things that matter most

it's 3 am.*
i hate that it's 3 am.
let me rephrase that:
i hate that it's 3 am and i am awake.
these middle-of-the night feedings are killing me.
by means of slow-and-painfully-brutal exhaustion.
but i know it's just a phase. one that will pass and that i will somewhat forget someday.
but for now, i they're here. and i've got to get through 'em...

sooooo a few nights ago, i decided i needed to boost my low-3-am-spirits and i started reading some conference talks. i was desperate for happy thoughts.
one of the first talks i read was Elder Uchtdorf's most recent talk.
can you say, PERFECT??
meaning, it was the perfect happy thoughts talk for me to read right now.

you see, i've been feeling the pressure lately. (and not just in my chest).
the pressure of an ever-growing to-do list...one that isn't getting very much crossed of of these days...one that is filled with the normal junk that i know all of you can identify with: laundry, stocking the diapers, stocking the wipes, stocking the fridge, more laundry, thank-you notes, folding that laundry, picking up the toys...again (oh, and the shoes and jackets and mail that keep piling up in random corners throughout the house), returning phone-calls, putting away the laundry, writing a witty blog-post, starting the laundry again, planning and executing a dinner plan....before bed-time...man, the list really could drag on and on.
and the fact that i haven't crossed very many things off lately as left me feeling...well, i'll just say it, bad about myself. i've felt like a bad mom.

i've fallen into that rut of comparing myself to others...don't you think it's become sooo easy to do with facebook...and of course, the blogs out there? which is totally lame- because i know i don't post half of what's really going on around here...because that would just be silly. people don't need to know every cold i get or every dish that doesn't get put away....which means others don't necessarily tell me those things either. but even though i know that, i guess it has just seemed that everyone i know with kids, especially the ones who've just had a baby, have rolled into their normal routines seamlessly, doing all they did before, and then some. and yet i'm struggling to get my kiddos bathed every day, let alone myself....struggling to fight the temptation to put on yet another episode of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse--(because even though it drives me crazy, it is somehow keeping me sane too), and struggling to resist eating yet another oreo...because my sugar addiction is out of control, even though i know that will just keep making me feel bad about myself because i want to fit into my pre-prego jeans soooo badddddlly. tear.

wow. yes, i've needed happy thoughts.
so, back to the talk.

the very first caption underneath the title of the talk, "Of things that matter most" says this:

If life and its rushed pace and many stresses have made it difficult for you to feel like rejoicing, then perhaps now is a good time to refocus on what matters most.

wow. um, i had to re-read it to make sure it didn't say, "Dear Marci...."

later it said this:

"Let’s be honest; it’s rather easy to be busy. We all can think up a list of tasks that will overwhelm our schedules. Some might even think that their self-worth depends on the length of their to-do list. (um, did he just read my thoughts?) They flood the open spaces in their time with lists of meetings and minutia—even during times of stress and fatigue (ok seriously. how did he know that i am struggling with fatigue? this is getting weird...). Because they unnecessarily complicate their lives, they often feel increased frustration, diminished joy, and too little sense of meaning in their lives.

It is said that any virtue when taken to an extreme can become a vice. Overscheduling our days would certainly qualify for this. There comes a point where milestones can become millstones and ambitions, albatrosses around our necks."

ok, if the first statement didn't say Dear Marci, then that one surely did.
but this one, this was the real kicker:

My dear brothers and sisters, (ie, Marci, are you listening?) we would do well to slow down a little, proceed at the optimum speed for our circumstances, focus on the significant, lift up our eyes, and truly see the things that matter most...

...Strength comes not from frantic activity but from being settled on a firm foundation of truth and light. It comes from placing our attention and efforts on the basics of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. It comes from paying attention to the divine things that matter most. (the thought of my beautiful little girls...and my hubs...and the word FAMILY...all popped into my mind).
Let us simplify our lives a little. Let us make the changes necessary to refocus our lives on the sublime beauty of the simple, humble path of Christian discipleship—the path that leads always toward a life of meaning, gladness, and peace."

to me, these are the divine things that matter most:

and so, even though my house is a mess,
my face is covered with zits,
and my to-do-list isn't getting any shorter...
i've been blessed with two beautiful baby girls.
i get to be home with my girls.
i get to watch them grow.
i get to teach them about Heavenly Father and Jesus.
i get to have them teach me how to serve and how to love.
i get to be a mama.

life isn't perfect.
but it's good.

xoxo

*this post really was mostly written at 3 am...but of course i fell asleep mid-sentence..only to finish it today at naptime :) *

the truth

::: the truth is i have a garbage can full of newborn poopie diapers that need to be taken out. oh and the kitchen trash too. and the recycling trash too. lots of trash.

