waiting waiting waiting, come rain or shine

the last couple of weeks have been emotional.

emotional highs and emotional lows. rain and sunshine. we've enjoyed it all.

there really isn't much new to report on the Max front -- just getting used to the phrase: "hurry up and...wait."

it's like it is at the end of any pregnancy -- the whole time you anticipate, prepare, and wonder how in the world you'll be able to handle taking care of yet another human being. and then your body morphs into this crazy version of itself that doesn't even kind of resemble who you used to be...and you get increasingly uncomfortable...until you just can't take it anymore and you're just ready to take off this whacky costume and reintroduce yourself to your real body.

i'm sooooooooooo there.

having polyhydramnios is wild. i feel like i have fluid coming out of my eyeballs. i honestly don't get how it's all staying in there. like why isn't it leaking out of my ear holes and nose holes? i guess i'll never know. but i have this hunch that i am going to feel like a super skinny woman when niagara falls happens. now, technically i still have a little under 5 weeks left of this thing. but i'm measuring full term with all of the fluid...and i look like it. and feel like it. i'm too prideful to post any real belly pictures at this point. just know: it aint pwetty.

and honestly it is very painful. but i was talking with my mom the other day and i told her that i think that it had to get to this point -- of such extreme physical discomfort -- or else i'd never feel ready to enter such an uncertain future. it's like, i had to get to this point of "please! let it be done!" which somehow is trumping my previous fear and insecure feelings from before. the feelings i had that felt like i am somehow protecting Max, like he is the safest with me. i still have those feelings sometimes...but then my back throbs and my ribs ache and i don't sleep a wink, and i think, "ok, God, i'm ready to not be so protective. i'm ready for you to show me your plan for Max."

it's been an emotional wrestle to get there. but isn't it always an emotional wrestle to finally put your own wants and what you think you need or know completely aside, and really agree to take on whatever He puts in your path? finally, i can say that's where i am. and truly, it's such a relief.

and so i'm here. waiting. waiting. waiting. waiting for this thing we've just been talking about for months to happen. waiting to know outcomes. waiting for "what-if scenarios" to become "real life scenarios." waiting for our lives to change forever. it's the strangest feeling. and sometimes it makes me cry because it feels really big. and then someone texts me right in that moment of despair, or leaves a little tulip or some daffodils on my doorstep, or sends a card in the mail, or a box of sunshine, or tells me they're taking the girls, or going to bring dinner (and i can't protest!)... the good deeds are truly endless!  ....... and it's like i can feel His arms reaching down to little ole me, letting me know that while this is big, i am NOT small. and He is NOT small. and none of us are small. we are all big, important parts of this big, important life. and He is aware of our hearts. He knows things are sad and happy and painful and discouraging and wonderful. He gave us the capability to feel all of these things -- and i'm so glad He did. it makes me want to be better. it makes me more aware of others. it has given me the chance to see true goodness and kindness in so many. and i am overwhelmed by it! and inspired and impressed. and every other good emotion that i can't think of right now. thank you just isn't enough....but since that's all my little blog full of lots of words can say: thank you to each and every one of you for being my warmth and sunshine.

and thank you to my lil loves who help me find joy, laughter and love, even amidst all the crazy waiting.

xoxo

a blanket of love.

i know i already posted this on Instagram, but i just wanted to be sure you saw it too.

today, and this whole week, i have felt so humbled, inspired and loved-- and i just wanted to thank you. thank you to all of you who have reached out to me- via text, treat, call, email, Facebook, & blog comment...i can't adequately express my gratitude to each of you for offering your words of comfort, support, and love to me and my lil family.

i truly believe what Forest Gump said: "Life is like a box of chocolates; you never know what you're gonna get." but even in the uncertainty, it can be sweet-- and that is because of all of you, your prayers, and the love of God that i feel so strongly. it is like a warm blanket-- one that i never ever want to take off.

so even though words don't seem like enough: thanks from the bottom of my heart for loving lil ole me.

xoxo

wedding week: the cutest lil flower girls, and a dress saga.

