Monday, March 25, 2013

i have been changed for good.

two weeks ago my life changed forever.

can it really have been two weeks already? or has it only been two weeks since everything happened? time is such a strange thing, isn't it?

it has been two weeks since our baby boy, Maximus Michael Chapman was born. the thing we'd been dreaming about, praying over, and preparing for was finally here. Max survived childbirth, in spite of his many challenges. he was perfect. when they finally placed him in my arms for the first time, i closed my eyes and couldn't open them. i had never had someone so heavenly in my presence, and i didn't want to let go. that would be the theme for the rest of his little life: i never wanted to let go. i still never want to let go.


Max returned peacefully to our Heavenly Father on Friday afternoon (March 15) while laying in my arms. it makes me emotional to type those words; my little heart breaks all over again any time i realize that Max is no longer with us. four days of life is just too short, isn't it? but then i remember what a gift those four days truly were, and i feel blessed and grateful and overwhelmed with love. we are in God's hands - and Max is too.


i don't have time (or the emotional strength) to write everything that has occurred before, during and since then just yet. it feels like a foggy haze in some ways. and in others, everything is crystal clear - like watching a movie full of beautiful imagery, precious moments and scenes full of emotions of all varieties. but i promise to come back and write the details of it all soon -- it's all too beautiful to go unremembered.  until then, know that we are ok. Max was and continues to be a gift to our family. i miss him terribly! but we are being flooded with kindnesses and love; so much so, that its hard to stay sad for too long. i am so incredibly thankful for all of the service and prayers offered on our behalf. we continue to feel them lifting us up. what an incredible blessing. thank you, from the bottom of my heart. 

 and then there is the knowledge i have, through the gospel of Jesus Christ, that i'll get to hug and love on my sweet boy with my eternal family again someday. never before has that truth meant more to me. it surrounds me with peace and comfort...and an overwhelming appreciation for my Savior and His magnificent atonement that makes our eternal existence possible. we'll be together again -- we'll see each other again -- we'll hug and love on each other again -- isn't that truly amazing?


i just love our sweet Max, always and forever. because i knew him, i have been changed for good.


xoxo

*a big thank you to my beautiful friend Denae for taking some priceless pictures of my family together (photos 2 & 4, and many more to come)

27 comments:

Becca said...

Love this! I'm glad you have an awesome blog to document all of this. I get all teary eyed when I think of sweet max. So glad that you got to have a little time with him here until you see him again in the next life. Love you guys! Love reading your thoughts!

Jana Weaver said...

I've been thinking of you and your family so much the past little while. Thank you for your willingness to share so much. You are such a wonderful example to me.

Torrie and the girls said...

Thank you again and again for sharing such tender moments with the rest of us. Your sweet little family keeps popping up in my thoughts. Knowing that families are forever is such a comfort!!! It will be awesome to see him on the other side. He has a spirit way too big and amazing for that precious little body. We love you guys and you'll continue to be in our prayers.

Tiffany said...

You are such a strong and amazing person, Marci...I'm sure its hard to share such personal thoughts and feelings with the public, but I hope you realize that in doing so you've strengthened others testimonies and touched their hearts. I know I have felt that way when I have read about your experience with Max and felt of your faith and testimony through it all...so thank you. These pictures of you and Max are just the sweetest...I can just see your love for him and it melts me...there's no greater love than between a mother and her children. Max is so lucky to have you as his mom and I'm so happy that you'll get to be with him again someday. You and your family continue to be in our thoughts and prayers...xoxo

Brandon and Lindsey said...

Marci my life has been forever changed because of the spirit I have felt and still feel from you and your family. I thought of you and your family in the temple this past week and I could feel your Max's spirit and know that he will forever be with you. You are truly a blessed family and mamma! Loves to you and your family. Thanks for sharing something so dear with all of us.

April J. said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
April J. said...

As always your words are beautiful and you are so inspiring, you are real and have such a wonderful testimony of the gospel. Even through the tears you exude that strength and love for our Savior. As virtually a stranger to you, know that you and Max have touched our family's life and we have spent many evenings in family prayer for you and your sweet family.

Happiness is... said...

Thank you for your beautiful words of wisdom and love. Your faith is so powerful and strong. You have courage and strength beyond that which I could ever have, but that I desire!
Thank you for your testimony. It strengthens mine each time I read any of your posts.
We love you and are praying continually for you! Take care.

Amber Jenks said...

I love and adore you Marci, and reading your words feels my heart with peace. Thank you so much for sharing perfect Max with us. He and your cute little family are an inspiration to all.

Steph & Tony said...

Thank you for this Marci. You continue to amaze me with your strength and faith. I wish I could give you a big hug right now to thank you for being such an inspiration to me. Thank you.