::: the truth is i have laundry folded on top of my washer and dryer from the past week. i'm impressed with myself that it's folded. i wonder if it will ever put itself away. and i'm angry looking at my hampers already getting full again. even though there is a load in the washer and one in the dryer as i type. i don't remember ever doing this much laundry in my entire life.

::: the truth is i haven't been to the grocery store since the baby was born. yes, i'm starving my family. thank goodness for the wonderful dinners we've been blessed with this week. because i'm a huge slacker. and wonder how i'll ever do errands by myself with two kids. let alone cook. and clean. and nurse. and change two kids' poopie bums. and nurse again. and throw cheerios at the other kid. and still look half-decent. wow. i'm tired just thinking about it.

::: the truth is instead of cleaning up all the junk (ie little teensie weensie diapers, wipes, blankets, bouncer, pillows, nursing covers....whoa i forgot how much junk you take out for a little 8 lb squirt) that has accumulated in every single room of our house, i told M that we needed a family outing yesterday. to the pumpkin patch we went. i'm glad we neglected our responsibility to be....responsible. because being cooped up is making me coo-key. (how do you spell that? because i almost spelled it like coo-kie, but that spells cookie. hmmm). and getting out was fun. fresh air does a human good.

::: the truth is i'm currently addicted to "words with friends." does anyone else like this game/ have this app? M and i play each other. he is killing me right now. it is hurting my confidence. i love word games. especially at 3 am when my brain is too fuzzy to do something important but also needs to be awake for miss-eats-every-hour-in-the-middle-of-the-night-Alice.

::: the truth is i cried three times today. none of them for any real good reason.

::: the truth is i let Ellie dress up in whatever she wants whenever she wants lately. just to keep the peace. because she is in love with Alice, until she ruins whatever fun Ellie wants to have...like me chasing her or getting her apple juice or picking her up (all while i'm feeding little Alice). so then i'll say, "Ellie, where is your princess dress/skirt/shoes, etc etc?" and she'll run and find something to put on. today, she was dressed up like Snow White for half the day, then her Halloween costume for the rest of the day.

{doing errands as "Ellie Snow White"}

yesterday, she spent the entire day looking like this:

...and instead of convincing her to wear something normal, i encouraged it by taking tons of pictures of it. i'm an awesome mom.

::: the truth is Alice likes to be held all the time. and i like to hold her all the time. i'm creating a monster. but it's just that i'm not used to such behavior...especially the fact that tears can be consoled by a little nuzzle in my arms. so bizarre. and yummy and warm and perfect on a cool fall day.

{i took this picture on my phone from Alice's photo-shoot on Tuesday. i'm dying to see pics!!}

::: the truth is i'm watching this week's Modern Family right now...for the fourth time. it's my favorite episode. and totally has me in the Halloween spirit. and Gloria's spanglish phrases were so hilarious...they reminded me of many "hilarious salad" / "chopped ham + cheese" moments that my own mama has had. (sorry everyone, that previous sentence probably only made sense to me and my mama.). it's coconuts how super delightful it was. (my favorite line from the show).

::: the truth is i'm missing social interaction tons these days. so to make up for lack of girl time, i am spending way too much time on facebook/reading blogs. i think it's because blogs and facebook make me feel like i have friends... like there is life out there..and that i had one at one point...i seriously need to get out of this computer rut because it can't be healthy. i can feel my brain turning to mush (like my mom used to say when we watched too much tv).

::: the truth is i opened the bag of halloween candy. and now i cant stop eating it. i honestly hope Alice is ok with me eating chocolate because i've had like 12 bite size butterfingers. side note: i hate the bite size ones- because they make you feel like they're so small- so then you just keep popping those "small" suckers in your mouth until you've eaten more bites than a king size candy bar. dang bite sizers.