the minute we got home from the reception, i realized how bad i had epically failed at taking pictures of everyone. it is so hard when you are in the moment to be worried about snapping pictures, isn't it?? but such a regret to come away with very few.

anyway, the girls' flower dresses were soooo gorgeous, so the next day, i had them dress back up in them and i had a little photo shoot with them. they were so darling, and i am so glad i did-- i just wish my little nieces hadn't left that day so we could have gotten some with all four little girls together. oh, the coulda, woulda, shoulda's. anyway. enjoy an excessive amount of darlingness below.

 and my personal favorite:

and now a little dress saga for you, as a reward for putting up with my excessive amount of photos of my girls, who i think are just the dang cutest lil things on the planet.

so the dress i wore for the reception has quite the story. it was a total headache to find -- since almost every formal dress was super short, and that obviously wouldn't work with a growing belly. i was super stressed trying to find something...anything...in the color scheme that Mimi had chosen-- there was literally NOTHING that would work. one beautiful day in the middle of September, i found that gorgeous blush gown at Nordstrom-- ridiculously expensive- but literally the answer to my prayers-- super stretchy, one-size fits all, comfy, and to-the-floor (so it wouldn't be too short with my big belly lifting it up). anyway, we got the dress online, and it came and was literally like 2 feet too long (i guess that's what happens when you buy a "one-size-fits all" dress) so obviously, i had to get it altered.

i went one day-- waited and waited- only for the seamstress to tell me to come back because she didn't think that my size would match what i would be near the wedding (the size of my belly, that is- which affects the length of the dress). she sent me home, to return exactly 2 weeks from when i needed it (so that my belly would measure as close to the size it would be as possible). i understood, but was annoyed because it's not easy to wait with a toddler in a dressing room, you know?

so 2 weeks from the reception date came, and i was there at Nordstrom. i wasn't feeling super good that day, but i figured i'd be fine (and i needed to be fitted THAT day in order to get the dress back in time for the wedding- so i decided i'd just eat my feelings later). so like any good mom does, i set up Alice in the corner of the dressing room with a snack-cup of fishies, fruit snacks, a juice-box, and my phone-- and she got to be my little audience while i got fitted for my dress. such a little cutie.

 

then the seamstress came, and so i wrapped myself up in that beautiful dress, and strapped on these crazy HIGH shoes that my sister got for all of her bridesmaids to wear. like 5-6 inch heels, no joke. i stood up on that pedestal and the cute little Greek Grandma Seamstress starts pinning away at the hem of my dress. i know you can't tell from previous pictures i've posted from the wedding, but it was a very FULL dress- so 30 minutes went by of me standing with perfect posture, and she had only completed pinning about 1/3 of the dress. it was crazy! but she was so cute, talking and admiring little Alice in the corner.

all of a sudden, i started to feel super duper nauseous. like the kind of nauseous that i knew i needed a bucket or a bag or a trash can or a cup....or anything, FAST! i was scanning the room for something, when i started feeling a tingling feeling coming up my legs and realized that i probably just needed to sit down. so i looked at my cute little Greek Grandma friend and told her, "would it be ok if i sat down for just a minute?"

the next thing i knew, i woke up laying on the floor to a whole bunch of commotion. i was seeing twinkly stars for a second, and then i realized that the crazy psychedelic dream i had just been having about hippies and pirates was in fact a dream because i had just fainted!

as in PASSED OUT!
OFF THE PEDESTAL!
ONTO THE FLOOR!

i sat up, and saw 5-6 people circled around me (in a dressing room where there had previously been NO ONE but us) all asking if i was ok. i glanced to the right and saw the cute Greek Grandma with hot tears rolling down her cheeks-- such a cute lil tender soul! she kept saying "are you ok? please tell me you're ok. i am so sorry! are you ok?  you hit your head SO HARD! is your head ok??"

and i felt my head, and there was a huge egg-shaped bump on there already protruding. yeah, it hurt.

apparently i fell off the pedestal into the mirror, and then onto the floor.

and it felt like i had fell into the mirror onto the floor. HARD. like, POUNDING HEADACHE hard.
how does crap like this always happen to me?, was my first thought.

