Tuesday, May 22, 2012

some holgas and motherhood on my mind.

motherhood. it's been on my mind lately.

what an incredibly overwhelming and divine responsibility God gives his daughters to be mothers.
sometimes i think i'm going to have to go into the loony bin with this job. my girls have a way of giving me gray hairs and making me nervous and paranoid and frustrated and worried, and laugh and smile and dance and feel overcome with joy and love all at the same time. i mean only loony-bin people feel all of those feelings at one time, right?

i look into the eyes of these little girls and i realize that while sometimes i feel like they are mine, they are really His. and i just get a little moment in my forever to be their Mama in this way; to teach them, kiss away their bonks and bruises, wipe their tears (even the fake ones), pretend to be a cashier selling princesses for the thousandth time that day (what i am currently doing in between typing sentences), and make them feel loved- that they are important and of infinite worth. it's a daunting task sometimes. like, how do i make sure that they know? how can i be all that they need me to be, and give them all that they need, to make sure that they're safe yet be able to let go someday, not so far away? sometimes i feel like i dont' have an ounce left to give, and then little arms come and envelope me in a warm hug and a wet kiss. how am i ever going to live without these tiny fingers and toes freely giving me hugs and kisses all day every day? sure, the messes are exhausting, and most days 5 pm hits and i wonder if i am going to make it. "can someone else just make dinner tonight?," often goes through my mind...especially when i think about the little voices saying "i don't like it!" after i just slaved in the kitchen for an hour. but all of that seems so futile when i sit there reading stories to them, when Alice lets me hold her and rock her to sleep, when Ellie comes and gives me a note which she says reads, "i love you Marci. (yes she still calls me Marci sometimes) and i really love your kisses," or when they choose to sit at my feet and play (instead of anywhere else in the house) while i update my blog.

i guess one of the things i love most about being a mom is the feeling of being loved back...and so freely by these little ones. i remember wondering if i'd ever feel that way when Ellie was a screaming infant. it felt as though the crying would never end, and that i would always feel inadequate as a mom, and i wondered if i'd ever be good enough for her. but the screaming did end, and while the inadequate feelings never really go away, that feeling of being needed and adored and simply loved by your children is just one of the most elevating and endearing feelings i have ever experienced. in all honestly, i feel unworthy of their purity sometimes. how did i get so blessed? i just don't know. but it's that pure love that keeps me keeping on! it's that pure love that gives my life so much meaning and purpose. and it's that pure love that is helping me look at my reflection in the mirror and realize that i can't wait to see when and how our family will continue to grow someday. hopefully someday soon.

for now, i'm so grateful for my little loves.


they make my world go round.



Brandon J. Carver said...

What a beautiful blog post! You and your children are so lucky to have each other. Nothing makes me happier than good parenting - it's hard to find these days!

Kristi said...

Very beautifully written. Well said.

Megan said...

your posts in motherhood are always inspiring because you are able to eloquently write what most of us are thinking! you're a great mother!

Allie said...

You should get on that last thing you were talking about. Your girls so love you back. During sharing time, Ellie always turns to me and says "where is my mom?" I usually point you out in the back and she smiles and waves (even if you don't notice) like she is the luckiest kid alive. She might be.