all you need is love. and the pink stuff.

so i'm just sitting here listening to the Beatles "all you need is love" and online shopping and thinking about my day...which was filled with a whole lotta.....nothin, but a whole lotta love.

i think if i looked up what January's are for in some almanac somewhere (because people tottttallly use almanacs these days), it'd have some big explanation about resolutions and goals and motivation and self improvement. oh, and getting sick.

have your kids been sick too?

ugh, all three have dropped like flies with the most random sicknesses over the last week. Jack: double ear infection/cough/cold/100% irritableness. Alice: crazy coughing, turned into wheezing, turned into several breathing treatments on the nebulizer, turned into freaking mama out a bit, turned into more weird hack coughing. Ellie: cough cough cough, fever like her body was covered in fire, eventual double ear infection. = lots of pink medicine at our house = lots of ibuprofen = lots of sleepless nights = lots of Zombie mom going on = lots of Sesame Street + Jake & the Neverland Pirates.

ahhhhhHH!

guys! WHAT THE CRAP!?

anyway. last night we took Ellie to the Urgent Care. there's this new really awesome Urgent Care center by us. but when we walked in, Ellie grabbed onto my arm really tight, looked up at me with her worried eyes and said, "is this a hospital?" poor thing has a real fear of hospitals. i don't blame her. i don't especially love them myself. i assured her it wasn't - but the longer we were in there, the more and more this place resembled every hospital she's ever been in. she kept laying her head on my shoulder and i could tell she was getting increasingly nervous. finally, her name got called and we headed back to our room to wait some more. i looked over at Ellie, and my heart broke for her a little bit. i wished i could take her fear away - but it's pretty hard to erase experiences like she's had. i had a little prayer in my heart that she'd be ok and be comforted. finally, we got that little knock - and we got the best surprise ever: my good friend Candice was our pediatrician! Ellie knows Candice really well, as she has a daughter Ellie's age and we did Joy School with her. seriously, what are the chances?? immediately, the concern was wiped from her face, and she looked so calm. i felt like it was a little gift - an answer to this worried mama's prayer and her worried child's fear. what a simple way to feel God's love for me and my little family. God is so good.

and for the record: i highly recommend visiting a doctor friend when your kid is sick. it's such a pleasant experience compared the inevitable awkwardness that usually ensues with a random stranger doctor.

so today we stayed home and did nothing. and when i say nothing, i literally mean that i was in my sweats till 12:30 (when i decided to change into work-out clothes to make myself feel better), the girls were in random dress-ups all day, and we did not leave the house. not once. such a rarity for a weekday around here! the girls ran around giggling and making up random games all day, read books to Jack, and let him destroy all the little forts they built. Jack basically got into trouble all day long, including climbing the bathtub and nose-diving straight in, resulting in a pretty good shiner on his shnoz (and some pretty hefty tears). both girls came running to his side and kissed the heck out of those little cheeks, and then we all laid on the floor together and read our new Chatbook that came in the mail and just loved on each other. and then since we all were basically morning-wear anyway, we had breakfast for dinner, drank our pink cocktails, and everyone happily went to bed.

seriously. happily. in bed. with a lot of i love you's even.

my mom and her sisters have this thing where they always ask each other "are you winning?" when they are catching up. basically it's code for "are you above water? are you surviving? or is the enemy creeping in???" i love that phrase, and i ask myself it a lot, "am i winning?"

and so even though everyone has taken turns being as sick as can be in the last few weeks, and even though my to-do list is even longer than it was when i woke up this morning, my lil sweeties went to bed happy and full of love. so tonight i feel like i'm winning. and it feels good.

how were the beatles so smart?
all you really need is love. (ok, and the pink stuff).

xoxo

remembering is hard, so instead i'm gonna write.

it's interesting to sit down in this chair and stare at this computer and try to think of something compelling to say.

