that. and then to have those uncomfortable imaginations creep in: what if that was me? what if that was M? or what if that was my sister?
i've also had moments of extreme guilt- like, how can i be so selfish to have a thought like, "i don't want to be the mom. i just want to be the kid?" or "i need sleep!" i'm ashamed and embarrassed. it makes me realize that sometimes i walk around giving off an irritable and invincible vibe- like i'm in control and stop bugging me. i've had the immense impression this week that really life is so so fragile. and precious. and getting to be the mom is an incredible honor and gift from Heavenly Father- and sleep can be had later- but hugs need to be had now. and teaching moments and loving moments need to be had now. the dishes can wait. the crumbs on the floor can wait. the dumped-bucket-of-blocks-for-the-hundredth-time-that-day can wait. those little moments of story-time, singing and dancing, prayers and scripture reading need to be had now.
and then those thoughts have given me moments of extreme gratitude- where i just want to hug my girls so tight- and M too. because i dont' want a day to go by without them realizing how special they are to me. i can't imagine my life without them- and it breaks my heart into itty bits to even comprehend what that might be like. it makes me so grateful to know that M and i were married in the temple- i know that the temple has a sealing power- a power so strong that not even death can break it- which means i'll always be with them- and it means that Jennie and Nate will be together forever too.

and so, even though it's been a funky emotional birthday week, tonight, on my birthday eve, i'm heading to the temple. to be reminded of those special covenants. because it's been too long since i've been. i'm hungry for that special nourishment and spirit that can only be found in our temple home. i know it's where God wants us- to be taught, to be near Him, and to express our love and gratitude for all that He has given us.

to the beautiful Wahlstrom family: i love you all so so much. your family is a beacon of faith and love-- i hope God will be with each and every one of you in this incredibly challenging time- offering comfort and peace with time. sending you all lots of love and hugs.

and to all of you beautiful people out there: i love you all! hug and hold those you love extra tight tonight- i know i'll do the same.

xoxo

questions answered: it's Conference time again!

the last couple of days i have been thinking about General Conference and how excited i am for it this weekend. this little video made all the hairs on my arm stand today when i watched it. i love the spirit of Conference.

it's always funny to me how a few weeks before it's Conference time, i start to feel my soul a little hungry for a spiritual boost. it always comes at such a perfect time.

back when i was in college (i can't believe i'm old enough to say stuff like that- but i've been graduated from college for 5 years now. nuts, i tell you!) i took a couple of classes from Lloyd Newell, the voice of the Spoken Word. he is an awesome professor- and the way i know that is that things that i learned in his classes still resonate in my mind. i couldn't say the same about a Econ 110 or Astronomy 200. such lame-sauce classes. anyway, back to Lloyd Newell. my favorite class of his that i took was called "Teachings of the Living Prophets." we studied each of the apostles' and members of the first presidency's lives in detail throughout the semester. i loved it. it really helped me gain a unique appreciation and understanding of how much these men have sacrificed for our church. they were all successful and wise in their professions. they all have families who they love dearly. they all are scholarly and intellectual. and yet they always put God first in their lives, no matter what. it's amazing.

my favorite part of the class was during conference time. i remember clearly one lesson in particular before Conference. Professor Newell said to us, "i want to make a suggestion to each of you. i want you to take a question that you may be pondering over in your life right now. it doesn't have to be related to church- but something that might be troubling you and that you are struggling with. whatever it is, pray about it, and ask Heavenly Father each day from now until conference to help receive an answer to this question through one of the living prophets." and then he made a pretty steep promise: "i promise you, if you pray and ask these questions in faith, he will answer them during Conference."

and so i followed his counsel. i went to Conference with a specific question that i had been praying about. honestly, i can't remember what the question was anymore. but i do remember this: my question was answered.

