Friday, June 7, 2013

oh, how i've missed you.


the entire summer went by without a single blog post. and being behind then, this means that the last 6 months of my life and my family's life has gone unblogged. i confess: it has been intentional. don't get me wrong, i've missed the writing. i've missed my blog a lot. writing is therapeutic and calming to me. it is a place where i feel like my true voice lives and i love it. writing is like coming home- it is one of my favorite things.

but i haven't wanted to share my voice. not even a little bit. i have wanted to hide under blankets and run from computers. i have dropped off the face of the earth from almost all social media....all but Instagram. i don't read blogs, i hardly check Facebook, i barely do Pinterest ... not because i am so noble and using my time so wisely, but truthfully it has been because i have just needed desperately to have a moment of privacy. i have needed time to collect myself. and to reinvent myself- because the old me is gone.

 i miss her. alot. the girl who used to be so silly and free. the girl who got worried about things like crumbs on my floor and which shampoo is the best for curly hair. i miss that girl who wasn't afraid to feel vulnerable or uninhibited. the one who went about things with a simple naivety. but i'll never be her again.

 i think that's ok though. it's not that i want to be her again. it's just that i am trying to learn how to be someone new in my same life that was before. the life that will always be missing something. it's a painful reality - one that you can try to ignore (and succeed sometimes) but which also unpredictably punches you in the face.

the last 6 months have been the biggest roller coaster of my life- and it's still going. everyone says that all you need is time- but i think that's just something people say because it's something to say- because in some ways, time has made it more difficult. as we get further away, we realize how coddled and carried we had been by Heavenly Father, and by so many wonderful people. but you can't live like that forever. life propels itself forward, as it should! people get busy. life gets busy. and you are left with this big-heap-of-whatever to deal with- and no one can deal with it but you. And so now we are challenged to stand on our own feet, dealing with our big-ole-whatever-heap, and it's just an incredible experience. so challenging.

the bottom line is this: i'm as broken hearted over losing Max today as i was then. some days are debilitatingly hard. others slip through my fingers like the breeze and i feel ok.

and now here i am, in a mess of sticky tears down my cheeks and hands and keyboard. and i remember why this is so hard. every time i have sat down to blog again (and it has been many, many times) i start and end almost as quick as i do because it is reliving things that are painful and sad. and i think i have just wanted to avoid any extra sadness and pain. i think i have needed to avoid the extra sadness and pain.

until today. today i am ready to open up and share again. today i am ready to tell you about where we've been, where we are and where we are going.

so if anyone is still out there, i'm back. a new me, but i'm here...and i'm here to stay.

oh, how i've missed you.

more to come soon.

xoxo

26 comments:

Coco said...

Oh my heart... I've been thinking of you. I haven't commented here before but your story of Max and his life touched me. You're right, you're different now. And it's not a bad different but I'm sure you wish you didn't have to go through what you did to get there. Be kind and gentle to yourself. We're here. We're reading. And if you ever want to talk about Max, we'll be listening. I won't soon forget him or his story. What a brave little soul, that Max :)

Jenny said...

welcome back, friend. I have missed your inspired words in the blogosphere.

Elyse Beard said...

I've sure missed you on here. You always make me want to be better. love you

Kristi said...

So glad you're back. I've missed reading your blog posts.

Rachel said...

Missed ya!

Rachel said...
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Liz said...

Oh how I've missed your writing. Welcome back my friend.

Torrie and the girls said...

Welcome back, we hope that our support can be of some small help, you're still in our prayers.

Jana Weaver said...

So glad you're back. I've been worried about you and think about you and your family. Keep leaning on Heavenly Father. So grateful we have the knowledge that life and family are forever.

Hilary said...

I've missed you dear friend! I think of you often. Love you!

The Happy Howes said...

Welcome back! Your posts are always such an inspiration to me, thank you for sharing your world with us. We're always thinking about you. Love you.

Tara T said...

Oh how I wish I could write beautifully like you. Even if it is about something hard. I'm excited youre back and look forward to your updates, cause thats how I keep in touch with all my NorCal friends (and instagram) :)

Ashley Myntti said...

I've missed you sweet Marci! I often wish that we could sit on our cement wall and have a wonderful conversation like we used to. Love you!!!

Amy W said...

This post is so real and beautifully articulated. Its not fair that life just moves on...
Thanks for sharing your words. You and your sweet Max have been in my thoughts.

Tiffany said...

I've missed your blog too, like so many others...I am glad you are back. Even though so much time as passed, I still think of you very often and keep you in my prayers....love you, friend xoxo

Shannon Quinn said...

You and your family have been in my thoughts and prayers. You have a way with words and your posts are an inspiration. I've missed them and I'm glad you are back.

Kelli Marshall said...

we've missed you marce. love you to pieces.

Russell and Mikelle said...

Marci
I have missed hearing you! You inspire me so much. You are amazing! I'm so glad you are back :)

Savannah said...

You have a beautiful soul. I'm always inspired by you and your words. Glad to have a fresh batch of them. xoxo.

Savannah said...

You have a beautiful soul. I'm always inspired by you and your words. Glad to have a fresh batch of them. xoxo.

Ashley said...

I've missed you...like, a lot.

Bryan and Christy Clark said...

A very close, dear friend of mine told me to read your blog. Sara Morey. I just lost my beautiful 13 month old baby girl on Saurday and I have needed to read others experiences of how to handle this. I am laying in bed, unable to move and feel like anxiety and sadness is running through my veins. I don't want to face this new life without her. Knowing you have survived for 6 months, even if you only just survived, is helpful. If someone could die of heartbreak I think I could. Thank you for keeping up a blog.

Joe, Amber, Ken and Ellie said...

You are amazing. I read this and can't help but love you and wish we'd stayed closer as friends. Merry Christmas, cute mama!

Bethy L said...

Can I just hug you? We love you and I really think about you all the time and thank you for putting one foot in front of the other. You are amazing and that's all you need to do!!

Phil said...
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erin said...

love reading your writing. happy or sad. you're a terrific, honest writer.