baby #4

now don't get confused anyone....
(i mean, anyone referring to my 3 loyal readers who have remained true through my 18 month hiatus)
this is a FLASHBACK.
to when i found out i was pregnant with Jack.
don't go starting any rumors that i'm pregnant. because i'm most certainly not. gosh. i need a good couple thousand days' break this time around.

so the big topic was lurking in the air between M and i and this point of our lil journey was -- now when do we get pregnant again? do we even want to get pregnant again?
it was such a challenging topic. because on one hand, i had JUST had a baby. my pregancy was so tough! i had gotten so big and it was really hard on my body. i ached all over. i was so exhausted. physically it sounded so hard. and emotionally, well, i felt broken. i was physically exhausted partially because of my emotional exhaustion... was pregnancy really the answer to fix all of that? wouldn't it make things worse? what if we did get pregnant our next baby had struggles too?

 now, aside from it being all about ME (geeze, i'm so selfish sometimes), i also thought of the girls - specifically of Ellie, who was definitely old enough to have her own reactions and emotions toward the whole experience. i worried about them - and how they'd view pregnancy and having children if we didn't have any more. would they think that death was a normal ending to pregnancy? would they fear that chapter when it came for them?

aside from these feelings were the very real feelings that never left my side of the longing for a baby. getting to bring a baby home. getting to love and nurture him - bathe him and dress him. for the girls to love on him tirelessly and teach him and giggle with him. i knew with all my heart that we did have more children waiting for us. and when it came down to it, i felt deeply impressed like the only thing that could help heal me and heal us was to have another baby.

enter PREGNANCY #4.

i got pregnant and was IMMEDIATELY SO sick and SO exhausted. on top of that, i was SO perplexed by my emotions regarding the whole thing. as i previously stated, i was confident that having a baby would be the thing that would help heal me and heal us. but i think i expected that healing to come immediately and was completely blindsided when it didn't. in my journal, i wrote, "I'm not really ready to delve into how I am feeling about the pregnancy yet. I'm so confused by my emotions and reactions. I'm sad and I miss Max. And all of a sudden I remember too many things that I had almost forgotten. Most of which is that this baby isn't Max. This isn't bringing him back. I hope he knows that I am not trying to replace him. In spite of those confusing feelings I'm having, I am deeply happy and incredibly anxious to have a baby.... While I am cautious, I must add that I am supermely grateful. I hope I can be the mama that this baby needs."

when we told the girls about the baby, they had a similar reaction. they were cautious. it wasn't like when we had told them we were pregnant a year ago and it was so carefree. you could tell that they didn't know how to express it but they didn't jump up and down to celebrate. and maybe they really mirrored how i was feeling. because there would be a lot to happen before we would get a little baby here. and that's a hard fact to embrace. so much uncertainty all over again. it takes so much faith in God- to know that he is control. and that it will work out as it should. but at the end of the day, in spite of hard things and challenging times, i do have that faith in Him. He has never let me down before and i know He never will.

and so, with that, here we go, pregnancy #4!

whoa.

^^ these pictures were how we announced on instagram/facebook that we were expecting! while their initial reaction to me being pregnant was cautious, i knew they were really excited...especially Ellie who wouldn't stop drawing pictures of our family with another baby in tow. cutest lil humans!

xoxo

love week: i love babies.

i love babies?
oh my gosh.
did i really just say that?
i can't believe i really just said that.
because if you remember, my little Ellie, bless her adorable heart, was a monster baby. proof:

she gave me that look wayyy too often the first year of her life.
wait, she still gives me that look wayyy too often.
{noted: i just looked through several pictures of Ellie trying to find one of her screaming like that one i posted. and surprisingly, there weren't very many. which would seem to suggest that i made up her infant rantings in my mind. but, i have witnesses. inlaws, parents, siblings- they'll all attest that Ellie was a bit of a scary baby. don't get me wrong, i was enamored with her- she was my first baby! geeesh. and she was super duper cute- proof:

 

all these pictures of Ellie are when she was the exact same age as Alice (within few days or so). it amazes me that though they each have their own look, they definitely look a ton alike. and look how much hair Ellie had! wow. i loved that little mo-hawk so much. 

but i just didn't looove the baby stage so much.

i was stressed all the time.

and wondering non-stop how to get her to stop crying so much.

i didn't take the chance to enjoy the small things because i was so worried about doing everything right.

it was exhausting.}

and yet now, with baby Alice, the sugary-sweetest baby thing that ever lived, i find myself loving babies.

i love chunky baby thighs-they are absolutely squishy and delicious.

i love the way babies smile at this age with their whole mouths open.
though i do worry that a fly will just buzz right on in one of these days...