(this is me, right now, staring blankly into the screen, trying desperately to think of something compelling to say...with that frizzy hair, make-up running, end-of-the-day-haggard-mom-look i've got going for me)

words used to just flow out of me naturally. like i couldn't stop them. but now i just sit here and stare blankly. it's been like 2 years of this. lots of blank stares. lots of feeling like i needed to explain myself to everyone. lots of backspaces. lots of deletes and unpublished posts.

part of it is because i feel like blogs these days have all this pressure to "say the right thing." part of it is because i've gotten so far behind and that overwhelms me. every time i sit down and crank out like 6 posts and then i'm still a year behind and i'm way too burnt out to do it again for another 6 months. and part of it is that what has become of my blog unintentionally over the last couple of years was an inspiring place where i say things that are supposed to uplift people. and i guess i am in this new chapter where sometimes i haven't wanted to be inspiring. sometimes i've just wanted to sit on my big booty and eat oreos in peace. without anyone knowing. and without explanation. and without having to remember.

remembering is hard.

whoa. i think that's kind of profound. remembering is hard. which i think really expresses where i've been the last almost two years. in a place where remembering is just hard.

but in 2015, i'm determined not to be such a Debbie Freakin Downer! i've gotta be in the present. i've gotta live and write in the present. writing is cathartic. writing is creating. writing makes me happy.

and so that's what i'm gonna do.

i just learned that you can change the date on posts - so i can post like it's November 2013....which i just did twice, actually. so that's what i'm gonna do behind the scenes so i can not leave my entire 2013/2014 unblogged...cuz allotta cool crap happened, but i don't have to worry about being all fancy with the commas and periods back there. instead, i'm going forward from today. i'm writing again.

because writing makes me happy.

here's to a happy 2015.....filled more words and xoxo's than you'll know what to do with.

side note: i've missed this.

xoxo

April 2014: Random Moments (aka: phone dump)

so many fun moments to share from our last moments before new baby #4 rocks our world:

1) we went to Jeff & Marie's new house- checked things out before they moved in. we loved it. and the girls loved finding sticks and sword fighting with them. i have a feeling that sword fighting with boys looks much different from this...

2) Saturdays filled with errands and projects. thank goodness for daddy who doesn't mind carrying them around on his head, shoulders, and by their toes.

3) joy school was all about the letter U- so we made umbrellas together that were the cutest thing. i love this little group of joy schoolers!

4) Mrs. Shelley has agreed to letting Alice come to Ellie's class when i volunteer each week which is so awesome! Alice loves it, and it makes it so much easier for me to be in the class. this last week, Alice even got to sit in for story time on the rug. she felt very special to get to do that.

 

5) Alice lives in costumes and at the art table. she LOVES this spot SO SO MUCH! she is becoming quite the little artist- i love her creations.

6) i'm still growing and still going to the gym...which i feel super proud about because i've never exercised so late in any pregnancy. it feels so good to have some me time, too! i'm grateful for late kindergarten (she doesn't start until 9:55) and a hubby who doesn't leave super early that gives me the chance to do that (i usually get to the gym around 6:15/6:30). i feel better than i have in any pregnancy and that's just awesome.

  

7) my friend Jenny mentioned to me that she has the girls help clean her floors with washcloths and ice skating with them....such a good idea! so i decided to implement it too. my girls need to learn to help more around the house; i stink at helping them learn that because i rather just do it myself rather than add the time and battling it takes...........not the best mentality. so i'm trying harder!

8) the baby of the house is soon to not be the baby anymore! love that Alice girl. i can't believe that she's so big....i'm so grateful for this little healer girl who has been my baby and my big girl and my buddy and my lil shadow all in one for all the months. i hope we all adjust to our new roles ok when this baby comes! it's hard to not worry about, you know?

  

 

9) my visiting teacher, Ali Horman, insisted on throwing a little shower for me for this baby. i really didn't want it, but it ended up being fun and sweet of so many sisters in my ward. i love my ward a lot.

10) for Max's birthday last month, we planted forget me nots in my pots- and they are totally blooming right now! i noticed them on a day when i extra needed it. felt like Max was near which i loved.

11) leaving the girls room this night had me in tears. i wrote about it on instagram:

I just came out of the girls' room and can't stop the tears! I read them the story "Love You Forever" - which is just asking for it - but our conversation that followed was so pure, so sweet and so full of perfect love. Ellie asked me if I was sure we'd get to keep our baby- a question she asks me almost every day lately. I told her that he is so healthy and there is no way of being 100% sure...but I was pretty darn sure. She responded with a simple, "I love him so much and hope we get to keep him." Alice then chimed in, "and I love Max too even though we couldn't keep him!" I was holding back tears and I told them both that I loved each of them so much and was so glad that they are and would always be my loves, no matter what. Ellie kissed my teary cheeks and said, "and I'm so glad you'll always be my mommy, no matter what." #Becauseofhim this kind of love is possible. #Becauseofhim I am learning from the best lil teachers in the world of what love is and how to truly love. And #becauseofhim I know that no matter where life takes me or them, this pure love is constant and sure - and will go beyond this life and into the eternities.

