Thursday, December 11, 2008

6 months ago today...


it was warm. very warm.
the sky was blue- very blue- hardly a cloud to be seen.
i was huge. very huge.
and nervous. very nervous.

it was a week past my due date.
which felt like a year past my due date.
it was one of those weeks that i'd feel super excited and giddy, then super frustrated and uncomfortable, then super stressed and inadequate all within minutes of each other.
my baby was coming.
i was going to finally meet this little person that sat so snug inside of me all of those months.

would she like me?
would i be ready?
what if they were wrong and i wasn't having a girl?
did we have everything we needed?
but all of that didn't matter because the inevitable was just around the corner.

early early that morning (we're talking 2 am) the craziness began. i was admitted to the hospital after some procedures... they were monitoring E's heart-rate...and it was so fast, they wanted to keep a close check on it. i like to think she was nervous, too. way too comfortable in my tummy- stretchin it out real good- i'm sure she knew big changes were coming. it's funny for me to think of my little baby now and think of her then staying put for that extra week. it shows me that before she was born, she was already equipped with that strong will that all of us have come to fear and love so much.

back to the story.

i wasn't too happy about being admitted early.
i didn't have my bags.
i hadn't had a shower in 12 whole hours. i wanted to be clean before the blessed event. not that it mattered to anyone but me. call me quirky.
i wanted to sleep in my bed one last night (as if i could've really slept that night).
i was scared by all the beeping noises and monitors- and the stupid iv pulsed every mili second, as if it had its own heartbeat. blasted iv.

but that unhappiness ended quickly as my water broke an hour later...3 am.
scared the bajeezees out of me.
and it made me think:
it would've been super crappy to be laying my head down on my own pillow in my own bed and have my water break...and have that mess to clean up when i got back from the hospital. so i counted my blessings :)

the craziness continued as the contractions began.
oh the pain.
oh the blessed pain.
but surprisingly bearable...until...

the pitocin kicked in.

i remember thinking the following scenario:
"somebody call the police.
this kind of pain should be illegal.
stop it.
stop it right now.
i'll do anything to stop this pain.
M! I TOLD YOU TO TELL THEM TO STOP THE PAIN."
tears.
more tears.

my best friend who i'd never met walked through the door with a tray and a very long needle.
i instantly loved him.
i may have even told him i loved him.
pain was gone.
feeling in my toes was gone.
feeling almost everywhere was gone.
bliss.

hours passed by.
family came.
mom. dad. sister. brother. sister-in-law. mother-in-law.
my mom cried.
i cried because my mom cried.
(crying is contagious if you're related.)
M was by my side the whole day.
every minute.
held my hand.
kept me stocked with ice chips.

2:30 pm came.
it had been 12 hours.
it was time to push.

"push?" i thought.
"how the heck is that possible. i can't feel ANYTHING."
but i assure you, it is possible. just lengthy.

an hour passed.
i looked out the window - up into that very clear, very warm, cloudless sky.
i was exhausted.
i didn't know if i could do it anymore.
then i felt this feeling come over me, "you can do this. she's almost here. you were made to do this."
peace came over me.
it was close.
very close.

3:39 pm
"that wins the loudest cry of the day."
i had to wipe tears from my eyes, and caught myself thinking, "did they hear me cry?" and remembered they were talking about the baby, not me.
doc held her up, she was in fact a SHE.
they weighed her: 8 lbs 9 oz.
they measured her: 21 inches.
big baby, i thought.


aside from looking a little sumo wrestler-ish, she was beautiful.
soo much hair.
such soft skin.
wide, alert eyes.
such little hands.
wow.
she was ours.
she was a miracle.
she was perfect.
i felt closer to heaven than i had ever felt in my life.


6 months ago, my waist was expanded 10 sizes...now, my waist has shrunk about 8 of those sizes (last two are the hardest- gee whiz) and my heart has expanded 10 sizes. words don't really do justice to how i feel about this little person that the Lord has blessed us with. she has brought us more joy, more laughter, more tears, and more fulfillment than anything we have ever experienced together. i honestly can't believe how fast it has gone by...she has changed so much. and every day, i catch myself thinking, could i love her anymore than i do today, right this minute? and yet, i do.