and then i had to see Nordstrom's medic, fill out a report, was given like 6 mini bottles of water, and fussed over for an embarrassingly long amount of time. they tried to scurry me on out of there, but i told them of the fast-approaching-wedding date- and they realized that in spite of my golf-ball bump on my head, i wasn't going anywhere. so they brought in 3 other seamstresses, and i was doted on and fitted like i imagine Kate Middleton (or Sleeping Beauty, maybe?) to be. and they finished in about 10 minutes- and the cute ladies all gave me hugs and kisses on their way out. the Greek Grandma was the last to leave and said, with tears in her eyes, "i'm so glad you're ok! i thought you died! you didn't wake up for so long! God bless you, sweet heart." and then she did the crucifix signal across her heart. such a cute, dramatic lil woman!

and so that was my crazy-dress saga.
oh the things we women do in the name of beauty!
seriously though, why does crap like that always happen to me?
i guess it's a good story to tell.
and heaven knows i like a good story to tell.

xoxo

hug and hold the ones you love.

this week has been an interesting one.
Sunday night i went to bed all gushy and warm and fuzzy from a wonderful general conference. my (smallish) appetite had returned (translation: i can eat more than bread + fruit! yesss!)-- and so i was stuffed from donuts, homemade waffles + syrup (a conference MUST), famous berry pie, and lots of other deliciousnesses that i can't remember right now. my soul was stuffed too- full of inspiring messages and motivating words from our wonderful Prophet and Apostles.

then Monday came, and along with my least favorite laundry, we started the week all stuffy and coughy and weird and gross. yuck. the day wasn't a good one-- i can't exactly remember why other than i generally dislike Mondays- the girls were grouchy- they kept making messes where i had JUST mopped or JUST picked up for the hundredth time, i had a stomach ache (undoubtedly from eating so much junk), and i'm sure i received some annoying bills in the mail, because it's Monday, and Mondays are for all the annoying stuff like that. i distinctly remember going to bed with the thought: "i don't want to be the mom. i just want to be the kid." a thought that had been lingering for a few days...one that i'm not proud of having.

that night, Alice had a rough night (yes, we're still having rough nights. luckily only 1-2 times a week now, but still. i've concluded that she's having night terrors. it's very sad. and exhausting. for everyone). i went through a wave of emotions- first i was patient and kind. then i got annoyed and frustrated and thought, "calm down child! i need sleep!" and then she did calm down and i got some rare cuddles and i felt blessed.

the morning came extra early (because isn't that how it always happens?) and i was not in the mood to start life already. i looked at my phone to check the time, and went through my apps to get caught up on the gossip of the world...and in my instagram feed, one of my dearest sweetest friends had posted a picture of her and her sister-in-law with a somewhat cryptic message that something tragic had happened to her. i texted my friend right away to see if everything was ok. it wasn't.

she informed me that her brother, Nate and his wife Jennie had gone on a getaway trip to Hawaii, without their kids. they had been there for a few days when they took a motorcycle ride up the Akoni Pule Highway- in oncoming traffic, a driver swerved out of center divide- and Nate swerved to miss the car. i don't know the exact details of the accident- but i do know that Jennie was killed on impact, and Nate was life-flighted to the hospital. according to my friend, Nate will be ok physically. but they lost their beautiful Jennie- a wonderful mom, wife, sister and friend- and at 32 years old, leaving behind 4 young children. 4! (you can read the article in the Salt Lake Tribune here).
 
