September flew by.

September flew by with all the back-to-school normal stuff... plus a preschool sunflower that finally decided to grow. Ellie was very pleased.

 

the most exciting part of the month was that Ellie learned how to ride her bike minus training wheels! go ELLIE! it was pretty crazy how quickly she picked it up. she decided she wanted to do it on a Friday and by Saturday afternoon she was cruising like a pro. she kept saying, "woo! look at me! i'm so BIG!" i love that kid.

we also had some added fun mixed in. i got M tickets to see BYU play vs Texas at home for his 30th...the game was rained out for the whole beginning but they ended up pulling through, and they even made it on TV! why is it so cool to be on TV? i'm not sure really, but it just is.

 

on that weekend while M was away, i took the girls to the movies and to Six Flags and even made them a lil fancy spaghetti and meatball dinner. we had a really fun weekend together which always feels nice as the mama.

we had another Primary Program! this year's theme was "I am a Child of God." what a simple and pure truth! the program was one of my favorites we've ever had. i love how the gospel is broken down to the basics in Primary - it is so easy to understand...as it should be! Ellie's line was so sweet and pure. it was "I am grateful that Jesus was ressurrected because that means I'll get to be with my baby brother Max again." her pure faith and testimony as she confidently and passionately shared that truth on that day made me cry. i think it made others cry, too! she is such a sweet and tender soul.

Sept also marked the 6-month birthday of Max.
i've said it before, but i'll say it again: milestones are hard.
a six month old baby is so fun. and so big. and so sweet. they have their personality. they interact. they eat real food. they cuddle you and you are their whole world.
and yet our baby wasn't here to experience all of that. i don't think i'll ever get used to these milestones being missed.

i remember feeling overwhelmed with how sad i felt.
i felt frustrated for feeling so sad still. like i should be getting better by then but i almost felt to be digressing again. M and i talked about it one day and he told me something that continues to stay with me- he said, "i think it's important to just let yourself feel what you're gonna feel." it's so true. otherwise you either implode or explode - and neither scenario is good. i guess i just wanted to know how i could grieve and get it over with and i am slowly realizing hat there's no such thing. there's no set way to do it. there's no right or wrong amount of time or window of emotion that you should experience. it's all different for each person. i loved this little quote at the end of the Disney Short, "The Ballad of Nessie" i heard around this time. it said,

"Do not be afraid to cry
It really is ok
Sometimes it is through our tears
that we find a better way."

i love that because experiencing these emotions - these real, literally painful in my chest emotions, has taught me things i really couldn't have learned any other way. the hole that Max has left felt and feels gapingly monstrous. i ache for him every day. i cry for him often. and i think it is through those tears that i am able to find more compassion and love and empathy for those around me. i'm far from who i want to be, but Max is helping me become better - even missing him is helping me become better.

for his six month birthday, we painted pots for Max. i wrote in my journal: "The girls absolutely loved painting pots for Max today to bring them to our place. We spent at least an hour working up designs and using all different colors and paintbrushes. They were so proud of how their masterpieces turned out- and hoped that Max would love what htey did for him. It is so touching watching these beautiful little girls honor their sweet little brother like this. I love it."

we filled the pots with flowers and took them up to our place, where it was a gorgeous evening. we brought big star balloons and wrote him little messages on them and sent them to heaven.

Alice was so sweet - pointing at the balloons and saying, "Yook, Mama! Da balloons are dancing in da sky!" they did look like they were dancing. i loved that. i'm so grateful for these precious little ones that keep me smiling even when it feels like i can't.

i wonder what he thinks on these days. are these days hard for him? or is it just hard because he knows that they're hard for us? i wonder if he gets to come and see the little things we do for him. i think he does. and i hope he knows that even when another 100 half-years pass by, we'll still miss him and love him as much as we did this day when we painted pots, planted flowers, sang songs and had a little dance party for him on his 6 month birthday.

xoxo

the Primary Program...and a church-y post.

this year was Ellie's first Primary Program at church.

she was so cute -- reciting her part morning-noon-& night before the program-- and then making sure that her teachers (and everyone else) knew that she could do it "all by herself." when it was her turn for her part, she got up to the microphone and heaved a big sigh. i think it was a little more overwhelming to be in front of all those people than she had anticipated! it was very cute. and while i couldn't video the program, i had to capture her lil line on video, and had to share it, too.

it was also my first time writing/organizing a Primary Program in my calling as the Primary President of my ward-- i got called to be the Primary President just after the Program last year.* it was a stressful experience, but also a very rewarding one. there are definitely things i will do different next year -- but i learned so much. mostly i learned that no matter what you do as a leader, letting the children share their bright faces, faith and hearts makes it wonderful. and it truly was! though i'm definitely glad i won't have to worry about another one for a year.