this has stuck with me for the past 8 years. and every time i have followed his advice, i have found answers in ways that i haven't found anywhere else. i have to tell you: i have brought some pretty crazy questions to Conference! and i'd wonder how in the world i'd find an answer to it there (one even about potty training!). sometimes it isn't so much through the words the prophets are saying, but thoughts that come into my mind as i am doing my best to listen. i know it sounds nuts- but it works. and i believe in it. and i think it is one of the reasons i have come to love General Conference so much. i mean, don't you think Heavenly Father is worried about the littlest details in our lives? especially things that may be causing us worry and stress- even if it is potty-training related? i know He is. He loves each and every one of us and wants us to make it home to Him- and will do all He can do help us get there- even if it's to give us a tip on how to not lose our marbles with a constipated child. we just have to be willing to ask the questions, and then put ourselves in the spiritually charged places (like Conference) where we can really listen and receive answers.

ahhhh, i can't wait for it- especially since it also means a plethora of good eats and a break from the sometimes-daunting task of regular Sunday duties. yes yes, General Conference is grand.

xoxo

love week: i love primary.

well, it's Sunday today, so naturally churchiness is on my mind- and today i am happy to say that i love Primary.

initially it took me a little while to warm up to the idea of Primary. i was sad to be released from serving in the Young Women program because i loved the girls, i loved the women i served with, and it (embarrassingly enough) was a good part of my social life and spiritual nourishment. i was worried that going into Primary would be so busy and stressful, and that i would miss out on that spiritual nourishment that you get in both YW & Relief Society- and i was more than kind of bummed.

boy was i wrong.
Primary is just such a wonderful place to be.
the spirit is so strong, the children are so loving, and the women i work with are remarkable.
the only reason i was sure before that being Primary President was what he Lord wanted for me was because that's what the Bishop had told me. "ok, i'll do it, but are you really, really sure?" because i really, really wasn't.
well, it's been a few months, we've survived the new year and the craziness of re-staffing almost entire new batch of Primary teachers, we've had several meetings, and had more than several prayers to know what to do- and i really feel overwhelmed that i am where i am supposed to be. sure, there are a million people who are way more organized than i am or that have way more knowledge and experience than i do. but for some reason the Lord is giving me this opportunity to serve- and i feel lucky and blessed.

some things i love about Primary:

i love the funny things kids say.
one week, i was teaching about Agency. i was talking about the Plan of Salvation and about how Heavenly Father had a plan for us where we would be given the gift to make choices for ourselves. i told them how Satan, on the other hand didn't want us to choose for ourselves, but to be like robots and he could choose for us everything we did. the following week, another leader was teaching Sharing Time. she asked the question, "What was Satan's plan before we came to earth?" a little girl raised her hand, "For us to be robots!"
well, at least she was listening.

i love the primary songs.
the spirit comes so strongly into the room when i hear little kids singing about Jesus, and about knowing the scriptures are true. my testimony grows and my frustrations from my home life go away. i am also amazed by how quickly they learn the songs- Ellie comes home singing songs that she's learning in primary and it makes all of us smile.

i love how teachable children are.
today i was teaching the children about reverence, per the idea of one of my counselors. basically i made these adorable sticks with butterflies on the end as a symbol of reverence- there is a story in the Friend where a Primary President teaches two rambunctious children about reverence by taking them to a butterfly exhibit at the zoo; she shows them how to catch a butterfly- the story quotes:
“Reverence is a lot like these butterflies. You don’t catch a butterfly. You let it come to you. You don’t catch a reverent feeling, either. It just comes to you when you are quiet. It’s the warm feeling you are feeling right now. You can also feel it when you think about Jesus Christ or anything else wonderful. When you are in Primary next Sunday, think about how quiet you had to be to have these butterflies in your hands. Then think about Jesus, and see if you get that same reverent feeling.”
as i was showing the children the butterflies i made, i could see their eager, willing eyes understanding and accepting this truth about what reverence means. i wish i was as eager, meek, teachable and willing to accept the Lord's truths as little children are. (note: you can find the Butterfly story here).

