i woke up this morning feeling a little less funky than i have been on previous mornings. which is odd because today's agenda included my least favorite chores: mopping the floors and...laundry. and who am i kidding? picking up my whole tornado of a house. i'm sitting here with a pit in my stomach wondering when i will ever have this homemaker thing figured out so i'm not always living in recovery mode-- the mode of putting things away while four grubby (but cute) hands and and four fast and furious feet follow quickly behind me undoing everything i've just done. sigh. still in spite of that stomach pit, i'm feeling a little more optimistic about things today.
i realize i've been falling in that all-too-familiar rut of comparing myself to others. which inevitably makes me feel bad about myself, and insecure about my abilities and state of life.
her kids are dressed so cute all the time.
their house is always clean.
her clothes are soooo cute.
that 3 year old has such awesome manners. shoot.
and that 3 year old never melts down.
and that 3 year old actually listens to their mom.
their car is so big and convenient. and is clean. meaning there aren't crumbs in every minuscule crevice.
her hair is NEVER frizzy.
the other 10 month old babies are snugglers.
they have a beautiful front yard.
she is so stinkin' crafty.
they get to live close to their families.
yadda yadda yadda.
i'm ashamed to call each and every one of these thoughts my own.
such worldly thoughts.
as if someone's possessions, gifts, and/or talents somehow diminish my worth. what the? i should celebrate their successes and happinesses. wouldn't i want them to do the same for me? instead of feeling discouraged anytime anything goes my way? i should be inspired. not discouraged.
i mean, most of those thoughts have to do with things i have or don't have. or just things for that matter. and things aren't the things that matter. people are the things that matter. love is the thing that matters.
and it's hard to feel love when you're worried about keeping up with the Jones's. or the whoevers.
i realize that if i need to worry about keeping up with anyone, it's keeping up with my girls.
and that's what's cured me.
disconnecting from the junk that's been pulling me down.
taking a little time off from the distractions.
and putting more time with the ones that matter most.
being a mom is hard work.
heck. being a woman is hard work.
making meals, morning, half morning, noon, afternoon, night...
doing dishes all day long...
wiping bums...while one of them does impressive aerodynamics to resist you...and while the other one yells for you a hundred times "i'm DONE! I'M ALL DONE!!!" and you're trying to get there as fast as you can but the timer just beeped and you need to take the chicken out of the oven...
keeping things picked up and organized...
disciplining naughty behavior...consistently...even when you don't want to...
kissing boo boos and giving bandaids and hugs liberally...
doing the errands while keeping everyone semi-happy...
and sometimes throwing it all out the window, all in the name of TLC and playtime, even on days that you're operating on little or no sleep.
i mean it's no wonder sometimes you feel like you need a little break from the chaos.
i have to confess:
i'll take the smudgy fingerprints on my glass doors.
and the spilled goldfish on my carpet.
i'll wipe the bum for the hundredth time that day. even if i JUST changed that diaper. or she JUST went potty 3 minutes ago.
i'll even take the tears.
because i know that around the corner from those tears is a big hug and a sweet nuzzle.
the nuzzle that makes me feel warm. and whole.
and i know i'd feel completely empty without the chaos.
i am chaos right now.
and that's ok.
the truth of it is i really wouldn't trade my job for a fancy orderly house, lovely clothes, a flashy car, or even a million billion dollars. seeing these little girls grow and learn truly makes me feel like the richest lady in the world.
with them in my life, i have all i need.
because i'm a mom.
and i'm beyond blessed.