remembering Max

this morning i woke up with my contacts in my eyes....like i do lots of mornings these days. i know it sounds silly, but i haven't wanted to take them out since everything has happened. because those are the eyes i saw Max with. and taking them out and letting them go just seemed so final.

 but this morning, they were just too blurry and salty from too many tears. and so i took them out and watched them wash down the drain. i cried, but my eyes weren't protected anymore. they were bare and exposed, and have been that way all day. i'm not ready to put on new eyes yet. ones that haven't seen Max. because that just seems too final, too.

 

and i guess that brings me to why i am here, and why i haven't been here for a while. because i guess writing the posts that talk about his life in the past tense makes it all feel far too final as well...and i haven't been ready to feel that. and even though i'm still not all the way ready, it is my reality. Max lived. and Max died. there's no point in avoiding it.

today marks one month since Max passed away. in fact, it has been exactly one month to the hour. i think about him all the time, but today i have thought about him every minute. i can feel myself there in that hospital room, laying my head on his little bed. that was my favorite. i can smell his perfect, sweet newborn smell. i can see his wise eyes staring up at me, as if to memorize my face the way i was trying to memorize his. it's like i am there. i wish i were there.

i realize i am getting ahead of myself -- i haven't even told about how he came, how he survived against crazy odds, and how he lived. those days were beautiful days, full of emotion of all varieties. and so that is what i intend to do next -- tell you about our journey. because it has been the most beautiful one of my entire life.

and so this week, i'll be remembering Max with you. because you've been there through it all, and that really means so very much. love you, my beautiful cyber-world.

xoxo