::: and while i'm on the candy subject: the truth is skittles crazy cores are crazy delicious. they are my new vice. thank you bec for introducing meto their evil yumminess.

::: the truth is i'm soooooo excited to reveal our Halloween costume ensemble this year. i think it's pretty stinkin cute. here's a sneak peak:

::: and finally, the truth is...my life isn't perfect. it has its moments. moments that make me frustrated. moments that make me wanna pull my hair out. moments that make me want to just pee in peace for once. but most of all, moments that make me love my hubs and my two little girls so much i think my heart could burst.

and that's enough truths to be revealed for one night.
happy halloween!
xoxo

i believe we have a living Prophet today

i hope you are all enjoying General Conference as much as i am.
i wish we had General Conference every month. i feel so spiritually rejuvenated, don't you?

my skin is full of goosebumps after hearing the final hymn, We Thank Thee O God For a Prophet. i know that President Thomas S. Monson is our living Prophet today. how grateful i am for him and for that knowledge. and what a powerful sermon he gave just now. i especially love these words he gave at the conclusion of his talk:

"Our promised blessings are beyond measure. Though the storm clouds may gather, and though the rain may pour down upon us, our knowledge of the gospel and our love for our Heavenly Father and for our Savior will comfort and sustain us and bring joy to our hearts as we walk uprightly and keep the commandments. There will be nothing in this world that can defeat us.

Fear not, be of good cheer.
The future is as bright as your faith...
Heaven's blessing await us."

hope you're enjoying this bright, spiritual, lovely day.

xoxo

live mighty

de-stressers.
i need lots of those.
because, if you know me at all, even by just reading my blog, you know that i tend to be a stressed-out individual.
i don't know why i'm that way.
but i do know, i've been that way ever since i can remember.

in fact, i remember as a toddler, being so stressed out by my dad eating my cotton candy that i couldn't stop crying about it and screaming about it. i was not the sharing type. cold-showers often did the de-stressing trick then.

then, i remember as a high schooler getting so stressed out about tests and papers and piano practice and girls gossiping and boys thinking that other girl was cuter than me and not being skinny enough and i'm getting stressed just thinking about all that nonsense.... but i remember locking myself in my room, pulling out dozens of magazines, and cutting out all the pictures of who i wanted to be and my favorite hair-styles and outfits...and i'd daydream into the wee-hours of the night. that did the des-tressing trick then.

now i'm me. an older version of me, that is. and bigger things stress me out. i mean, i at least think they're bigger. they feel bigger. and i find myself still needing de-stressers.

some destressers of mine include:

• exercise (gotta love those endorphins)
  

• a long talk...often with my mom...but also with M or a friend
  

• reading a good book

• eating something delicious. like frozen yogurt. mmm.

• clenching my jaw down really hard (creepy, i know. i feel sorta vampire-ish when i do it. but it helps)

• blogging/writing

• screaming really really loud while going through a car-wash

• cleaning something

• picking up lil E and hugging her extra hard...even if she pushes me away.

• if hugging her didn't work, just looking at E or singing to E would often do the trick as well

• a nice long drive

• using my grandpa's favorite phrase: breathe in, breathe out. breathe in, breathe out.

• and of course, being spiritual...reading scriptures, etc.

on my way to school today, i practiced one of my all-time-favorite destressers: blasting the stereo in lil ol swan (yes, the swan lives on). the louder, the better. something i can sing to is preferable. today's pick: jason mraz. M & i love mr. AZ. one of the songs on his latest CD has stuck with me all day- the chorus says these words:

live high
live mighty
live righteously
takin' it easy

i felt so much less stressed after hearing that.
because, i feel like most of us give life our best (living high).
i feel like most of us leave the world a better place (living mighty).
and i feel like most of us are doing good and fighting against the bad (living righteously).
so, dudes, we can take it easy. (be less stressed).

so, in stressed out moments, i can tell myself: breathe in, breathe out. breathe in, breathe out.
take it easy.

will it always work?
probably not.
but today it did.