{taken today}

so, to my 6 month old baby (what the? i have a 6-month old?):

sweet ellie bear,
just like on that warm, sunny day you were born, you continue to bless my life with light and warmth. you truly are my sunshine. i love you right up to that big clear sky and back. thanks for being our sweet little queen- can't wait to see what you do next!

love love love,
your mama.

xoxo

{taken last night}

*p.s. don't forget to comment here to be entered into my holiday blog giveaway. you must comment before midnight on sunday december 14th to enter! no clue what i'm talking about? click here.*

19 comments:

jaci said...

marce..

i love her eyes. adorable. gorgeous. she looks just like you! (except the eye color)

Linda said...

Great way to put it. Your heart does expand, and it will keep growing ... and even when one day, she will have a little baby of her own..! Thank YOu for having her and blessing us all! Happy 6 months!!!!! I love you to the Highest MOuntain and back!!
MOM

Amy said...

Holy cow- I can't believe it's been 6 months, it feels like I was just crackin up at your hilarious video! She's beautiful, you are a beautiful family! Thanks for sharing your story and all of the cute pictures!

Ju and Brack said...

I can't believe she is 6 months old. What a blessing she has been to you. I'm so glad that you are so happy and that you have her! She is beautfiul!

Megs said...

Marce, this post was beautiful. It made me cry! Happy 6 months to Ellie! I can't believe she is that old either. It seems like yesterday I was reading the post when she was born. You expressed everything so well, hope all is good.

ed and kelli said...

marce.. can i just tell you that i loved reading this post.. and let's be honest, i was close to tears (if i were not at work right now, the flood would have come)... i think about this situation (not your exact situations, obviously) but how my little girls day will happen.. i get so nervous the closer it gets that i actually have to be the one that gets her out of me! what the?! am i realyl supposed to know how to do that, and be able to be strong enough to do that. it makes my husband laugh that i stress over it, but i am beginning to be terrified.. reading this post helped cause look at the wonderful end result and the happiness that comes from it.. so thanks marce.. i needed that right now!

Lali Johnson said...

what a cute remembrance of that blessed (sometimes hard) event! You are so cute and say things so eloquently :)

Kimberly said...

Marce!
Time sure does fly, doesn't it? I can't believe our little ones are 6 months old!! It's pure craziness. Ellie is a doll and I just love her. We miss you guys tons and wish we lived closer so we could hang out more. love you!

* Anne * said...

O...6 months. Cherish it. You think that went by fast. Wait til she's 2 and she's telling you to "Go away." Sniff. (That happened to me today btw. so not cool.) Just cherish it. :)

RaCh said...

6 months! Are you serious?! I can't believe how fast time goes and that we're missing out on so much of each others lives.

Ellie is adorable. We can't wait to meet her! LOVE YOU FRIEND!

Clay Jenna and JJ said...

You stated it all SO well. And I have to TOTALLY agree, that pitocin kicks your trash:) A very different kind of pain...bless those wonderful anesthesiologists, if only I had their income:) Your baby is beautiful and I cannot wait to see her finally:)

jenna marie said...

oh marci this just made me so excited!!!! it really does seem like yesterday i was reading your blog and you were documenting ways to GET HER OUT!

erin said...

that was the sweetest blog. you are such a great writer.

so let's talk about this epidural thing...the scariest thing in the world to me, is the idea of having no feeling in my body. was it scary at all? did it freak you out at all? i am prone to panic attacks so i worry this will send me into a whirlwind. i really wanna hear what you have to say on this.

again, I loved this blog. you painted such a wonderful picture. congrats on your 6 month mark.

Ashley said...

So these adorable posts that make me cry are going to have to stop. This is ridiculous! I want to be a mommy every time I read your dang blog. You're not really helping with this birth control thing, Marce...seriously...no more motherly posts that make me want a baby NOW! ;) LOVE ya.

Candace said...

What a crazy story! I can imagine all the emotions and feelings and being freaked out. It was so fun to hold little Ellie the other night. She's a complete sweetheart.

Russell and Mikelle said...

wow I can't believe she is six months already!! She is beautiful...anyways,,

Lynne said...

She is a sweet adorable little girl. We love her so much too. It is indescribable what a new baby does to your heart and to your life. You and Mike and Ellie are such a cute little family. Ellie is a special little person. I love watching her grow and learn.

Lacey Jay said...

Don't ask me why I'm crying but I am. That was a very sweet post and i enjoyed your words. Thanks for sharing. E is one lucky little girl:)

Dallin, Savannah, and London said...

Marce~ thanks for putting the wonderment into words...I love coming back often to read the magic. I often wish I could pick your brain on what's just around the corner for us and how you do it so well...so thank you for sharing. Happy six months Ellie!