 

i love how expressive babies are.

in any given moment, you could capture hundreds of different emotions smeared across their cute faces. one of my personal faves is the look of disgust/surprise: 

i love how you can strap a baby right on you in a sling or a baby bjorn.
and i love how they love that.
it's like they like to see the world as you see it.
or sleep while you see it.

i love baby clothes.
especially a onesie. nothing is cuter to me than a baby in a onesie and nothing else (well, besides the bow, of course).

 

i love the way babies smell.
especially when they get right out of a bath.

i think that's the way heaven smells.

i love the way babies have little flailing arms and grabby hands.

i love the way those hands grab onto things soooooo tight.

i love baby staring contests.
Alice always wins.

i love watching babies sleep.
they look so peaceful. and perfect.
i also love holding them when they sleep.

because they're so dang cuddly. and nuzzly.

i also love when babies wake up.
they are the happiest when they wake up, giving you tons of smiles and coos (or in Alice's case, squeals).

i love how babies are constantly checking things out and constantly amazed by their surroundings.

  

discovering the world with a baby is like rediscovering it yourself.

i love baby skin.
that weirdo phrase "soft as a baby's bottom" is pretty dang true.

{i love Alice's skin in this picture- even with the weird shadows on her face. baby skin is just so lovely.}

i love the innocence of babies.

they don't know how to defy you yet.
they don't decide between good and bad yet.
they're just heaven-fresh.
you are their entire world.
and there's something so unique and precious about that.

i just love babies.

i hope you are feeling the love this week.
and do me a favor- if you're doing love week, will you let me know?
or maybe just let me know something that you're loving lately.
because reading about your loves helps me feel the love, too.
and i love feeling the love!

xoxo

my nursery is lonley.

hi. it's me.

i'm still here.

sigh.

i really wanted to post pictures of the nursery WITH a baby...but seeing that she is being a stubborn little thing, i decided to let the nursery make its lonely debut without her.

what do you think? i really love it. there are still little things i want to add... but i love it. M really has worked his little heart out getting everything all perfect for this little person...and i just sit in there on that wonderful chair thinking...and dreaming...and wondering...and hoping that the day will come soon.

preggers update: i'm scheduled for induction on wednesday. i really want to go on my own- but i will NOT refuse the drugs if she hasn't come by then. it's amazing how you can go an entire pregnancy without stretch marks and within days notice little lines dancing across your tummy...i just keep getting bigger and bigger, which means she just gets bigger and bigger, which really makes me nervous. eek. but things are good- just waiting...and waiting.

thank you for all of your love and prayers! sorry i haven't been able to keep up with returning texts and phone calls. i love you all and appreciate your love so much. AND, i promise, the MINUTE i notice anything labor-ish, i will blog about it and keep you posted (as much as possible) on the process. can't wait for the fireworks to really begin!

xoxo

i wonder...

i keep having this song pop into my head today...as i wonder about so many things... as baby's d-day is exactly one month away (heart skips a beat).

"what will this day be like? i wonder...
what will my future be? i wonder...
it coud be so exciting to be out in the world, to be free
my heart should be wildly rejoicing
oh, what's the matter with me?

i've always longed for adventure
to do the things i've never dared
and here i'm facing adventure
then why am i so scared?

