mighty Max.

{foreword: this post is pretty much the reason i have become so behind on my blog; it has been on the forefront of my mind, and yet has been something that i hadn't been ready to really publicize to the world until now. but i think it's time to share what's truly been in my heart and on my mind. so thank you for allowing me to indulge for a minute...or 30}

 one exciting thing that i left out of our November Wedding Week extravaganza posts was that we found out the gender of our third lil baby. we had heard about a place in Southern Cal that did Gender Ultrasounds for $25-- and since we were going to be with my family when i should have had my 20 week ultrasound, we decided it'd be fun to find out and surprise everyone when we got there.

we had both girls with us- and were both totally surprised, overwhelmed and overjoyed to find out we are having a baby boy! it was an awesome moment for us- because we truly were expecting to have another girl. it was also super duper fun to have all of my family/siblings together to share the fun news with. i loved hearing my dad say to me over and over, "i can't believe you're having a boy. that's just so awesome!" i mean, you can't blame the guy for being so happy, having endured a world of girliness for a verrry long time, with having only his oldest child being a boy, then two girls...and four granddaughters.... yes the estrogen levels have been very high for quite some time.

the day before Thanskgiving, we went in for our regular 20 week ultrasound with my own OB. i was really 22 or 23 weeks by this point-- and we were anxious to have the gender confirmed and hear that everything was happy and healthy with our lil man.

the good news: we were in fact having a boy!
the bad news: things weren't all happy and healthy.

we could tell right away that something was wrong. the tech was very quiet, in moments that she should have been reassuring and upbeat. she wouldn't give us any confirmation either way, and just relayed the fact that the doctor would be in to talk with us shortly.

it sounded very ominous.

finally the Dr. Trainer came in to talk with us. he seemed somber -- immediately asking me why i hadn't had genetic testing done at 16 weeks. i told him that we had previously had two very healthy pregnancies and babies, and were firm in our conviction that no matter the outcome of any genetic testing, we'd keep the baby; so to us, genetic testing wasn't essential.

he looked somewhat relieved and commented that it would make what he had to tell us far less difficult and rushed, knowing that we weren't considering terminating the pregnancy.

my heart sunk to my toes. honestly, most of what was said after that sounded very muffled and unreal.

he began to explain the defects that he had noticed in our little guy; basically he is missing the radial bone in his forearms. this has caused his hands so they haven't developed properly and look malformed/curled in. he will likely never have any function in his hands. they also noticed that one of the ventricles of his heart looked smaller than the other- and were concerned about the condition of his heart. finally, they noticed abnormality in his brain, as the Cravum Septum Pellucidum appeared missing. he told us that it would take time and research to make a clear diagnosis on what was going on with our baby, but that it looked like Holt-Oram Syndrome. at the time, i had never heard of such a disorder. and hot tears streamed down my face. this couldn't be happening.

the dr. was kind, but honest. he told us how sorry he was that he couldn't offer us better information/news about the baby. but he also assured us that he would give us the best care possible. 

they gave us a list of appointments we needed to make; it felt long. we wouldn't know answers for a long time because a lot of the appointments wouldn't happen until the beginning of the year-- it all felt so uncertain and unreal.

M was my hero throughout the whole thing. he was calm, composed, and asked very insightful questions-- when all i could do was cry. he held my hand- and when the dr. and tech finally left to give us a minute to process it all,  he just hugged me and we cried together.

in those first few hours, we of course were very overwhelmed and sad. we both felt numb. we sat there in the car for a long time not really saying anything. and then, even though the tears were still there, we both felt so much comfort and peace. it was like heaven was two feet from us. we could touch it. i think M would tell you the same thing; we felt like we already knew this little guy. we both already loved him so so much, and just wanted to hug and hold him. and most importantly, we felt that God knows us. He knows our family and our children and our struggles. He knows the challenges this little boy will face. and He will help us know how to plow through them, together, and that we will all be so much closer, especially to Him because of it.

the months since that initial appointment have continued to be a roller-coaster of emotions.  we have felt sad knowing of all the challenges and struggles that our lil guy will undergo, especially as we have had more appointments and seen more clearly his little arms and hands, which are quite deformed. it is heart-breaking to see and difficult not to think about things that he will miss out on. we have felt overwhelmed, knowing that we have no idea what his quality of life will be like because of all of the abnormalities in his brain-- and we have wondered if we'll be strong enough for him. we've been worried about our girls, and how this will affect them and their little lives. we have been stressed, wondering what in the world this journey is going to be like (since we really haven't had that many answers).

but, when those insecure moments of doubt and frustration and despair creep in, i can't help but think of this:

i think when things like this happen, you really have two choices: you can either turn away from God, wondering how in the world He could do something like this to you, or you can cling to Him and the things you know are true- and therefore feel Him cling tighter to you.

for me, the only thing i can do is cling to Him, because this feels far too helpless not to. and as we've done that, the blessings have been incredible. i have felt more compassion for others- knowing that i have no idea what anyone is going through or carrying as their burden. it has made me be more sensitive and loving-- probably like i should have always been. i have also felt more gratitude for my blessings;  both our girls are so sweet and healthy-- things i have previously taken for granted, but i realize are such incredible blessings. and M is the most incredible companion to have by my side in such a stressful time-- he calms me and reassures me that we can and will do this together- but it's ok to be sad sometimes. and more than anything else, i feel God's love pouring over us through His children; i have never felt the power of other people's prayers on behalf of myself the way i have over these last couple of months. we have had peace and comfort in a lot of uncertainty, and i know it's because of the power of fasting and prayers made on our behalf. i have never seen and felt so many people, who have truly been my angels, pour out such an immense amount of love over me and my little family; from phone calls, emails, baked bread, anonymous gifts, texts, dinners, flowers, treats, and cards-- all offering support and comfort in this difficult time. the kindness and goodness of others truly amazes and inspires me.

now i know that this is just the beginning. we have barely scratched the surface of what life will be like with our lil man. but with clinging to Heavenly Father has come the overwhelming impression that bringing this lil guy into the world is and will continue to be a huge blessing to my family. even though his challenges may sadden me at times, it is not a horrible thing; because it is a blessing and privilege to bring a special spirit into the world. and when i start getting burdened by all of the hardships that could and might be-- i think of some advice that was given to me early on-- which as truly helped me: "Try not to think of the 'what-if' scenarios. They will just drive you nuts." and my mom has added to this advice by always telling me, "just take it one day at a time-- and it will all work out. it always does." and so that's what we're trying to do. take it one day at a time.

afterword: 
normally, coming up with names for our kids has been a long, daunting process. but for some reason, when we found out it was a boy, the name Max came up. i really liked the name Maxwell. M really liked the name Maximillian or Maximus. so we looked up name meanings; Maxwell means "capable" and Maximillian and Maximus both mean "the greatest." the whole time we were in Southern Cal for Wedding Week, M would joke with me, "why in the world would i have a capable son when i can have the greatest son?" it was pretty hard to argue, i'll tell you what. 
now once we know about this lil guy's struggles, we know that he truly will be the greatest. we haven't decided 100% between Maximus/Maximillian- but we do know that he is Max-- and that he will be one of our families' greatest blessings. what a little fighter Mr. Mighty Max must already be.

xoxo