the emotional well.

{a sunday stroll}

as of late, i've become an avid reader of c jane & nie nie's blogs. they are so inspiring. if you do not know their stories, i encourage you to read up on them by clicking on the links on my sidebar. in one post c jane recently wrote, she said the following: "I came home thinking about how fast my emotional well is drained these days, and how the funeral of my dear cousin filled it to overflowing." it got me thinking about my own life...and how i couldn't help but feel that my emotional well was too running a bit dry.

then i got a phone call on thursday night from a good friend...who happens to be in the bishopric. our conversation went something like this:

"Hey Marci, how are you tonight?" he asked, clearly NOT calling to just to see how i was doing...

my mind starts racing...i'm good...uh oh...are you calling to ask me speak?? please say no.

"I'm good, what can i do for ya?"

"Well, I was just wondering, have you and M ever spoken in this ward?"

"Yes," I kindly replied...hoping that would somehow put me off the hook from a scary speaking assignment. but i knew better than to hope for that.

"Oh, well, would you and M mind speaking in church on Sunday?"

well, of course i mind. in fact, i wish i could give you a million reasons why i can't speak. because i don't want to. ok?

"Ok- well, let me ask M." maybe M will have a good reason why we can't accept the assignment.

i put the phone on mute...and yelled outside for M.

"M!! Are we going to be here on Sunday??" hoping for a "no, we have a baby blessing," or "no, we're going to my aunt and uncle's house to watch the paint dry." anything.

"Yeah, we're going to be here!" M yelled from across the yard.

ugh. i stare at the phone. should i throw it and break it? could i get ellie to start crying and then i could just tell him honestly that ellie was being fussy and i had better go but i could get back to him...and then never really get back to him??

"Ok, we'll be here. What's the topic?" i cheerfully told him.

"Great! It's on Elder Uchtdorf's talk The Faith of Our Father."

and that was our conversation. we were locked in. speaking in church.

what is it that makes speaking in church such a fearsome experience? i mean, the truth is, some of my greatest testimony-strengthening experiences have come from me getting up and bearing witness of the truthfulness of the gospel and of Jesus Christ. but for some reason, my heart still beats as fast as it used to when i was 10 when i imagine getting walking up to that silly pedestal and microphone.

so, the topic the Faith Of Our Father was on my mind all weekend...inch by inch, unconsciously filling up my empty well.

then, yesterday, M and i visited the temple. confession: it had been a while. any reason i give is quite honestly an empty excuse...so i won't even try. the minute we walked through those doors, i felt a warm, peaceful feeling- like i finally came home after a long day's work. we were going to the temple with a very important decision in mind. i was nervous about it. i reallllly wanted a different answer than i received. but, i was overwhelmed by the love and peace i felt from above...and am confident that 'everything will work out,' as President Hinckley says. my well was full.

then last night, i shared the company with some of my most favorite women to laugh, talk, share, eat, and learn at the general relief society broadcast. there were several talks that were motivating and inspiring...but all in all, i walked away with a sense of renewal and hope. i walked away thinking, "i know the Lord loves me." my well was past its brim.

today, we spoke. i was impressed by the love and devotion of my mr. M. i was strengthened. and edified. like i always am. i wondered why i was scared. but know i will be again the next time i am asked. my mother and my sister surprised us to listen to us speak. i was reminded how lucky i am to be surrounded by people i love. the emotional well was dripping over.

after church, we went on a walk through the park. we smiled. we held ellie. we held hands. we spent time together. we oogled and awed over our little miracle baby. sigh.

so, today, i feel like i have eaten an emotional thanksgiving feast. my emotional well is overflowing.

{after our sunday stroll}

xoxo

love/hate relationship

"i hate flies...but then again i love them. because flies eat all the dog poop in your backyard so you don't have to clean it up."