this incident has been playing over in my mind again and again. while this is one of my closest friends' families, i didn't know Nate and Jennie super well- i had spent time with them a handful of times, but they were already married and had their first little girl when we were in high school. i do remember Jennie being the kindest person- and i remember that she and Nate were so sweet together. it was a relationship that i admired.  and yet even though i didn't know them personally super well, this situation has left me so numb. for the last three days, it has consumed my thoughts, my prayers, and my actions.
i've had moments where i've felt extreme sadness- reading beautiful tributes (like this one), and seeing pictures posted of her and her children and siblings and loving husband. it is so heart-wrenching to know what an incredible hole she has left. how difficult for her children to lose their mother- and how difficult for her husband to lose his best friend. and for everyone else who was touched by her overwhelmingly good influence- i know she will be so deeply missed- and it is so sad to realize that. and then to have those uncomfortable imaginations creep in: what if that was me? what if that was M? or what if that was my sister?
i've also had moments of extreme guilt- like, how can i be so selfish to have a thought like, "i don't want to be the mom. i just want to be the kid?" or "i need sleep!" i'm ashamed and embarrassed. it makes me realize that sometimes i walk around giving off an irritable and invincible vibe- like i'm in control and stop bugging me. i've had the immense impression this week that really life is so so fragile. and precious. and getting to be the mom is an incredible honor and gift from Heavenly Father- and sleep can be had later- but hugs need to be had now. and teaching moments and loving moments need to be had now. the dishes can wait. the crumbs on the floor can wait. the dumped-bucket-of-blocks-for-the-hundredth-time-that-day can wait. those little moments of story-time, singing and dancing, prayers and scripture reading need to be had now.
and then those thoughts have given me moments of extreme gratitude- where i just want to hug my girls so tight- and M too. because i dont' want a day to go by without them realizing how special they are to me. i can't imagine my life without them- and it breaks my heart into itty bits to even comprehend what that might be like. it makes me so grateful to know that M and i were married in the temple- i know that the temple has a sealing power- a power so strong that not even death can break it- which means i'll always be with them- and it means that Jennie and Nate will be together forever too.

and so, even though it's been a funky emotional birthday week, tonight, on my birthday eve, i'm heading to the temple. to be reminded of those special covenants. because it's been too long since i've been. i'm hungry for that special nourishment and spirit that can only be found in our temple home. i know it's where God wants us- to be taught, to be near Him, and to express our love and gratitude for all that He has given us.

to the beautiful Wahlstrom family: i love you all so so much. your family is a beacon of faith and love-- i hope God will be with each and every one of you in this incredibly challenging time- offering comfort and peace with time. sending you all lots of love and hugs.

and to all of you beautiful people out there: i love you all! hug and hold those you love extra tight tonight- i know i'll do the same.

xoxo

random brain weirdness and how we survived the week M was out of town

hi!!!

i'm back!

did you miss me?

i don't know if you did.

who are you, anyway?

sometimes i wonder if anyone even reads this ole thing any more. like, i know that blogs aren't really the super cool trendy thing that they used to be. a blog is kind of like an old puke-green colored chunky phone with 20 ft of cord attached to the wall- it was super cool when it came out, but once the cordless phone came out...(not even to mention the cell phone/smart phone technology) that poor 20 ft corded phone could be found at any DI or landfill. facebook and instagram are like the cordless phone/smart phone technology- and have replaced blogs for a lot of people, and i see why. they're so much easier.... but i just cant' seem to give this lil ole blog up, even if i am just sending a bunch of random HTML into cyberspace. i guess i just like the complicated 20 ft of cord thing in my life.

sorry.

my brain is weird.

but if you've been reading this for any amount of time, you knew that already. bless you for putting up with my weirdness.

so our summer has been weird/fun/flying by. one thing i was totally dreading was when M was going to be gone for High Adventure (a scout-type camp) the end of last month. he had been gone the previous week for a few days on a special golfing trip up in Lake Tahoe, then left Monday morning at 2 am for High Adventure to the Channel Islands (where there was NO cell signal) and didn't get back till the following Saturday. it's weird how when you have a traveling husband, you get used to that. but now that M hasn't been traveling as much, that week and a half seemed like FOREVER. i think not being able to talk to him made a big difference, too.

but when M is gone, i make it a point to stay extremely busy. and busy we were.

first thing we did was to go to the library to get TONS of new books. the girls absolutely love the library, and that makes me happy. oh, and did you know that the library checks out piano music? i don't know why i had never thought of that before, but i totally took advantage of that and checked out some new music to play. i love playing the piano and wish i had more time to do so.

then we definitely got together with some of our friends - some of whom had been on trips that we had been missing. we swam and played at the park. the girls love these little people so much and i love that. (side note: on our walk one day with the girls, we let them out of their strollers to walk/run for a bit. Alice kept getting left behind because all she wanted to do was throw rocks in the creek. i could not get her away from those rocks. let me tell you what, she's turned into such a feisty lil thing. could it be that she's almost 2?).