Julie Andrews as Maria in
The Sound of Music

there are so many things i want to add to Maria's wondering. for example:
1. i wonder what this sweet baby chappy is going to be like...
2. i wonder if i'm going to be a good mommy
3. i wonder what it will be like to realize that i am in labor
4. i wonder what it will feel like to not be pregnant anymore
5. i wonder if i was nice before i was pregnant...
6. i wonder what it will be like to see my parents and M's parents as grandparents
7. i wonder if i am going to deliver early...or (eek) late...
8. i wonder if i am going to know what to do with a newborn
9. i wonder how M will look as a daddy...i can't wait to see that
10. i wonder what it will be like to sleep on my tummy again
11. i wonder what she looks like... me? M? neither of us?
12. i wonder what her cry will sound like
13. i wonder if i'll ever be able to fit into my old clothes again... (fingers crossed)
14. i wonder what it will be like to see my siblings as aunts and uncles
15. i wonder how family gatherings will change with an infant around
16. i wonder if pregnancy will ever end...
17. i wonder if i want pregnancy to end...
18. i wonder if anyone will notice how much i really don't know what i'm doing
19. i wonder if i'll miss these baby kicks and hiccups and jabs to my ribs...
20. i wonder: am i ready for this?

lucky for me, there's another part of the song that gives me POWER! i imagine i'm Maria with that huge hat, guitar, and horrible dress...dancing along the sidewalks of Austria while singing:

"oh, i must stop these doubts, all these worries

if i don't i just know i'll turn back
i must dream of the things i am seeking
i am seeking the courage i lack

the courage to serve her with reliance
face my mistakes without defiance
show her i'm worthy
and while i show her
i'll show me

so, let her bring on all her problems
i'll do better than my best
i have confidence she'll put me to the test
but i'll make her see i have confidence in me"

so, for these crazy next four weeks, i have confidence everything will work out...and that my baby will love me...even if i am a little anxious with the whole experience...and will be a complete rookie. sigh.

for your watching/listening pleasure... just in case you've never heard the song (i'd be very disappointed in you if you haven't...)

the name game

so, after toiling and grueling over many thousands and hundreds of thousands of names, M and i have finally agreed and narrowed our list down to three.

[your help needed here].

my question to you is: which is your favorite? do you like these names? i think they're really cute..so if you really hate them, well, keep it to yourself. (just teasin). the names are (drum roll please):

1. Elizabeth Marcia Chapman

(we'd call her Ellie)

2. Annie Lynne Chapman
3. Kate _____ Chapman
(middle name still undecided)

can't wait to hear your input!
xoxo

from my point of view...

this is what i see every day:


today, i saw through new eyes:

we attended our first prenatal class.

it was...interesting. informative. funny (i know, weird, but it was). descriptive (beyond necessity at points). and actually pretty exciting (got me all anxious, nervous yet really happy and stir crazy).

we have three more to go- so i'll be sure to give you weekly updates....since i know you want to know all the details of labor just as much as i do.

p.s. we're less than 50 days away now...48 to be exact. holy smokes.

the chair.

spring break has brought many wonderful surprises. thanks to my mom, we got the greatest surprise of all today. let me introduce you to my new, most favoritest member of our family:

the chair.

isn't it beautiful?

dear the chair,

i look forward to many days and countless nights and hundreds of hours in between that we will spend together in the very near future. you are lovely...and comfortable beyond description. welcome to the chapman family.

love,

marci

p.s. i apologize in advance for the baby barf and explosions that will inevitably come in days ahead.

side note: i was so anxious to take a picture that we assembled the chair and took one right in our living room...and it's not the best. well, this will obviously be in baby chappy's room..so watch for more pictures to come. my question to you: do you like it??

look at you!

surprisingly, photo shoot #2 went much better than photo shoot #1. we took 2 or 3 pictures and BAM, done. i think it's partially my growing impatience in front of a thing flashing at me when i don't really feel comfortable in this other person's body. i think it's also partially due to the fact that i've come to terms with the fact that i will be wearing someone else's body for a very long time so i may as well just get used to it.

30 weeks! (minus a couple of days...)

my new favorite (and not so favorite) prego things:

1. she loves to roll...and stretch. i didn't realize that me feeing her move would be more than just short kicks... my favorite is feeling her stretch her back up against my tummy. it reminds me of Baloo from the Jungle Book movie scratching his back up against a coconut tree.