{grin}

curious:
what destresses you?

glad we made it in time for this:

the Draper Temple Open House.

it was freezing.
it was long.
it was body-to-body walking through.
it was worth every minute.

what a special thing to take your baby with you through the temple.
in my opinion, it was a very unique (and rare) opportunity.
with Ellie in my arms, i kept looking around at all the details; the pictures, the wood-carvings, the doorknobs, the chandeliers, the altars, the murals, the paintings...and i just kept thinking...this is heaven on earth. i want to stay here forever.

how grateful i am for my eternal little family (and big eternal family).
how grateful i am for temples on this earth that make that possible.

the two most important things to me are:

1. my family.
2. my religion.

i don't like riling people up.
i don't like picking fights (or noses).
i don't like confrontation.

but when someone messes with my family or my religion...i get a bit defensive.

this sunday, to be aired on HBO's Big Love, are parts of the temple ceremony and the revealing of temple clothing.
this is something that is very sacred to me.
and something that is very sacred to members of the LDS church.
so, it upsets me.
does it upset you too?

if so, let HBO kindly know how you feel about it by clicking here.

read to your bunny.

"Read to your bunny often,
It's twenty minutes of fun.
It's twenty minutes of moonlight,
And twenty minutes of sun.
Twenty old-favorite minutes,
Twenty minutes brand-new,
Read to your bunny often,
And...
Your bunny will read to you."
-Rosemary Wells, Read to Your Bunny

reading with Ellie really has become my very favorite part of our days together. she is so enthralled with every page, every picture, and every type of book. in fact, i'm pretty sure that she would pick a book over a toy any day. she loves it.

so here's my plug for literacy. read to your little bunnies! reading twenty minutes a day...heck, even ten minutes a day is the greatest gift you can give to your child (outside of loving them). my kindergarten students are never as quiet and as engaged as they are when i am reading to them. my Ellie is never as entertained and still (she's such a wiggly bug) when i am reading to her- it has been my experience that children really can learn to love to read...and it all starts in the home when you read that first nursery rhyme or peek-a-boo book to your little baby.

ok, i will now kindly step off my soap-box...and go eat a burrito... or something equally satisfying.

come what may, and love it.

i think of myself as a sponge. it takes me a while to let things sink in so that i can clean my mess up.

this last weekend, all of us latter day saints gathered together in one giant slumber party to view our semi-annual general conference. ok, it wasn't really a giant slumber party...but i like to think of it that way as i imagine so many saints across the world gathered with tired hearts, ready to be rejuvenated by the words of the prophets. and so it was general conference. my spongey self was in full capoot (well, as much as it could be between feedings, and a few shut-eyes here and there due to the previous nights' midnight feedings). as usual, it has taken me a few days to really let everything sink in. there were so many uplifting words spoken. so many "goose-bumpers," as i call them (the ones that give you the chills all over- and make you feel fuzzy).

one, however, continues to stick out in my mind.

Elder Wirthlin's talk.

it's funny, because, Elder Wirthlin often isn't the most charismatic of the bunch. however, he always speaks to my heart. he always answers a quiet prayer that i didn't even realize i had said or thought aloud.

he shared a phrase his mother often used to share with him as a child: come what may and love it. what a powerful collection of words! i feel the goose-bumps rising just typing them. so what does it mean? he shared the following explanation:

"I think she meant that every day has peaks and shadows, and times when it seems that the birds don’t sing and bells don’t ring. But in spite of discouragement and adversity, those that are happy seem to have a way of learning from difficult times, becoming stronger and wiser and happier as a result."

isn't this the truth? life can be hard. so hard. double dog hard. it can be frustrating. and exasperating. but i love how he said also that "the way we react to adversity can be a major factor in how happy and successful we can be. if we approach adversities wisely, our hardest times can be of greatest growth, which in turn can lead towards times of greatest happiness."

seems impossible, right? how can you be happy, when life can be so double dog hard?

then he shared how. one of my favorite ways that he shared was through laughter. now, i love to laugh. so much. i think of my favorite memories and they often involve me being extremely silly, with someone i love, and a stomach ache from laughing so hard. it's true, laughing has a magical, healing power.

he shared a story of his daughter that is hilarious. i'd like to relate that story in his words:

