remembering Max: meeting Elder Cook

telling the story of Max's birth really begins the day before he was born.

it was a beautiful Sunday here in the bay area. i was huge. and achy. and did i say huge? i had just had my final dr. appointment on Friday... i measured 43 weeks (i really was 37), and boy did i look it. proof:

that Sunday, i was sure that i'd have measured 45 weeks if i went in that day. i don't know how things and fluid wasn't leaking out of everywhere. but it wasn't. i just kept waddling along.

as i mentioned a few posts ago, we were having a special Stake Conference where Elder L. Tom Perry of the Quorum of the 12 Apostles was supposed to come and address our stake on that Sunday. Elder Perry came down ill, so we got to hear from Elder Quentin L Cook instead -- which was still super amazing. like i said before, i had never been in such an intimate setting with an apostle before, so it was a very touching, special experience.

{i love the Oakland temple/temple hill! (where we get to meet for our Stake Conferences). it is one of my very favorite places on earth}

but what was even more touching was that we got to meet Elder Cook. in fact, i sat right across from him, with M, his brother, and our girls -- and we ate lunch together! we talked about iPhone apps (hilarious!), the Provo temple, missions, branches in Cuba (mi tierra!), Disneyland (you can see where my priorities are), his grandchildren, and about Max. we told him about our situation with Max, and that he would be born the following day. he asked us simple, yet concerned questions. he was compassionate, and asked us if he could speak to us privately after the luncheon. heck yes we would! you don't have to ask me twice!!

and so, after a Q & A meeting, we got to go into a small room with our close family members (including my mom, M's parents, his brother Jeff, and his grandparents) and talk with Elder Cook. he addressed M and i -- talked to us for a few minutes, and then requested to give me a blessing. it was a sacred experience -- one that i won't elaborate too much on because it is too precious. but i feel like i can honestly say that i know he is a special witness of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. i know he knows them personally - and i felt heaven so very near in those moments of my blessing. it was incredible, tangible, and real; and brings tears to my eyes to even think about it. i know that the power of the Priesthood is real -- and i know that the blessing was and continues to be an anchor to our family through this whole journey. i am so incredibly grateful to my Heavenly Father for this experience -- which was a true tender mercy given to us. i've always felt like He knows me and loves me, but since that day, i feel like i can truly, confidently say that He is acutely aware of every aspect of our lives. He cares about the things we care about. He knows what burdens us. He wants us to be happy. He wants us to be like Him. what a perfect Father He is.

after the blessing, i felt armed with strength and confidence like never before. i wasn't afraid. i knew more than ever that God was in control. i hugged Elder Cook, and told him that i'd treasure that day for the rest of my life. and i truly will! what a remarkably memorable experience for my little family - and what immaculate timing to be so empowered before Max's arrival. God is so aware of us all, of this i am certain.

xoxo

love week: i love little hands

right now i am currently sitting at the computer, listening to Alice's little hands fidget with the doorknob to her room. she should be taking a nap -- but today she had the "ah-ha!" moment where she finally realized she can get up and open the door whenever the heck she wants. good-bye nap time. sniff.

but in spite of me being sad and mourning the loss of yet another naptime (and all-too-soon, might i add), i am loving picturing those little hands opening that doorknob. i love little hands.

have you ever thought about how many things we use our hands for? and how many ways your little munchkins discover the world with their hands? the ways are infinite! and all infinitely adorable. let me give you just a few examples:

i love how little hands grasp cups and drinks -- and that we, as adults all say the well-known and well-rehearsed lines: "use two hands or you'll spill!!" and they do.

i love how little hands have painting parties and make realllllllly big messes. ok so i don't love the messes part. but yes, the painting parties are so fun and cute.

i love the little finger foods that little hands eat. and i love seeing little hands hold a lollipop.

i love how little hands pretend and give you check-ups (one of my very favorite things that Alice does these days) and pour you tea at tea parties.

i love how little hands give thumbs up. and i love how little girl hands always have speckles of nail polish or are freshly painted (at least that's how the little girl hands are in our house).