*i cannot believe i have been in this calling for a year! it has been a wonderful one- one where i have learned so much about callings, being a member of the church, and recognizing God's hand in our lives. i have learned that callings are definitely not as glamorous as they seem. they require a lot of behind-the-scenes busy-work, phone calls, and meetings. they require depending on others, delegating, and realizing you need help- because there's no way to get it all done alone. they also require a lot of decision-making and leading, even when you don't know what you're doing, and even in front of people that are much more qualified than you. i think one of the main things i have learned about callings is that they are a very humbling experience. they strip you down and make you realize how incapable you truly are without Heavenly Father's guidance and love.

i've recognized what a huge blessing it is to be a member of a church that serves one another- all on a volunteer basis. i've been privileged to see members of my ward (including Primary Teachers, Primary Presidency members, and Bishopric Members) serving tirelessly and endlessly, with the goal of helping each other. people who put aside their own wants and needs for the needs of others. it is remarkable! and it has made me incredibly grateful for all that my leaders have done for me in the past, without me even realizing it.

and the greatest blessing i've received through this calling is having my relationship with Heavenly Father be strengthened- i can truly see Him working in my life. a year ago, i remember receiving this calling and wondering how it could be possible. how could this be asked of me in this season of my life? how in the world am i going to be able to do it all? the answer is: i can't. and i don't. but somehow, all that needs to be done happens-- and i recognize that is because of Him. He makes anything possible. i can feel Him guiding me in decisions that are made regarding the children and families in our ward. i feel His love for me -- and i feel His love so incredibly strong for His children. i am not perfect. i get weighed down and sometimes think "can't someone else do this...with like, a little more life experience?" but i think this is what it's all about: being asked to do something, even a thing that seems hard, and doing our best at it -- and then He takes care of the rest... and somehow makes us better than we used to be along the way.

xoxo

p.s. thank you for allowing me to indulge in some personal, spiritual thoughts for a moment. i know i don't do it too often, and sometimes these posts tend to come off a little snooty-- but that is not how it is intended at all. these thoughts are genuine and they are meaningful to me- and i know they will be meaningful to me someday in the future, too. xoxo

love week: i love primary.

well, it's Sunday today, so naturally churchiness is on my mind- and today i am happy to say that i love Primary.

initially it took me a little while to warm up to the idea of Primary. i was sad to be released from serving in the Young Women program because i loved the girls, i loved the women i served with, and it (embarrassingly enough) was a good part of my social life and spiritual nourishment. i was worried that going into Primary would be so busy and stressful, and that i would miss out on that spiritual nourishment that you get in both YW & Relief Society- and i was more than kind of bummed.

boy was i wrong.
Primary is just such a wonderful place to be.
the spirit is so strong, the children are so loving, and the women i work with are remarkable.
the only reason i was sure before that being Primary President was what he Lord wanted for me was because that's what the Bishop had told me. "ok, i'll do it, but are you really, really sure?" because i really, really wasn't.
well, it's been a few months, we've survived the new year and the craziness of re-staffing almost entire new batch of Primary teachers, we've had several meetings, and had more than several prayers to know what to do- and i really feel overwhelmed that i am where i am supposed to be. sure, there are a million people who are way more organized than i am or that have way more knowledge and experience than i do. but for some reason the Lord is giving me this opportunity to serve- and i feel lucky and blessed.

some things i love about Primary:

i love the funny things kids say.
one week, i was teaching about Agency. i was talking about the Plan of Salvation and about how Heavenly Father had a plan for us where we would be given the gift to make choices for ourselves. i told them how Satan, on the other hand didn't want us to choose for ourselves, but to be like robots and he could choose for us everything we did. the following week, another leader was teaching Sharing Time. she asked the question, "What was Satan's plan before we came to earth?" a little girl raised her hand, "For us to be robots!"
well, at least she was listening.

i love the primary songs.
the spirit comes so strongly into the room when i hear little kids singing about Jesus, and about knowing the scriptures are true. my testimony grows and my frustrations from my home life go away. i am also amazed by how quickly they learn the songs- Ellie comes home singing songs that she's learning in primary and it makes all of us smile.

i love how teachable children are.
today i was teaching the children about reverence, per the idea of one of my counselors. basically i made these adorable sticks with butterflies on the end as a symbol of reverence- there is a story in the Friend where a Primary President teaches two rambunctious children about reverence by taking them to a butterfly exhibit at the zoo; she shows them how to catch a butterfly- the story quotes:
“Reverence is a lot like these butterflies. You don’t catch a butterfly. You let it come to you. You don’t catch a reverent feeling, either. It just comes to you when you are quiet. It’s the warm feeling you are feeling right now. You can also feel it when you think about Jesus Christ or anything else wonderful. When you are in Primary next Sunday, think about how quiet you had to be to have these butterflies in your hands. Then think about Jesus, and see if you get that same reverent feeling.”
as i was showing the children the butterflies i made, i could see their eager, willing eyes understanding and accepting this truth about what reverence means. i wish i was as eager, meek, teachable and willing to accept the Lord's truths as little children are. (note: you can find the Butterfly story here).

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i love learning so much from my calling.
the women i work with are wonderful. we are all so different and yet i feel connected to them in a unique and special way. i feel strengthened by them and their reliability, their creativity, and their unique personalities that reach out to others. it really makes me want to be better. i love learning from the children. they are so kind and pure in heart and my testimony is strengthened as they willingly share their talents, their testimonies, and their love for each other and the gospel.

i love being where Ellie is.
the sunbeams are just the cutest little squirts on the planet. i'm sure you've seen Ellie wearing her sunbeam crown in random pictures i have posted over the last few weeks (yes, we even made one for Alice - she feels pretty awesome) she is so proud to be in primary- she knows it's a special place to be. because it is. i love primary.

now, that doesn't mean i like 7:30 am meetings, that i'm not extremely excited for Alice to go into nursery in 9 Sundays (but who's counting, right?), that i don't come home from church all sweaty, and that i don't desperately crave a nap every Sunday... i am human, you know.

xoxo