oh, how i've missed you.

the entire summer went by without a single blog post. and being behind then, this means that the last 6 months of my life and my family's life has gone unblogged. i confess: it has been intentional. don't get me wrong, i've missed the writing. i've missed my blog a lot. writing is therapeutic and calming to me. it is a place where i feel like my true voice lives and i love it. writing is like coming home- it is one of my favorite things.

but i haven't wanted to share my voice. not even a little bit. i have wanted to hide under blankets and run from computers. i have dropped off the face of the earth from almost all social media....all but Instagram. i don't read blogs, i hardly check Facebook, i barely do Pinterest ... not because i am so noble and using my time so wisely, but truthfully it has been because i have just needed desperately to have a moment of privacy. i have needed time to collect myself. and to reinvent myself- because the old me is gone.

 i miss her. alot. the girl who used to be so silly and free. the girl who got worried about things like crumbs on my floor and which shampoo is the best for curly hair. i miss that girl who wasn't afraid to feel vulnerable or uninhibited. the one who went about things with a simple naivety. but i'll never be her again.

 i think that's ok though. it's not that i want to be her again. it's just that i am trying to learn how to be someone new in my same life that was before. the life that will always be missing something. it's a painful reality - one that you can try to ignore (and succeed sometimes) but which also unpredictably punches you in the face.

the last 6 months have been the biggest roller coaster of my life- and it's still going. everyone says that all you need is time- but i think that's just something people say because it's something to say- because in some ways, time has made it more difficult. as we get further away, we realize how coddled and carried we had been by Heavenly Father, and by so many wonderful people. but you can't live like that forever. life propels itself forward, as it should! people get busy. life gets busy. and you are left with this big-heap-of-whatever to deal with- and no one can deal with it but you. And so now we are challenged to stand on our own feet, dealing with our big-ole-whatever-heap, and it's just an incredible experience. so challenging.

the bottom line is this: i'm as broken hearted over losing Max today as i was then. some days are debilitatingly hard. others slip through my fingers like the breeze and i feel ok.

and now here i am, in a mess of sticky tears down my cheeks and hands and keyboard. and i remember why this is so hard. every time i have sat down to blog again (and it has been many, many times) i start and end almost as quick as i do because it is reliving things that are painful and sad. and i think i have just wanted to avoid any extra sadness and pain. i think i have needed to avoid the extra sadness and pain.

until today. today i am ready to open up and share again. today i am ready to tell you about where we've been, where we are and where we are going.

so if anyone is still out there, i'm back. a new me, but i'm here...and i'm here to stay.

oh, how i've missed you.

more to come soon.

xoxo