remembering Max: welcome to earth

on Sunday afternoon, i felt immediate guidance and inspiration come from Elder Cook's blessing.

M and i were sitting on the couch, pinching each other to see if it had all been real (meeting Elder Cook, that is). the girls were playing with Gammy (my mom) outside. and all was calm. it was a idyllic moment.

then my phone rang.

it was my OB, Dr. Wells, calling me from his cell phone, on a Sunday evening. weird, right? well, he began the conversation by telling me he'd been thinking about my labor and delivery all weekend (how thoughtful of you, Dr. Wells, i thought). he said that he had been playing it over and over again in his mind and couldn't help but be concerned about breaking my water. he said that with the immense amount of fluid that i had, he was afraid that when he'd try to break my water slowly, the pressure would be far too great and would rush anyway -- which would most likely then cause the placenta to tare and would then cause Max's heart rate to plummet, which would then mean an emergency C-section. he commented that he'd be wheeling me into that O.R. with the thought in his mind, "could i have done anything to prevent this C-Section from happening?" and he would be able to answer "yes, we could have done an amniocentisis." he then added, "and i just don't want to have any regrets going into tomorrow, so i am recommending you come in tonight for an amnio to draw out some of that fluid to reduce the potential pressure when i eventually break your water."

it was a total curve-ball, but we took Dr. Wells' recommendation -- i felt impressed that evening that Dr. Wells was inspired to call me. but it wasn't until the next afternoon that it became extremely clear that his phone call was a direct result from Elder Cook's blessing..... (things he said in his blessing were in direct correlation to things Dr. Wells communicated with me) and i am confident that Max eventually survived childbirth because of this procedure. in short, i know that Elder Cook's blessing saved Max's life - or more plainly put: gave him his life. how incredible is that? so, so neat.

so we went in for the amnio that Sunday evening at 6 pm. they began the procedure by sticking a needle with suction in my tummy/uterus. they then started drawing the fluid out -- liter by liter. at first it was no big deal. but then it caused some pretty intense contractions to start ... the needle began bending sideways as i contracted, and so they'd have to bend it straight to keep the flow going. it was excruciatingly painful. i did NOT like that one bit. over about 2 hours, they ended up drawing out almost 4 liters of fluid, and estimated that there was at least that much left inside of me (crazy!)...and some pretty intense labor had started. (translation: i was swearing VERY loudly in my brain).  they weren't ready for Max to come quite yet, so they gave me all kinds of meds to stop the contractions....and told me i needed to stay the night (which i wasn't prepared for since they told me i'd be going home that night and coming back in the morning ... ) at that point, i was truthfully grateful to stay since i was kind of freaked out by all of that fluid, and all of the crazy-swearing-worthy-pain i'd been having.

after they settled my contractions down, the rest of the evening was a special one. we had some unique time with Dr Wells that was very touching. he talked to us about life and death - and commented "how wonderful it is that we know what we know -- that this life isn't it." we aren't members of the same church, and yet we are connected in the belief of life after death - and that was so comforting to me. it was also so comforting to hear him give us advice about hospitals and decisions we'd make about our baby. he was so empathetic and compassionate -- a side many people don't get to see in their physicians, and i appreciated it so very much.

once i was pretty stable, M decided to leave to go home and get some toiletries and a change of clothes. i was there all alone, feeling Max move (which i miss, oh so much), and hearing the machines beep and buzz. i was so tired, but i couldn't sleep. it's hard for me to articulate exactly what i felt in that moment -- but it wasn't fear or anxiety. i felt skinny! losing 4 liters of fluid was brilliant.  and mostly i felt relief and excitement. this painful, uncertain experience was coming to an end and arriving to a new beginning. i felt him so close to me that night -- in a way different than inside of me -- more like him sitting by me, and holding my hand. i loved that i could feel his Mighty spirit there comforting his poor ole mama. what a handsome soul. in short: i just couldn't wait to meet him.

the next morning came quickly. and before i knew it, dozens of people were in and out of my hospital room. they started me on the pitocin. i got the epidural (woop woop!). then Dr. Wells broke my water slowly -- and we waited and waited and waited.

more people came. my dad. M's mom. my mom.

more waiting.

and then, all of a sudden, i felt extreme pressure. they had just checked me and i was like a 6. but i was sure there was a baby there ... and so my nurse checked again ... and immediately got on her phone to call my Doctor. Max was coming.

about a gazillion people flooded in the room at that point. Neo-natologists, neo-natal nurses, my perinatologist, and several other people who were complete strangers to me (but wore scrubs so i assumed earned their way there ?? ). and the room was spiritually charged, too. i'm not saying i had visions or anything like that. but you could feel heaven near, almost so close you could touch it.