Ellie did another week of swim lessons. i felt like she totally regressed that week and was really bummed about it. in her defense, it was a cooler week, and her swim lessons were at 9:00 am. yeah, she would be shivering her butt off before she even got wet. luckily for her, Alice, her number 1 fan, was there to cheer her on. "go Ya Ya, go!" she'd say. such a cute lil twerp. and finally by Friday, Ellie jumped off the diving board (well, i basically pushed her off) and that was that.

our big fun thing was that we went with a group of friends into San Francisco to Mission Dolores Park- a huge park that has been recently rennovated and refurbished. it was an awesome park, probably the coolest i've ever been to- especially since it had the most incredible vistas of the City Scape. the girls absolutely loved it and we can't wait to go back.

after the park we went to Bi-Rite ice cream, a SF institution. it definitely lived up to all the hype. we loved it- and it was worth the stomach ache.

Ellie also started a few new activities through our city- gymnastics and Taekwondo. both things were AWESOME. Ellie was hilarious dressed up in her white robe/pants/belt garb for Taekwondo. i could not stop cracking up. she was the only girl in her class (and seemed to be the youngest) but really held her own- i was proud of her.

and she was seriously made to do gymnastics (it's in her blood). she is in the class with a couple of little girls from her Sunbeams class- it makes me happy to see her getting to know her little friends from church. she really was so sad when it was over. all in all, it makes me so happy to see her trying new things and enjoying doing so.

and poor little Alice, she just watched and cheered on Ellie in all of these things- wanting so desperately to be a part and join in. she feels like a big kid, you know? and you know what, she's kind of turning into a big kid. (enter sad-face emoticon here).

(side note: this picture was taken after my favorite thing we did while M was gone- which was going on a run...to the donut shop. i love being able to peer pressure my friends into doing ridiculously oxy-moronish things like running to a donut shop. and Alice obviously supports any and all delicious eating endeavors- so it was a pretty successful trip.)

when M is gone, one thing we definitely do a lot of is watching movies + eating popcorn in my bed. the girls love it, and i love the snuggles/company. i haven't loved finding so many popcorn kernels, though...even AFTER washing sheets. what the heck?

we also had a couple of girls' nights at my house while M was gone. one night we did a big dance revolution party. it was hilarious and i couldn't stop laughing. another night we just hung out, talked, and got fat eating too much delciousness- it was equally fun. it makes such a difference to get good adult interaction in your day/week, you know?

then the totally creepy thing happened. it was Thursday night, a night that some friends had been here. it was somewhere between 4 am and 5 am that my house alarm started going off- a really high pitched screeching beeping. i wasn't really awake when i jumped out of my bed to come and disarm the alarm- and had the thought that someone must've accidentally set it off. well, when i was at the panel, i realized that no one was there but me, and that someone had to have tampered with the alarm- and so i immediately ran back to my bed, put my covers over my head, and checked my email. my alarm company always sends an email right away to let you know what happened/which door was affected- and it said that my dining room doors had been tampered with. i was FREAKED out, because those are some heavy french doors- and knew immediately that someone had tried to break in. isn't that so creepy? ewwwwwwww. i'm still heebie-jeebie'd just thinking about it. the next day, i went and got better curtains, put up more signs telling of our alarm even in the back, set up a lamp to keep on all night, and got some wasp spray to put by my bed (which i then slept with- did you know that stuff has a range of 10 feet? it could go straight in an attacker's eyes without me even having to be close to the sneaky freak).

let's just say i didn't sleep a wink- started watching Grey's Anatomy instead (yes, for the first time...and can i say, oh my, McDreamy is so smokin hot darling and Meredith is so adorably adorable), and was totally relieved to see my Knight in Shining Armor on Saturday (and get a nap).

so yes, we survived. but i'm glad M is not leaving again any time soon.

 

i really love that guy.

more updates to come soon on our 4th, our trip to SoCal, and other random happenings!

xoxo