12) the cute YW in our ward did the cutest surprise egg hunt for the girls one day! they doorbell ditched us, and we came to the door only to find there were eggs hidden everywhere. i thought it was the cutest most thoughtful thing! and i loved that my girls were in their dress ups for their hunt...totally our stage of life right now!

12) one of my very favorite things of living where we do is getting to got to Stake Conference on the grounds of the Oakland Temple. i grew up dreading stake conference because it was always sooooo longggg and it was hard to pay attention to a bunch of people i didn't know while i was sitting so dang far away. not anymore. i look forward to it to hear my friends in the stake speak and sing and hang out on the grounds together afterwards. i'll always treasure these years we've lived here that taught me to love and look forward to Stake Conference at Temple Hill.

xoxo

January 2014- January Randomness

in looking through my iphone reel, there was a whole lotta January random awesomeness and just plain randomness but also adorableness that deserves to be remembered. so. here's a classic phone dump at it's finest:

the girls are head-over-heels enamored with their soon-to-be aunt Marie, Jeff's fiance! she is darling  and we can't wait for her to be in our family.

we got a new place by us that serves Shave Ice....which is life-changing! i LOVE shave ice, so this is good. this is very very good.

on the last day of our Winter Break, we took the girls to the Holiday in the Park at Six Flags. these girls LOVE "Sixa-Flags" as Alice calls it. it was a way fun family day.

Alice is such a lil daredevil when it comes to riding roller coasters. this one little roller coaster had M and i laughing our brains out - it was a dropping one - and i've NEVVVER heard Alice scream like that! i felt bad to laugh so hard, but man. she was petrified.....and then, asked to ride on it again and again! what?? so hilarious.

in other noteworthy January news, Alice became a sunbeam! i love being in Primary so i can sneak peeks of my kids in Primary. serving in Primary has meant that i have gotten to see both girls through this big milestone and i feel so lucky! it is so fun. Alice was so cute doing all the songs and actions. i love her.

i got a new little vanity set that M built for me (ikea style) -- and the girls LOVE sitting at it and admiring themselves there. it is pretty dang cute.

Ellie is rockin' it on the high beam at gymnastics lately. remember when she used to be terrified of that thing? not so much anymore!

 

Alice is as adorable as ever doing gymnastics too. she is sooooo flexible it's not even funny! the coaches seriously tell me all the time how incredible she is. i try to not acknowledge it too much because i don't want her head to explode.  but holy cow, isn't she so adorable? i love these girls. 

and January in California is always the best -- backyard picnic + 70 degrees? a day trip to the zoo? park days?? yes please!

 

but it IS January- which means the rain did come -- and you'd better believe these girls were ready to gear up and play their hearts out in it! 

 

ALSO, we moved the girls out of the other room and into the play room to make room for baby brother ...... and to make better use of all the space, we got them bunks! they LOVE them. and are so cute sleeping in bunks. are they really big enough for this? i have kids old enough for bunks? man. this is nuts.

annnnnddd, finally, i decided that just because i'm pregnant, doesn't mean i'm dead and can't move my body. actually, i had a moment where i looked at some pictures from Disneyland and didn't recognize myself and all the double and triple chins i had gained from those churros and corn dogs. it freaked me out! especially since i wasn't even half-way done with my pregnancy, which meant i was just going to keep getting softer and bigger and that just scared me. so i started researching eating clean and how i could make some changes to help. and so M and i have been doing that for the whole month of January...eating clean that is. and i feel so good! i am noticing big changes in how i feel physically and that is exciting. i still want donuts every minute of every day, but i'm learning to control wanting to eat my feelings so much - and that feels good. and i have been making it back to the gym in the mornings - which helps me feel so much better about myself. i'm such a head-case with stuff like this - but it really does affect my happiness whether or not i am taking care of my body.

(oh, and FYI, baby #4  is still growing good in there. cute lil man).

and so, for being January, it was a pretty good month. definitely a good omen for 2014.

xoxo