i only pushed three times -- and then he came, along with a sense of relief like i'd never felt. there was certainly a LOT of fluid still left, which was probably the source of some of the relief ... but it was also a sense of relief, like my body was being released from that part of its role and calling in this process. i'm crying writing about that. i think that's because carrying Max really did feel similar to a calling. it was a sacrifice, and a blessing, just like any pregnancy is. and when he was born, it felt like i was released from that calling, in the same bittersweet way it feels to be released from any calling. the hardest / best calling i've ever had.

initially when Max was born, he didn't breathe...he didn't cry. the girls had both been the loudest cries of the day, so it was a little bit alarming -- but somehow i felt calm. i remember the crowd of neo-natal people working away on little Max. it was tense. and quiet. time felt frozen. they couldn't intabate him because his little jaw was contracted so tightly ... and just when it felt like it had just been too long, i heard a little whimpering cry -- and the tension in the room eased up. Max was breathing on his own -- it was truly a miracle.

i remember crying in that moment. and feeling overwhelmed with joy that he got to breathe - that he got to live. i couldn't see him, but i couldn't stop looking over at all the commotion with the hope that i might get a glimpse.

M and his dad then were able to give him a blessing. i couldn't hear the blessing, but i could feel it. and because of it, i knew Max was going to be ok that day.

and then, after the blessing, the Neo-Natologist wrapped Max up, not connected to anything yet, and let me hold him. i was the only one who got to hold him that day and i was instantaneously overwhelmed with love. my perception of perfection was changed forever -- because in spite of his malformed hands and limbs, he was the most perfect baby i'd ever held with the most pure spirit i'd ever felt. heaven was in my arms, and it was so very sweet. i wish i could relive that moment over and over again. it's one of my very favorite moments of my whole life.

that day then moved into fast-forward with many tests, assessments, transfers, and yadda yadda yadda (translation: i'll go into all of that later). looking back on it now, i'm so grateful for all of our family members and friends who were there for us that day. it was so special having both of my parents there, and both of M's parents and brother there as well...and our girls who came in the room very soon after Max was born. i am so grateful for all of the love and support we felt when he was born, and when he survived. it's like i could feel you all celebrating with us, and that meant so much, and continues to mean so much to me. it was a miraculous day - one that i feel so privileged to have been part of.

xoxo

mighty Max.

{foreword: this post is pretty much the reason i have become so behind on my blog; it has been on the forefront of my mind, and yet has been something that i hadn't been ready to really publicize to the world until now. but i think it's time to share what's truly been in my heart and on my mind. so thank you for allowing me to indulge for a minute...or 30}

 one exciting thing that i left out of our November Wedding Week extravaganza posts was that we found out the gender of our third lil baby. we had heard about a place in Southern Cal that did Gender Ultrasounds for $25-- and since we were going to be with my family when i should have had my 20 week ultrasound, we decided it'd be fun to find out and surprise everyone when we got there.

we had both girls with us- and were both totally surprised, overwhelmed and overjoyed to find out we are having a baby boy! it was an awesome moment for us- because we truly were expecting to have another girl. it was also super duper fun to have all of my family/siblings together to share the fun news with. i loved hearing my dad say to me over and over, "i can't believe you're having a boy. that's just so awesome!" i mean, you can't blame the guy for being so happy, having endured a world of girliness for a verrry long time, with having only his oldest child being a boy, then two girls...and four granddaughters.... yes the estrogen levels have been very high for quite some time.

the day before Thanskgiving, we went in for our regular 20 week ultrasound with my own OB. i was really 22 or 23 weeks by this point-- and we were anxious to have the gender confirmed and hear that everything was happy and healthy with our lil man.

the good news: we were in fact having a boy!
the bad news: things weren't all happy and healthy.

we could tell right away that something was wrong. the tech was very quiet, in moments that she should have been reassuring and upbeat. she wouldn't give us any confirmation either way, and just relayed the fact that the doctor would be in to talk with us shortly.

it sounded very ominous.

finally the Dr. Trainer came in to talk with us. he seemed somber -- immediately asking me why i hadn't had genetic testing done at 16 weeks. i told him that we had previously had two very healthy pregnancies and babies, and were firm in our conviction that no matter the outcome of any genetic testing, we'd keep the baby; so to us, genetic testing wasn't essential.

he looked somewhat relieved and commented that it would make what he had to tell us far less difficult and rushed, knowing that we weren't considering terminating the pregnancy.

my heart sunk to my toes. honestly, most of what was said after that sounded very muffled and unreal.

he began to explain the defects that he had noticed in our little guy; basically he is missing the radial bone in his forearms. this has caused his hands so they haven't developed properly and look malformed/curled in. he will likely never have any function in his hands. they also noticed that one of the ventricles of his heart looked smaller than the other- and were concerned about the condition of his heart. finally, they noticed abnormality in his brain, as the Cravum Septum Pellucidum appeared missing. he told us that it would take time and research to make a clear diagnosis on what was going on with our baby, but that it looked like Holt-Oram Syndrome. at the time, i had never heard of such a disorder. and hot tears streamed down my face. this couldn't be happening.

the dr. was kind, but honest. he told us how sorry he was that he couldn't offer us better information/news about the baby. but he also assured us that he would give us the best care possible. 

they gave us a list of appointments we needed to make; it felt long. we wouldn't know answers for a long time because a lot of the appointments wouldn't happen until the beginning of the year-- it all felt so uncertain and unreal.