1a. i love watching my tummy as it shakes and rolls when she is moving like crazy. it is such a miracle!

2. i pee, all the time. i thought i peed a lot in the first trimester...but nothing compares to now. i drink 8 oz of water and i have to pee. i jump, i have to pee. i wake up, i have to pee. i cough, i have to pee. the urgency to pee is ruling my life.

3. i love that i love chocolate! i have never been a fan of chocolate...often making me an "outcast" of my gender. pregnancy has sweetened my tastebuds into craving chocolatey goodness 24-7. i relate to women in a way i've never been able to before.

4. i'm addicted to fruit. give me a nectarine, orange, grapes, cherries, strawberries, blueberries, blackberries, apples, plums...you name it, i'm in HEAVEN.

5. maternity clothes were not made for me. especially pants. my legs are too short, my cuban butt is too big. please, somebody fix this problem.

6. i must exercise to feel good. weird, yet true. i think labor still freaks me out...and i somehow feel i need to be "in shape" for the blessed event. who knows.

7. i've never been so excited to be a mom...and for mike to be a dad. i am obsessed with babies and children of all kinds. i watch them (and wonder if their parents are creeped out by me and my staring) and try to imagine what my little girl will look like and be like. i cannot wait!

"uh-hem, i have something to say"

today we had an amazing ultrasound with the doc. let me tell you what, baby chappy is a little show-off! she would not stay still for a millisecond! she was dancing, kicking, movin' to the groovin...

and then... the Nurse saw this little fist...that was totally clenched...minus her index finger. while the rest of her body was wiggling and squirming around like a little jumping bean, she left her fist there, just like this:


now, there are several possible scenarios of what she was trying to tell us;

1."Uh-hem, i have something to say."
2. "Mom, stop poking me...
Fine, I'll poke you back."
3. "I'm #1."
4. "Mom, you're #1."
5. "Look, my first booger."
6. "What's going on up there?"
7. "Can you please give me just one minute of privacy?"

the possibilities are truly endless, seeing that she can't actually talk yet.

so, after the appointment i decided, i'm addicted to ultrasounds. if i could, i'd have one every day- heck! every minute of every day, just so i could catch little hilarious moments like this. also so i could just watch her any moment i wanted to. it is such a calming, therapeutic thing to see the little person inside of you on screen. nothing beats it! it makes me so excited to think that i've beat the half-way mark- so then i can really see her any time i want.

dear 2007,

i already miss you. i get a little teary eyed thinking of all that we did together. we finished the longest stretch of education of my life--a long 17 years. we said good-bye to the library, the RB stairwell, the books, the testing center (and the tests), the long hours of studying, the papers, the carpel tunnel...we said good-bye to 800 North...and the wilkinson center. we said goodbye to quizzes (and missed quizzes due to tardies). we said goodbye to the slim lunch choices...we said goodbye to buildings filled with memories of lectures and sleeping. we said goodbye to acquaintances, friends and inspirations.

we watched many movies...and fell asleep to many movies together.

we ventured to mexico together-thanks to M's parents -- and had our stomachs lit on fire! and by fire i mean a mix of rocking boat and food poisoning. oh the good times. it was a memory we'll never forget.

we watched a lot of television- from following the American Idol journey... (and being slightly disappointed with Jordin's victory and Blake's defeat) to being awkwardly endeared by characters such as Michael, Dwight, Pam and Jim on the Office...to being somewhat disappointed by the anti-climactic ending to 24. you filled my evenings with anticipation, laughter, suspense and awe!

we made many new friends- especially within our little ward. you helped me get to know people...even though it's become harder for me as i've gotten older. we also kept many old friendships. i love thinking of the game-nights, the date-nights, the summer barbecues, the friends who had new babies, the phone-calls and the ever-important dance parties. you helped me see that life is truly about relationships.

we celebrated me and M's 2nd wedding anniversary! 2 years made us feel like pro's. you helped me remember how lucky i am to have found the love of my life so young in my life.

we entered the world of Wii together. you helped me see how frustrating tennis can be, even digitally. yet you saw me get better and better with diligent practice (even though M always wins, no matter what). you also saw me become the champion Wii bowler...with the sore shoulder and all.

