Thursday, December 11, 2008
6 months ago today...
it was warm. very warm.
the sky was blue- very blue- hardly a cloud to be seen.
i was huge. very huge.
and nervous. very nervous.
it was a week past my due date.
which felt like a year past my due date.
it was one of those weeks that i'd feel super excited and giddy, then super frustrated and uncomfortable, then super stressed and inadequate all within minutes of each other.
my baby was coming.
i was going to finally meet this little person that sat so snug inside of me all of those months.
would she like me?
would i be ready?
what if they were wrong and i wasn't having a girl?
did we have everything we needed?
but all of that didn't matter because the inevitable was just around the corner.
early early that morning (we're talking 2 am) the craziness began. i was admitted to the hospital after some procedures... they were monitoring E's heart-rate...and it was so fast, they wanted to keep a close check on it. i like to think she was nervous, too. way too comfortable in my tummy- stretchin it out real good- i'm sure she knew big changes were coming. it's funny for me to think of my little baby now and think of her then staying put for that extra week. it shows me that before she was born, she was already equipped with that strong will that all of us have come to fear and love so much.
back to the story.
i wasn't too happy about being admitted early.
i didn't have my bags.
i hadn't had a shower in 12 whole hours. i wanted to be clean before the blessed event. not that it mattered to anyone but me. call me quirky.
i wanted to sleep in my bed one last night (as if i could've really slept that night).
i was scared by all the beeping noises and monitors- and the stupid iv pulsed every mili second, as if it had its own heartbeat. blasted iv.
but that unhappiness ended quickly as my water broke an hour later...3 am.
scared the bajeezees out of me.
and it made me think:
it would've been super crappy to be laying my head down on my own pillow in my own bed and have my water break...and have that mess to clean up when i got back from the hospital. so i counted my blessings :)
the craziness continued as the contractions began.
oh the pain.
oh the blessed pain.
but surprisingly bearable...until...
the pitocin kicked in.
i remember thinking the following scenario:
"somebody call the police.
this kind of pain should be illegal.
stop it right now.
i'll do anything to stop this pain.
M! I TOLD YOU TO TELL THEM TO STOP THE PAIN."
my best friend who i'd never met walked through the door with a tray and a very long needle.
i instantly loved him.
i may have even told him i loved him.
pain was gone.
feeling in my toes was gone.
feeling almost everywhere was gone.
hours passed by.
mom. dad. sister. brother. sister-in-law. mother-in-law.
my mom cried.
i cried because my mom cried.
(crying is contagious if you're related.)
M was by my side the whole day.
held my hand.
kept me stocked with ice chips.
2:30 pm came.
it had been 12 hours.
it was time to push.
"push?" i thought.
"how the heck is that possible. i can't feel ANYTHING."
but i assure you, it is possible. just lengthy.
an hour passed.
i looked out the window - up into that very clear, very warm, cloudless sky.
i was exhausted.
i didn't know if i could do it anymore.
then i felt this feeling come over me, "you can do this. she's almost here. you were made to do this."
peace came over me.
it was close.
"that wins the loudest cry of the day."
i had to wipe tears from my eyes, and caught myself thinking, "did they hear me cry?" and remembered they were talking about the baby, not me.
doc held her up, she was in fact a SHE.
they weighed her: 8 lbs 9 oz.
they measured her: 21 inches.
big baby, i thought.
aside from looking a little sumo wrestler-ish, she was beautiful.
soo much hair.
such soft skin.
wide, alert eyes.
such little hands.
she was ours.
she was a miracle.
she was perfect.
i felt closer to heaven than i had ever felt in my life.
6 months ago, my waist was expanded 10 sizes...now, my waist has shrunk about 8 of those sizes (last two are the hardest- gee whiz) and my heart has expanded 10 sizes. words don't really do justice to how i feel about this little person that the Lord has blessed us with. she has brought us more joy, more laughter, more tears, and more fulfillment than anything we have ever experienced together. i honestly can't believe how fast it has gone by...she has changed so much. and every day, i catch myself thinking, could i love her anymore than i do today, right this minute? and yet, i do.
sweet ellie bear,
just like on that warm, sunny day you were born, you continue to bless my life with light and warmth. you truly are my sunshine. i love you right up to that big clear sky and back. thanks for being our sweet little queen- can't wait to see what you do next!
love love love,