M was my hero throughout the whole thing. he was calm, composed, and asked very insightful questions-- when all i could do was cry. he held my hand- and when the dr. and tech finally left to give us a minute to process it all,  he just hugged me and we cried together.

in those first few hours, we of course were very overwhelmed and sad. we both felt numb. we sat there in the car for a long time not really saying anything. and then, even though the tears were still there, we both felt so much comfort and peace. it was like heaven was two feet from us. we could touch it. i think M would tell you the same thing; we felt like we already knew this little guy. we both already loved him so so much, and just wanted to hug and hold him. and most importantly, we felt that God knows us. He knows our family and our children and our struggles. He knows the challenges this little boy will face. and He will help us know how to plow through them, together, and that we will all be so much closer, especially to Him because of it.

the months since that initial appointment have continued to be a roller-coaster of emotions.  we have felt sad knowing of all the challenges and struggles that our lil guy will undergo, especially as we have had more appointments and seen more clearly his little arms and hands, which are quite deformed. it is heart-breaking to see and difficult not to think about things that he will miss out on. we have felt overwhelmed, knowing that we have no idea what his quality of life will be like because of all of the abnormalities in his brain-- and we have wondered if we'll be strong enough for him. we've been worried about our girls, and how this will affect them and their little lives. we have been stressed, wondering what in the world this journey is going to be like (since we really haven't had that many answers).

but, when those insecure moments of doubt and frustration and despair creep in, i can't help but think of this:

i think when things like this happen, you really have two choices: you can either turn away from God, wondering how in the world He could do something like this to you, or you can cling to Him and the things you know are true- and therefore feel Him cling tighter to you.

for me, the only thing i can do is cling to Him, because this feels far too helpless not to. and as we've done that, the blessings have been incredible. i have felt more compassion for others- knowing that i have no idea what anyone is going through or carrying as their burden. it has made me be more sensitive and loving-- probably like i should have always been. i have also felt more gratitude for my blessings;  both our girls are so sweet and healthy-- things i have previously taken for granted, but i realize are such incredible blessings. and M is the most incredible companion to have by my side in such a stressful time-- he calms me and reassures me that we can and will do this together- but it's ok to be sad sometimes. and more than anything else, i feel God's love pouring over us through His children; i have never felt the power of other people's prayers on behalf of myself the way i have over these last couple of months. we have had peace and comfort in a lot of uncertainty, and i know it's because of the power of fasting and prayers made on our behalf. i have never seen and felt so many people, who have truly been my angels, pour out such an immense amount of love over me and my little family; from phone calls, emails, baked bread, anonymous gifts, texts, dinners, flowers, treats, and cards-- all offering support and comfort in this difficult time. the kindness and goodness of others truly amazes and inspires me.

now i know that this is just the beginning. we have barely scratched the surface of what life will be like with our lil man. but with clinging to Heavenly Father has come the overwhelming impression that bringing this lil guy into the world is and will continue to be a huge blessing to my family. even though his challenges may sadden me at times, it is not a horrible thing; because it is a blessing and privilege to bring a special spirit into the world. and when i start getting burdened by all of the hardships that could and might be-- i think of some advice that was given to me early on-- which as truly helped me: "Try not to think of the 'what-if' scenarios. They will just drive you nuts." and my mom has added to this advice by always telling me, "just take it one day at a time-- and it will all work out. it always does." and so that's what we're trying to do. take it one day at a time.

afterword: 
normally, coming up with names for our kids has been a long, daunting process. but for some reason, when we found out it was a boy, the name Max came up. i really liked the name Maxwell. M really liked the name Maximillian or Maximus. so we looked up name meanings; Maxwell means "capable" and Maximillian and Maximus both mean "the greatest." the whole time we were in Southern Cal for Wedding Week, M would joke with me, "why in the world would i have a capable son when i can have the greatest son?" it was pretty hard to argue, i'll tell you what. 
now once we know about this lil guy's struggles, we know that he truly will be the greatest. we haven't decided 100% between Maximus/Maximillian- but we do know that he is Max-- and that he will be one of our families' greatest blessings. what a little fighter Mr. Mighty Max must already be.

xoxo