we enjoyed seeing M own his first business this summer- i loved seeing his flip-flop tan line...and his happy face full of accomplishment each evening as he came home from work.

we survived girl's camp together...and it wasn't as bad as we thought it would be, even though we forgot bowls...and pots and pans... we stayed up late, we cried, we laughed, we made new friends, and strengthened young acquaintances.

we left the world of being paid "HOURLY" and entered the world of "SALARY." this was a big one for us! one that finally made us feel a little more "grown up."

with this new salary, we entered the real world together... i had no idea that the "real world" could include "story time," "snack time" and "finger rhymes." but you've taught me how to love kindergarten for a 2nd time! we made new 5-year-old friends together...and laughed during many silly moments.

we cried together as M and i discovered the little miracle in my tummy...and we survived the first months of pregnancy! we puked together, we slept many long hours, we ate the most random and ridiculous of food combinations (including, but not limited to, fried zucchini, all on its own, for dinner...i disgust myself just thinking about it). and we finally woke up one day and felt energized and full of appetite (minus the meat...i'm a pregnant vegetarian, apparently)! the most exciting part of this adventure we shared together was learning that "it" was no longer an "it" but rather a baby GIRL! i'll never forget how happy M and i felt in that moment when we learned that dresses, tights, and dolls would adorn our home for years to come.

we enjoyed a memorable holiday season together! filled with lots of the cheesecake factory (meaning tons of delicious CHEESECAKE), warm hugs, decadent desserts, guitar hero 3 (wii style), lots of baby supplies (meaning outfits, diaper bags, and pregnancy survival goods), laughs, resting, singing, decorating and most importantly FAMILY.

and then, just as quickly as you came, you were gone. so i just wanted to thank you-

thank you for giving me so many memories- for making me so happy- and for making some of my greatest dreams come true. i'll always remember you, 2007.

xoxo,

Marci

my movie column.

one thing i love about coming to the nor cal is that we always see lots of movies. M and i love to see movies, but usually ones that have made it to the dollar theatre....which means they have probably been out for a while. but not when we visit the parentals! we get to see them all- new, semi-new...action-packed, romantic comedies and children's flicks.

my opinions on the movies we've seen:


we saw Enchanted- which i absolutely ADORED. my favorite of the bunch. holy cow, could Giselle be any cuter?? i think not! i want to be her... i don't remember wanting to be a disney princess since i was 6. my baby girl loved it, too. she kicked and squirmed through the entire thing! this is definitely one i will buy the day it comes
out.

we also saw the new National Treasure. i felt very entertained throughout the movie- though it wasn't necessarily as thought-provoking as the first. i would recommend seeing it.

today we saw P.S. I love you. seeing this movie inspired me to write this blog. i am still so sad after watching it! i'm not sure if it was just the pregnancy hormones, or my real ones, but i cried through the whole dang thing. i mean, it really gets you thinking about your life...it got me thinking about mine... i love M so much- i can't picture my life without him. it literally breaks my heart. it makes me want to hug him and never let go. has anyone seen it? am i crazy for feeling this way? my advice: if you plan on seeing this show, bring a box of tissues...and prepare to be sad. in fact, i'm planning on turning on Emperor's New Groove to provide some much needed cheer and laughter.

pink power.

throw out the blue, folks...IT'S A GIRL!!

it's funny because somehow I knew it all along. i don't quite know how, because heaven knows that i did NOT want a girl for the longest time. in fact, my parents reminded me of this over dinner the other night when we broke the news to them. they said, "a GIRL!? you promised us you never would have a girl because girls were mean!" and i did. i vowed to them years ago, "mom, dad, i do not want to have a girl. i'm having all boys." well, apparently, it's not up to me.

and i'm so glad!

we're SOOO thrilled to be having a girl! i feel like the heavens above have been intricately preparing M and me for a since we've been married. we've been surrounded by the most adorable little girls for neighbors- Elizabeth, Juliette, Hailey, Madeline, Raleigh...the list goes on and on! and the most adorable nieces/cousins- Annabelle, