holga: my girls.

{i found this picture in my "blurry holga film roll" today and i loved it. there is just something so profoundly sweet about sisters laughing and playing together}

right now i am laying on my bed eating some craisins (because it was the only sweet thing i could find) and feeling like a shmuck thinking about my day.
Ellie was in time out for like 89% of it, and the other 11% i had smoke coming out of my ears and nose and eyeballs because i was so easily agitated and impatient.
sometimes i feel so bad for these little people who have to be my guinea pigs in this strange parenting journey.
and sometimes i wish so bad that i just knew the best way to handle an irrational meltdown over balloons while in the middle of a nordstrom shoe-exchange (for her, not me).
but i don't. i don't know anything about three-year-olds, because i've never been a parent to one before. and it's hard.
and sometimes i get so frustrated when Ellie takes the most obscure toy or snack from Alice just because she can. or when Ellie yells at Alice when she starts crying after she bumps her head because she doesn't like it when Alice cries.
and sometimes i feel guilty because now that Ellie isn't taking naps, i anxiously await the moment M walks through the door or for the clock to strike 'bedtime' so i can finally think for a minute without needing to get someone a banana or wipe a bum or rescue a toy from the toilet.
and then i sit here. and i miss them. and i realize i am letting moments slip through my fingers just because i am being selfish and want "me time."
and little hot tears well in my eyes.
because God has trusted me (& M) with these precious little ones.
He trusts me to teach them.
and to hold them.
He trusts me to patient with them. even when Alice cries and only wants to be held. even when Ellie is screaming at Alice for crying and screaming at me for holding Alice instead of her. and even when Ellie yells at me or swipes something from Alice for the bazillionth time that day.
He trusts me to do the little things like get them bananas and wipe their bums and fetch the toilet-y toys.
but He trusts me with the biggest thing- to love them, and be sure they know they are loved.
and i feel ashamed that sometimes i don't honor that trust.
being a parent is tough. real tough.
but that's no excuse.
and so now i will go kiss heads and toes and promise to be better tomorrow.
(shouldn't be too hard).

xoxo