-five year old little boy in my kindergarten class

i love five year olds.

feelin' girly.

i don't really consider myself a "girly girl." no offense or anything to all of you out there...it's just never really been me to choose pink, chocolate and shopping above any and everything else.

however, i do have moments of extreme girlyness. today, for instance, i neglected all edges of my responsible self (laundry, cooking, cleaning) to watch my two favorite girly movies: You've Got Mail and Pride and Prejudice...i did this while giving myself a manicure, blogging, and eating my very own bowl of popcorn. (very girly)

i adore you've got mail. i remember watching it for the first time in high school with a bunch of my girl friends at an 80's sleepover. i remember it brought out everything lovely, romantic and girly in me then. it did the same thing to me today. except now, i quote the whole movie as i watch it. i seriously wish i was as witty as kathleen kelly. and as adorable. "i love daisies...they're so friendly. don't you think daisies are the friendliest flower?" sigh.

and then there's Pride and Prejudice...what a treasure. a book i've read countless times, and a movie i never tire of. i recently read on Nie Nie's blog "I left the theater...thinking how lucky I am that I have my very own Mr. Darcy. I hope you have one too." everyone deserves a Mr. Darcy. i love my Mr. Darcy...so much. (mega girly).

confession: i have loved feeling girly today. i think every girl should embrace some girlyness every once in a while. in fact, to all my girly readers out there...how do you celebrate your girlyness?

weekend, shmeekend.

i'm a little sad writing this post...thinking of yet another weekend that has come and gone so quickly. i loved this weekend. it included some of my most favorite things:

a visit from my mom...aka "gammy"....which means a little time with family... and a little bit of this:


and of course this:

shopping with my mom...which means shopping for Ellie...which means Ellie got spoiled rotten yet again. (isn't this beanie to die for!?)...


lots of yummy Ellie smiles!...

Ellie hangin out in the bjorn to cheer on our cougars for yet another fabulous win...which means a very sweaty mommy...

and a very happy daddy!...

and a very worn out Ellie....who decided to hide from the crazy roaring fans underneath this little hat...


some freshly baked banana bread...with just enough powdered sugar to make it a delightful treat...


some good times and good laughs with friends at silly videos like this one (thanks Meg & Dave...this is still stuck in my head as i go to sleep tonight)
{p.s. beware, it WILL get stuck in your head too}

a newly-put-together toy (again, thanks Meg and Dave! it's a hit!)...

a very happy, curious Ellie...working very hard to figure out the mechanics of the toys...

a change of seasons to my favorite: FALL


lots of snuggling...and being adorned in baby gear...

and lots of yummy fresh baths to end our days!

good-bye weekend. come back soon!

xoxo

just because.

this picture is SO cute. just had to share.

work it out.

confession: still haven't made it to the gym. i've tried and failed 7 consecutive work days. (side note: those are the days i have actually tried going...hadn't tried to go to the gym post-Ellie till then. eek). going at 5:00 am is a lot harder than it sounds. anyway, i was feeling real guilty about it...

{creepy one-eyed guilty face}

but then i read this little snippit from my little nursing book:

pg 33:

"now that's a workout! breastfeeding can burn up to 500 calories per day. So while you sit calmly nursing your baby, you burn the same number of calories you would if you completed:

• one hour of high-impact aerobics
• one hour of mowing the lawn with a push mower
• one hour of shoveling snow
• one our of chopping and splitting wood
• one hour of coal mining
• one hour of horse grooming
• ninety minutes of hunting
• more than ninety minutes of hunching over and bathing a dog
• two hours of paddle-boating
• two hours of mopping
• two and a half hours of applying fertilizer to your lawn
• three hours of brushing your teeth
• five hours of standing in a line
• seven hours of making out with your spouse"

ok, so even though my abs aren't as sexy as i remember them being...i feel a little better knowing my body is workin' out whether i tell it to or not.

thanks, little nursing book.

gummy bears, please.

on friday, after running out of diapers, YET AGAIN, M asked me if i needed anything else at the store.

"i'd like some gummy bears," i responded politely.

a short 15 minutes later, i saw the swan (our white '01 corolla) pull up to our place.

through the windshield, i saw M hold up this beauty:


it's kinda hard to tell, but this is a FIVE POUND bag of gummy bears. take a peek inside the bag:


confession: today is sunday...a short two days later...and the bag is almost empty. maybe two gummy grabs left.

how to remedy this problem?

heading to the gym tomorrow. first time in months. gotta work some of those gummy bears out of my ever-growing hips.

we are brave.

took Ellie to cheer the cougars on against the bruins...
our day looked something like this:

{Ellie all decked out in her cougar gear, getting pumped for the game by watching Baby Mozart}

{Me 'n E- notice Ellie sporting the new hat we bought her... it's obviously WAY too big}

{HUGE cougar fans}

{taking a silly break from the heat and the noise}

{check out her cute vans!}

{Passed-out-Ellie from cheering so hard}

summary: it was a huge SUCCESS. being brave paid off.

xoxo

three months: then and now.

behold, the truth about Ellie:

it's amazing how much changes in three months. three months ago, i felt huge and uncomfortable...i felt anxious and excited...i felt ready, yet not ready for what would come.

{41 Weeks Pregnant}

then Ellie came to us. the first week, i was excited and hopeful, and of course exhausted. Ellie was a little miracle. i was constantly in awe that this little person really was ours.

{Ellie at 1 day old}

then, Ellie wouldn't sleep. she was never one of those babies that would just get wiped out and fall asleep wherever they were. she started getting "fussy." she cried a lot. in fact, she cried way more than i had expected a little infant to cry. there were many sleepless nights. nursing took FOREVER. she was very, very alert...and seemed frustrated by her inability to move around in this little body. for weeks, i was in denial that Ellie was colicky. i felt like colic somehow reflected something negative on me as a mom. i felt like i should be able to console my baby. i tried to remain calm and patient- but it was very difficult sometimes...i cried a lot. she didn't even like it when i held her- she wanted to be put down. i longed for cuddling and snuggling my baby.

{Ellie on the Fourth of July- almost 4 weeks old}

we tried everything to help Ellie get over her fussiness. we tried formula instead of nursing. didn't help at all. i put her on a strict schedule- of which we never deviated from. it helped a little. i read a book called the happiest baby on the block (thanks jen) which helped a lot. we became faithful swaddlers, swingers (acutally BOUNCERS would more accurately describe it), stomach-holders, shhhh-ers, and offerers of sucking (nursing, binkies, etc). bouncing helped a lot...but she became addicted. everyone who was associated with Ellie in the previous months knows that she could only be consoled by a tight swaddle, a bink and bouncing. it was crazy. needless to say, i was exhausted all the time.

{Ellie swaddled, with binky- seconds after rigorous bouncing}

that was the old Ellie.

let me tell you about three month Ellie:
it's like a switch has gone off! she is sooo happy!
she smiles like crazy
she loves to be held (i type this with tears welling up in my eyes!)
she loves sucking on her fingers (instead of her bink). this has helped tremendously with self-soothing
she can finally fall asleep WITHOUT bouncing [insert huge HOORAY here!]
she loves to sit and watch baby einstein
she loves the baby bjorn- and will hang out there while i do anything from cooking to blowdrying my hair
she loves making giant spit-bubbles
she rolls over
she is scooting
she loves the "big girl" bath
she talks like crazy (cooing, etc)
she gets more adorable with each and every day.

{Ellie's adorable smile on her blessing day}

{Ellie letting me snuggle and hold her!}

don't get me wrong; i was in love with colicky Ellie. she has always had my heart. i was just often exasperated. i couldn't figure out what to do sometimes. it is my belief that three month Ellie has entered our lives as a gift for sticking it out patiently with colicky Ellie. there are still tricky moments- but overall, life has 180'd. i'm proud to say we have conquered the colic. to all you new mommies out there (or mommies to be)- hang in there! you can do it! it gets better and better each and every day.

and to my Ellie:
i'm so happy you came into our lives three months ago! you have been a little monster sometimes, but you are the cutest little monster on the planet. thank you for being my new little best friend. i love you!

99% of what i do...

how do my days fill themselves these days, you may ask?

well...let's just say i feel like i could be a lactation specialist. 99% of what i do these days has to do with the whole NURSING thing: i'm feeding ellie, i'm changing nursing pads, i'm pumping, i'm feeding again, i'm pumping again, i'm leaking. seriously. i had no idea this would be such an involved process.

which is where this book comes in:


my mom gave it to me this summer- and really, i think i would have found it pretty grotesque before i embarked on this adventure...but now i find it absolutely hilarious. from now on, i think i'll slip in an occasional exerpt from this little treasure. today's pick:

page 2:

"top ten things your boobs would say if they could talk:

1. since when are we open twenty four hours?
2. get the soothing gel. get it now.
3. sir, this is a "babies only" zone.
4. kid, how can you NOT SEE our nipples when they're the size of paper plates?
5. woo hoo! we're spraying across the room!
6. wow, we look spectacular!
7. wait, now we look like old gym socks.
8. hmmm, do we hear a baby crying somewh...and there's the milk.
9. hey, we don't get paid enough to work this hard.
10. oh great. a tooth."

to all you nursing mommies out there... i know you can relate.

xoxo