Liz said...

My personal testimony has been so strengthened by your sweet words. My life has been forever changed. Thank you so sharing your tender mercies and feelings. I love you and hope someday I can be like you. We continue to love and pray for your family. Families are Forever.

Kristy and Dave said...

Marci - your strength and faith is so incredibly inspiring to me. I have thought about you everyday since I first learned about Max, and I am continually amazed by your endurance. It kills me that people like you have to go through something so difficult. Please know, though, that you and Max have taught so many people so much (myself included) and I am so grateful to you for that. I've always looked up to you but your example throughout this has thrown my admiration for you off the charts. If there is ever anything I can do for you, please please let me know.

Elyse Beard said...

Oh Marce. I fall in love with Max more and more with every picture I see. What a special boy to a special family. We love you guys, and look up to you so much. Your strength and max's little life has influenced me so so much. What an amazing blessing he is!

Love you!

angie said...

Beautiful post, and a perfect and handsome little boy! You guys are awesome and we love you. Eternal families are such a blessing... I can't wait to meet Mighty Max one day! Our prayers are with you. ❤

Dave, Cadance and Family said...

You are your family have been in my thoughts and prayers!!

Monica said...

Prayers and more prayers, Marci. What a beautiful tribute to your precious son. Thank you for letting us be a part of it. He has changed SO many lives beyond just your family's, thanks to your openness.

Waltman said...

Marci,
What a beautiful way to put a small part of this experience into words. You're beyond inspiring. I keep looking at that family picture of you at the cemetary (one on instagram) and you look so brave, and faithful. Something about that picute puts an image to what you've just said. You've always been amazing, but now even more so because of this experience. I really feel so lucky to have you as a friend and know I will continue to learn so much from you. Lots of love!

Dionne said...

Marce,

I just got onto your blog after many many months of not checking all of my friend-blogs . . . I just want to say thank you for writing your experience. Your strength and courage is amazing. We sure love you all.

XOXO, Dionne

Jessica said...

I was in tears reading this. I saw an update yesterday but didn't know what to say. My heart breaks for you and your family and the emotional and physical challenges you've gone through. I wish you could have held your sweet baby in your arms longer than 4 days. You have such a positive and optimistic outlook on life. You and your family deserve the best. My thoughts and prayers are with you all. <3 Jessica

carrie said...

Your family is such a sweet example of love. Our family is thinking about you and I am holding my kiddos closer than ever.

Faye said...

Know that you and your family have changed our lives for good as well. Thank you for being such an incredible example of faith, love, kindness. The way you continue to reach out and think about others during this difficult time is truly amazing. Love and prayers still going out to you and all your family.

Amy W said...

Oh Marci... I just want you to know that I have been thinking of you. Thank you for sharing this post. Max is so beautiful and your love is felt through your words and pictures. I am inspired by your strength. Sending big hugs and sharing tears.

Mat and Brooke said...

So touched by all of the thoughts and feelings you have shared with us, Marci. Experiences like these don't come along very often--the type that make you wonder if your heart might really break. The kind that are impossible to fathom if you haven't been there yourself. The kind that drive you to the absolute edge of your faith. You have demonstrated such faith and courage through your trials, and I admire you so much for it. I love you to the moon and back, Marce. On the forefront of my mind is where you'll be, friend.

Marci Joy said...

Still thinking about you Marci. Love to you and your family. Love, the other Marci

Rachel said...

Thinking about you a lot. You are an amazing person. You have an amazing family. I am so grateful that you shared such personal information. It has strengthened my testimony. I don't know you well, but I love ya! And your sweet family. You are in my prayers. Hooray for the gospel! I hope it truly comforts you.

Scott & Christie Lamb said...

Dearing Marci! I just want you to know how much I love you and admire you for having such an amazing attitude and strenghth through such a difficult time. Little Max is so very lucky to have been in your arms and here are this earth for such a short time. I am so grateful too to know that you will see him again. I love you! Hang in there and until then just remember Maximus is watching over you and loves you as much as you love him!

Sasha Tenorio said...

Marci,

I am in tears. I've only met you couple of times through Sarah. The last time I saw you was when we went to witches night out.

Your family is so beautiful...
I don't even know what to say... except, I know that Max was so so special that he didn't have to go through this world to reach his celestial glory.
And he is so special and so lucky to have you as his momma.

And I am incredibly touched and inspired like many of your family and friends. Your strength is remarkable.

I honestly feel like you are so incredibly gifted in many ways, but especially with your words. You are so eloquent. I am so happy that you documented this beautiful yet difficult time you and your family are going through. Your words have touched me and so many other people. I know that I am already a little bit a better mother because I read this post.

You are an incredible example, Marci.


I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

xx