almost defeated.

 and no, i'm not talking about BYU and Jimmerica.
because we weren't almost defeated.
we were defeated.
in a bad way.
it was sad. i'm still sorta sad.
and M, well, he pretty much wishes he was married to Jimmer so he feels like he's going through a terrible break-up right now. poor guy.
anyway, let's get to the real substance of this post.

my mom and her siblings are very close.
i attribute my understanding of Spanish to the countless hours of my mom jabbering at an impressive rate to one of her 7 siblings on that green phone with the longest chord to ever exist. my poor dad had several near-death heart attacks seeing those long-distance phone bills. this was something they definitely did NOT see eye to eye about.
to one of her sisters, i have often heard my mom ask the following phrase :
"are you winning?"
one day i asked her what the heck that meant.
"winning what?," i asked.
and quite frankly i don't really remember the answer she gave me. i just know that "winning" basically means that you're surviving. that you're going to make it. that the adversary hasn't gotten you down. that in the race of life may be going by really, really fast...but you're keeping up...maybe even one or two steps ahead. that Satan hasn't gotten the best of you.
losing is obviously the opposite of all of those things.
(mom, am i getting this right?)

anyway, the last few days have been hard. really hard. i have definitely NOT been winning.
i've felt like i tripped somewhere and someone was stepping on my face.
and then to add to that, it started raining. hard. and got mud all over the place. ick.

translation: i just haven't been good at my job.
my job of being a mom.
(far too many tears lately. sicknesses. and time outs)
my job of being a homemaker.
(my house is a perpetual mess, i just found a box of brown sugar in my fridge, and two nights ago i saw a rat running through the garage (A RAT! yes, you read that correctly. A RAT! i thought rats only dwelt in nasty places. does that mean my house is nasty???)).
my job of being a wife.
(i can't seem to remember to put the toilet paper roll facing up instead of down, among other things.)

all i want is a little PTO.
(paid time off. vacation. from my jobs. all of them).
who do i call about that?
i remember when i was young i used to think, being a stay-at-home-mom is going to be so easy. i'm going to be so good at it. i can't wait to decorate my house. i can't wait to have my own kids. i'm going to have so much fun with them all the time.
we're so cute and naive when we're young, aren't we?

so at my moment of despair...where i was just about to make my final declaration, with a big fat L on the top of my head: "i'm not winning. i'm the loser of this race" i had to go to the store.
it was pouring rain.
and when i saw pouring, i mean that i stepped outside and was soaked.
how could i let myself run out of diapers in conditions like this?
because i stink at my jobs.
(adversary thoughts creeping their way in).
so we bundled up. and braved the storm.
(huh, maybe this is why my kids are so sick?)

once we had quickly picked up our things, there was luckily a break in the weather for a few minutes.
so i rushed the kids back into the car and started putting my groceries in the trunk.
well, on that errand i happened to be parked next to a mom and her little 3 or 4 year old boy.
now, please don't misread what i'm about to say.
because i was not judging this poor woman.
i know that life happens.
and toddlers can be frustrating.
i've experienced several melt-downs with Ellie at the store.
it's horrible.
but what i heard come out of her mouth was nothing short of appalling.
she screamed her brains out to this poor little boy.
i'm not sure what he did or didn't do.
i have no idea what she was going through or what kind of day she'd had.
but after a few smack-downs, and more than a few profane words were spoken, the little guy broke down into sobs and started screaming back at her.
and there they were, an adult and a child screaming their brains out at each other.
i finished putting my groceries in the car. it started to rain again.
i got in the car and looked at Ellie and Alice.
i told them i loved them.
and i wondered if that woman and that little boy would be ok.
i felt sad for both of them.
i'm sure they love each other so much.
but at that moment of anger and tempers, it would definitely be hard to feel love.

i looked back at Ellie again who was holding a little bag of candy that we had picked out for her at the store (sick kids get whatever they want).
and i wanted more than anything for her to know how much i love her.

does she know?
does she know how much she means to me?
does she know how precious she really is?

i told her i loved her again.
and asked her if she knew that i loved her.
"i sure do, Mama," she said.
and instantly my heart felt full.
because i knew she knew.
i know she knows.
and even if we have spent lots of moments in time-outs this week,
even if we've had ear infections, pink-eye & allergies to meds that i should know about,
and even if my house is a disaster with rats in the garage,
if my kids know that i love them their whole lives through,
i will have done my job.

and Satan almost let me feel defeated.
i am winning, you sly little snake.
try a little harder next time.

xoxo