i love how little hands hold things like umbrellas and swords (if you're Alice). and i love watching little hands turn pages to books (if you're a bookworm like Ellie).

i love watching little hands climb and bike and blow bubbles.

i love watching little hands clasp around someone's neck or body in the tightest embrace. little hands and arms give the best hugs.

 i love when Ellie + Alice hold hands. it always makes my heart melt.

i love how little hands love to make things. we spent the morning busily working on our Valentines for our friends + family -- Ellie and Alice were so pleased with themselves! Ellie is getting so good at writing and cutting -- i love watching her little hands in action. and i love watching their little proud hands holding their beloved creations.

and i guess i've been thinking about little Max. and how he doesn't have normal little hands that will be able to do all of these beautiful and wonderful things. and that's hard. and it still makes me cry sometimes. and i know if we do get to keep him for a while, his life will be beautiful in so many other ways -- i mean, how special is it that we'll get to be his hands? it's something i think about constantly. such a special privilege. but it's still hard.

speaking of Max, there isn't much new to report. i'm still contracting like nobody's business and exploding with fluid -- which is a pretty gnarly experience. it's gotten to the point that all the strangers out there think i'm due yesterday, even though technically i should have 2 more months of this thing...but i tell them any day now, since that's the truth of the matter and it's just easier that way.

i've now had the amt of steroid injections that Max needed -- have you ever had steroid injections? what a trippy experience. my mom was here while i had 2 of them and kept telling me, "wow, you're super pingy. one minute you're crashing and the next you're talking a hundred miles a minute." and it was true. and i didn't sleep at all every night i had one because they made me so restless and trembly. in short: i was a total whacko! i'm so sorry to any of you that have to be on steroids all the time.

other than that, Max is physically the same. but we did have an amazing week with our doctors. i love good doctors -- and i have to say, i feel like we have the best. i can't even imagine what this whole experience would be like if i was uneasy about the care we have been receiving. what a blessing to have wonderful physicians! anyway, in my appointment with my OB, Dr. Wells last week, we had a lot of questions about the actual delivery day for him. we wanted to know who would be in the room, if they were going to whisk Max away immediately when he was born, if any of this was dangerous to me, and if there was anything i could do at all to prevent preterm labor. he was so calm and direct in answering all of our questions -- explaining it would be a very full room, they would certainly whisk Max away, this delivery should be as normal as possible (and not dangerous at all) for me, and there was nothing i could do to prevent my body's contractions, dilating and water breaking -- and to be prepared for it to "fill my shoes." he gave me a time frame- suspecting i'd go between 34-36 weeks. i'm 34 weeks on Friday, so that mental image of my shoes being filled with water is consuming my thoughts- both in daytime and dreamtime. especially when i'm in really awkward places like the post office, or church. i mean how weird would it be to fill my church shoes with water?? oh well, i'll add it to my tab of crazy junk that happens to me...and be sure to document it for you all!

anyway, after answering all of those questions of mine - M then asked one final question. he asked about Dr. Traynor's comment the previous week -- that this was a literal "fight for life" now for Max. we wanted to know if that was said because of the added risks of preterm labor. Dr. Wells folded his arms and looked at us, shaking his head and explained something like, "No. We deliver babies at 28 weeks who do just fine and make it. what Dr. Traynor has noted is complicated -- so many things are going on with this little guy, and new things keep coming up -- and so it is the collection of all these things that are going to make it a fight for his life. but we're going to do everything we possibly can to get him to make it through it all...." and then he paused and added, "but it's in God's hands." and then he gave me a huge hug. my OB! and you know what, it meant a lot to me.

and those words have resonated with me, because it's true, and it's what i believe and what i know: it's in God's hands. 

and how wonderful His hands are. the most perfect. the ones who can do anything and make anything happen. i love knowing His hands are in control -- guiding and aligning all the pieces in the way that He knows is best. and so i know His hands will be fighting the fight with us -- whether that fight is helping us learn to be little Max's hands or helping lift us up if He needs Max to come home.