"Our daughter went on a blind date of which we didn’t approve. In walked a man who seemed a little old, but she tried to be polite. She introduced him to me and my wife and the other children. We watched as she got in the car- but it didn’t move. Eventually the daughter got out of the car, red faced and ran back into the house. The man she thought was her blind date, had actually come to pick up another one of our daughters who had agreed to be a babysitter for him and his wife. We all had a good laugh over that. In fact we couldn’t stop laughing. Later, when our daughter’s real blind date showed up, I couldn’t come out to meet him because I was still in the kitchen laughing. Now, I realize that our daughter could have felt humiliated and embarrassed, but she laughed with us, and as a result, we still laugh about it to this day. The next time you're tempted to groan, you might try to laugh instead."

it made me think of the things in my life that are hard. yes, there are things that are too serious to laugh about. but then there are things that i take too seriously that could be laughed about. my spongy self realized i had a mess to clean up. i need to smile more. i need to enjoy the small moments more. i need to remember that life is always going to throw curve balls and rainstorms and lemons. but i can choose to have a lemonade stand, enjoy the rainbow after the storm...and hit a home-run out of that curve ball...smiling all the while. so, till the next mega LDS slumber party, i'm going to try my best to remember the phrase, come what may and love it.

to kick off "come what may and love it," i thought i'd share this little video that my family and i think is hilarious. little charlie knows how to laugh! i hope you get a laugh, too.

three months: then and now.

behold, the truth about Ellie:

it's amazing how much changes in three months. three months ago, i felt huge and uncomfortable...i felt anxious and excited...i felt ready, yet not ready for what would come.

{41 Weeks Pregnant}

then Ellie came to us. the first week, i was excited and hopeful, and of course exhausted. Ellie was a little miracle. i was constantly in awe that this little person really was ours.

{Ellie at 1 day old}

then, Ellie wouldn't sleep. she was never one of those babies that would just get wiped out and fall asleep wherever they were. she started getting "fussy." she cried a lot. in fact, she cried way more than i had expected a little infant to cry. there were many sleepless nights. nursing took FOREVER. she was very, very alert...and seemed frustrated by her inability to move around in this little body. for weeks, i was in denial that Ellie was colicky. i felt like colic somehow reflected something negative on me as a mom. i felt like i should be able to console my baby. i tried to remain calm and patient- but it was very difficult sometimes...i cried a lot. she didn't even like it when i held her- she wanted to be put down. i longed for cuddling and snuggling my baby.

{Ellie on the Fourth of July- almost 4 weeks old}

we tried everything to help Ellie get over her fussiness. we tried formula instead of nursing. didn't help at all. i put her on a strict schedule- of which we never deviated from. it helped a little. i read a book called the happiest baby on the block (thanks jen) which helped a lot. we became faithful swaddlers, swingers (acutally BOUNCERS would more accurately describe it), stomach-holders, shhhh-ers, and offerers of sucking (nursing, binkies, etc). bouncing helped a lot...but she became addicted. everyone who was associated with Ellie in the previous months knows that she could only be consoled by a tight swaddle, a bink and bouncing. it was crazy. needless to say, i was exhausted all the time.

{Ellie swaddled, with binky- seconds after rigorous bouncing}

that was the old Ellie.

let me tell you about three month Ellie:
it's like a switch has gone off! she is sooo happy!
she smiles like crazy
she loves to be held (i type this with tears welling up in my eyes!)
she loves sucking on her fingers (instead of her bink). this has helped tremendously with self-soothing
she can finally fall asleep WITHOUT bouncing [insert huge HOORAY here!]
she loves to sit and watch baby einstein
she loves the baby bjorn- and will hang out there while i do anything from cooking to blowdrying my hair
she loves making giant spit-bubbles
she rolls over
she is scooting
she loves the "big girl" bath
she talks like crazy (cooing, etc)
she gets more adorable with each and every day.

{Ellie's adorable smile on her blessing day}

{Ellie letting me snuggle and hold her!}

don't get me wrong; i was in love with colicky Ellie. she has always had my heart. i was just often exasperated. i couldn't figure out what to do sometimes. it is my belief that three month Ellie has entered our lives as a gift for sticking it out patiently with colicky Ellie. there are still tricky moments- but overall, life has 180'd. i'm proud to say we have conquered the colic. to all you new mommies out there (or mommies to be)- hang in there! you can do it! it gets better and better each and every day.

and to my Ellie:
i'm so happy you came into our lives three months ago! you have been a little monster sometimes, but you are the cutest little monster on the planet. thank you for being my new little best friend. i love you!