right now i am currently sitting at the computer, listening to Alice's little hands fidget with the doorknob to her room. she should be taking a nap -- but today she had the "ah-ha!" moment where she finally realized she can get up and open the door whenever the heck she wants. good-bye nap time. sniff.
but in spite of me being sad and mourning the loss of yet another naptime (and all-too-soon, might i add), i am loving picturing those little hands opening that doorknob. i love little hands.
have you ever thought about how many things we use our hands for? and how many ways your little munchkins discover the world with their hands? the ways are infinite! and all infinitely adorable. let me give you just a few examples:
i love how little hands grasp cups and drinks -- and that we, as adults all say the well-known and well-rehearsed lines: "use two hands or you'll spill!!" and they do.
i love how little hands have painting parties and make realllllllly big messes. ok so i don't love the messes part. but yes, the painting parties are so fun and cute.
i love the little finger foods that little hands eat. and i love seeing little hands hold a lollipop.
i love how little hands pretend and give you check-ups (one of my very favorite things that Alice does these days) and pour you tea at tea parties.
i love how little hands give thumbs up. and i love how little girl hands always have speckles of nail polish or are freshly painted (at least that's how the little girl hands are in our house).
i love how little hands hold things like umbrellas and swords (if you're Alice). and i love watching little hands turn pages to books (if you're a bookworm like Ellie).
i love watching little hands climb and bike and blow bubbles.
i love watching little hands clasp around someone's neck or body in the tightest embrace. little hands and arms give the best hugs.
i love when Ellie + Alice hold hands. it always makes my heart melt.
i love how little hands love to make things. we spent the morning busily working on our Valentines for our friends + family -- Ellie and Alice were so pleased with themselves! Ellie is getting so good at writing and cutting -- i love watching her little hands in action. and i love watching their little proud hands holding their beloved creations.
and i guess i've been thinking about little Max. and how he doesn't have normal little hands that will be able to do all of these beautiful and wonderful things. and that's hard. and it still makes me cry sometimes. and i know if we do get to keep him for a while, his life will be beautiful in so many other ways -- i mean, how special is it that we'll get to be his hands? it's something i think about constantly. such a special privilege. but it's still hard.
speaking of Max, there isn't much new to report. i'm still contracting like nobody's business and exploding with fluid -- which is a pretty gnarly experience. it's gotten to the point that all the strangers out there think i'm due yesterday, even though technically i should have 2 more months of this thing...but i tell them any day now, since that's the truth of the matter and it's just easier that way.
i've now had the amt of steroid injections that Max needed -- have you ever had steroid injections? what a trippy experience. my mom was here while i had 2 of them and kept telling me, "wow, you're super pingy. one minute you're crashing and the next you're talking a hundred miles a minute." and it was true. and i didn't sleep at all every night i had one because they made me so restless and trembly. in short: i was a total whacko! i'm so sorry to any of you that have to be on steroids all the time.
other than that, Max is physically the same. but we did have an amazing week with our doctors. i love good doctors -- and i have to say, i feel like we have the best. i can't even imagine what this whole experience would be like if i was uneasy about the care we have been receiving. what a blessing to have wonderful physicians! anyway, in my appointment with my OB, Dr. Wells last week, we had a lot of questions about the actual delivery day for him. we wanted to know who would be in the room, if they were going to whisk Max away immediately when he was born, if any of this was dangerous to me, and if there was anything i could do at all to prevent preterm labor. he was so calm and direct in answering all of our questions -- explaining it would be a very full room, they would certainly whisk Max away, this delivery should be as normal as possible (and not dangerous at all) for me, and there was nothing i could do to prevent my body's contractions, dilating and water breaking -- and to be prepared for it to "fill my shoes." he gave me a time frame- suspecting i'd go between 34-36 weeks. i'm 34 weeks on Friday, so that mental image of my shoes being filled with water is consuming my thoughts- both in daytime and dreamtime. especially when i'm in really awkward places like the post office, or church. i mean how weird would it be to fill my church shoes with water?? oh well, i'll add it to my tab of crazy junk that happens to me...and be sure to document it for you all!
anyway, after answering all of those questions of mine - M then asked one final question. he asked about Dr. Traynor's comment the previous week -- that this was a literal "fight for life" now for Max. we wanted to know if that was said because of the added risks of preterm labor. Dr. Wells folded his arms and looked at us, shaking his head and explained something like, "No. We deliver babies at 28 weeks who do just fine and make it. what Dr. Traynor has noted is complicated -- so many things are going on with this little guy, and new things keep coming up -- and so it is the collection of all these things that are going to make it a fight for his life. but we're going to do everything we possibly can to get him to make it through it all...." and then he paused and added, "but it's in God's hands." and then he gave me a huge hug. my OB! and you know what, it meant a lot to me.
and those words have resonated with me, because it's true, and it's what i believe and what i know: it's in God's hands.
and how wonderful His hands are. the most perfect. the ones who can do anything and make anything happen. i love knowing His hands are in control -- guiding and aligning all the pieces in the way that He knows is best. and so i know His hands will be fighting the fight with us -- whether that fight is helping us learn to be little Max's hands or helping lift us up if He needs Max to come home.
see you back tomorrow for a love-day full of loves?? lovely lovely lovely.
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