see you back tomorrow for a love-day full of loves??  lovely lovely lovely.

need to feel even more love? check out:

Denae

Elyse

Tiffany

xoxo

i love mormon messages: the Book of Mormon is true.

just preparing for my YW lesson and watched this new mormon message about the Book of Mormon.
i still have "goosies" (as JLO calls "goosebumps") all over.
i love the Book of Mormon and know it is true.



then i stumbled upon this mormon message too, and it made me smile...
especially hearing Ellie sing right along.



i love Sundays.

xoxo

i love mormon messages.

preparing for my YW lesson on Sunday, i came across this.
i was touched.
(ie: it made me cry. + it made me want to be better).
so... i thought i'd share.



life can be so hard sometimes.
and yet through all the pain, He is there.
He is here.

i love my Savior.
my Rescuer.
Our Redeemer.

big hugs.
xoxo

easter beliefs.

every morning when i wake up, i check the weather forecast for the day.
i'll admit, i get slightly bummed when i see the drizzle rain-drops and gray clouds.
but then i get excited to wear galoshes and have an excuse to sing "singin' in the rain", and to have a cozy movie day inside.
sometimes several of those cozy days inside can make me go bananas and so we get brave and wet as we trek to the library or target to peruse the $1 spot.
and just when those rainstorms feel like they are going to last forever and ever, they pass.
and i wake up one morning to see warmth and sunshine and blue skies in the forecast.
i feel my heart skip a beat.
and all i want to do is wiggle my toes in the grass like Rapunzel and sing a song about running and racing outside.
i feel rejuvenated.
and new.

i was thinking about this weather stuff when i was in the shower this morning.
and it made me think of the Savior's resurrection, which has been on my mind, just has it has been on yours.
how sorrowful and dark it must have felt when He died.
sometimes i try to imagine being Mary, His earthly mother- how horrible it must have been to watch her son endure all that He did, all throughout His life, including Gethsamane and finally the cross.
knowing all that she knew, her heart must have been so sad when she saw Him treated the way He was.
it must have felt so cold. and bleak. and almost like the sadness would last forever and ever.
but rainstorms always end.
and on the other side will always be a miracle.
because sunshine and warmth and blue skies came.
and sometimes i try to imagine what it must've been like to be Mary on that third day, too. to see first-hand the empty tomb. to see Him, in His resurrected body. to realize that He conquered death. that He not only died for all of us, but that He now lives for all of us.


i am the first to admit that i have a lot to learn.
i am not a scholar.
or as great of a scriptorian as i wish i was.
but i do know the most precious truth that can be found on this earth:
that Jesus Christ died for me. and you. and all of us.
and that now He lives.
and to me that's amazing because through His death and resurrection, He made it possible for us all to conquer death.
so we can be together again someday.
with our families. and with Him. and our Father.
and to me, that's the warmest sunshine i've ever felt.

Happy Easter.

xoxo

i believe in prayer

on one hand, i really don't want to be the type of person who just complains and complains and gripes on my blog.
on the other, i don't want to create this image of myself and my family that we're all hunky-dory, singing songs-happy-all-the time, and problem free.
because we're not.
the last few days- weeks really- have been tough for me.
to sum it up, i have just felt like a super poopy mom.
and i've smelt like one too.
seriously.
so this morning i prayed really hard.
i really just wanted to be a better mom than i have been being.
and i knew that i needed some extra help.
so i asked God to help me.
to help me be patient. (because i am not by nature a patient person)
and happy. (because i seem to be frazzled and frustrated too often these days)
and to see Him and His hand working in my life more.


right now i have these little hot trickly tears down my face as i think of my day.
we didn't go to Disneyland.
we didn't do anything super extravagant.
but it was good.
i felt good.
and as i look at these little faces....

...i see His hand in my life.
and i keep having the thought:
prayer works, my friends.
yes indeedie, it does.

xoxo