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i love learning so much from my calling.
the women i work with are wonderful. we are all so different and yet i feel connected to them in a unique and special way. i feel strengthened by them and their reliability, their creativity, and their unique personalities that reach out to others. it really makes me want to be better. i love learning from the children. they are so kind and pure in heart and my testimony is strengthened as they willingly share their talents, their testimonies, and their love for each other and the gospel.

i love being where Ellie is.
the sunbeams are just the cutest little squirts on the planet. i'm sure you've seen Ellie wearing her sunbeam crown in random pictures i have posted over the last few weeks (yes, we even made one for Alice - she feels pretty awesome) she is so proud to be in primary- she knows it's a special place to be. because it is. i love primary.

now, that doesn't mean i like 7:30 am meetings, that i'm not extremely excited for Alice to go into nursery in 9 Sundays (but who's counting, right?), that i don't come home from church all sweaty, and that i don't desperately crave a nap every Sunday... i am human, you know.

xoxo

procrastinating felt.

right now i'm laying on the couch listening to Ellie laugh while M throws her beloved stuffed dogs (the ones that sleep with her in her bed every night- and have since...forever) up onto the ceiling fan so that he can turn it on and watch them fly. dads really are just more fun than us worn out moms. because right now i want to go in there and say "quit the shenanigans, you two- it's past your bed-time!! lights out!" but that makes me feel elderly, so i'll just sit here with my feet cozied up on the couch in my new adorable Toms (courtesy of adorable sister) and let my peeps be happy a little longer.

life has recently become so full and busy for me and our little family. busy = good- but also tiring. so tiring. and so i'm taking a mini-break on my little cozy yellow couch. a break to let some of my wild thoughts free.

one of the big life-changes is that i got called to be the Primary President in my ward (feel free to insert gasp here...like unto the congregational gasp that happened when they made the announcement in Sacrament Meeting last Sunday). (for those not-LDS readers out there- this just means that i, along with three other women, are in charge of running the child organization in our church group). i have gone through a whirlwind of emotions since i got called. first and foremost, i feel inadequate. i'm only 26 years old. i know that experience = knowledge and wisdom, and i just have very little of either of those things. i am so lucky to have some wonderful counselors and secretary, 2 of which have been the primary president before. but i honestly feel like a little duckling trying to lead the ducks- it is ridiculous thinking of a duckling leading a duck- but that's how it feels. i just know there are far more experienced, capable women out there- and am scared to make mistakes.

having said all of that, i have been overwhelmed by the love i have felt from Heavenly Father. i feel like He truly knows me and understands the chaos that is my life sometimes- and will help me get through it- and make peace out of this chaos...somehow. and for now, i find sure peace knowing that I love Him, and i love children, and hopefully those two things will be on my side. i know many of you wonderful women have served and are serving in callings like these- and that inspires me! and of course, i'm so excited for all of the things that these children will teach me- i can't wait to surround myself with their sticky hands and chatter-box voices- and their pure faith and hearts. i just love kids so much.

and so that's my new life in the Primary.

before i knew about this calling, i had signed up for this Quiet Book Co-op- basically it was this group if ladies that were going to make X number of a designated gospel-topic-felt page, and we'd all swap. I'm not sure when or how this ever appealed to me- because i hardly sew, and i am barely crafty. but the thought of having an adorable homemade book like those masterpieces floating around on pinterest was kind of exciting. so i signed up.

birthdays happened. family came into town. world went crazy with new calling. felt book = last priority.

and now, my pages (28 of them! 28!!!!) are due on Saturday and i feel like a tenth grader who has procrastinated her end of semester project that counts for 97.3% of her grade.

I'm about to flunk.

guys why did i do this to myself?

ugh. thank goodness for awesome friends who will help you for hours and hours sewing snaps and cutting felt. and even for a husband who (bless his heart) did his best to cut some deformed fruit. both acts of true love.

but the truth is, i don't know if i'll ever be able to look at or touch felt again.

and yet it calls to me. because i'm not finished yet. and wonder if i ever will be.

hey, at least X factor is on!
i've always been a sucker for reality TV.
and i really like Astro the rapper and Drew- but i've also always been a sucker for the teen-boppers.

ok, now i'm just procrastinating again. it's just so easy to do when felt is involved.

xoxo

i love mormon messages: the Book of Mormon is true.

just preparing for my YW lesson and watched this new mormon message about the Book of Mormon.
i still have "goosies" (as JLO calls "goosebumps") all over.
i love the Book of Mormon and know it is true.



then i stumbled upon this mormon message too, and it made me smile...
especially hearing Ellie sing right along.



i love Sundays.

xoxo

i love mormon messages.

preparing for my YW lesson on Sunday, i came across this.
i was touched.
(ie: it made me cry. + it made me want to be better).
so... i thought i'd share.



life can be so hard sometimes.
and yet through all the pain, He is there.
He is here.

i love my Savior.
my Rescuer.
Our Redeemer.

big hugs.
xoxo

easter beliefs.

every morning when i wake up, i check the weather forecast for the day.
i'll admit, i get slightly bummed when i see the drizzle rain-drops and gray clouds.
but then i get excited to wear galoshes and have an excuse to sing "singin' in the rain", and to have a cozy movie day inside.
sometimes several of those cozy days inside can make me go bananas and so we get brave and wet as we trek to the library or target to peruse the $1 spot.
and just when those rainstorms feel like they are going to last forever and ever, they pass.
and i wake up one morning to see warmth and sunshine and blue skies in the forecast.
i feel my heart skip a beat.
and all i want to do is wiggle my toes in the grass like Rapunzel and sing a song about running and racing outside.
i feel rejuvenated.
and new.

i was thinking about this weather stuff when i was in the shower this morning.
and it made me think of the Savior's resurrection, which has been on my mind, just has it has been on yours.
how sorrowful and dark it must have felt when He died.
sometimes i try to imagine being Mary, His earthly mother- how horrible it must have been to watch her son endure all that He did, all throughout His life, including Gethsamane and finally the cross.
knowing all that she knew, her heart must have been so sad when she saw Him treated the way He was.
it must have felt so cold. and bleak. and almost like the sadness would last forever and ever.
but rainstorms always end.
and on the other side will always be a miracle.
because sunshine and warmth and blue skies came.
and sometimes i try to imagine what it must've been like to be Mary on that third day, too. to see first-hand the empty tomb. to see Him, in His resurrected body. to realize that He conquered death. that He not only died for all of us, but that He now lives for all of us.


i am the first to admit that i have a lot to learn.
i am not a scholar.
or as great of a scriptorian as i wish i was.
but i do know the most precious truth that can be found on this earth:
that Jesus Christ died for me. and you. and all of us.
and that now He lives.
and to me that's amazing because through His death and resurrection, He made it possible for us all to conquer death.
so we can be together again someday.
with our families. and with Him. and our Father.
and to me, that's the warmest sunshine i've ever felt.

Happy Easter.

xoxo

blessed.

dear little Alice Joy,

this past weekend you were blessed. i know you won't be able to remember this wonderful celebration of your little life, but i will. and someday, when i tell you about your blessing day, these might be some of the things i'll say:

you looked beautiful.

you were surrounded by people who love you. people traveled from Utah, Boston, and all parts of California just to see you and take part in your special day. you are very loved.

 

 

 your Daddy was very nervous. in fact, he was dripping in sweat when he handed you off to me after the blessing was over. he loves you so much and wanted to give you the perfect blessing. he did. you were so lucky to have a daddy who is worthy to give you such a lovely blessing.

i already knew it, but your blessing confirmed it: your Heavenly Father loves you very, very much. and he wants you to never ever forget it.

Ellie was amazed by how beautiful you looked. she kept saying, "Alice looks so beautiful in her white dress!" Ellie is your number one fan.

you wore the same dress that Ellie wore on her blessing day...the amazingly smocked creme silk dress that Grandma made for you girls. it looked just as stunning on you as it did on Ellie.

you slept like an angel in my arms before the blessing and after it. your little fingers curled around mine. i love the way you do that.

during the blessing, you stared up into the heavens- someday i hope to know what or who you were looking at up there. 

we had a killer soup + salad party at our little home with our families (minus a couple of people who were greatly missed) after church. Ellie really wanted you to eat some of the homemade rolls i made because they were super delicious and she didn't want you to miss out.

everyone ooogled and awed over how sweet and beautiful you are the whole day. your sweet little smiles melted everyone's hearts into big piles of goo.


i was reminded how blessed i am to be the mama to such a sweet, pure spirit, so fresh from Heaven and the presence of our Heavenly Father. while Ellie is my sunshine, you are my Joy, little Alice Joy. i love you so very, very much.

all and all, it truly was the loveliest of days. one that i will treasure in my memory keepsake box forever. and even though you were the one being given a blessing, i truly felt like you were the blessing being given to me.

love,
mama

xoxo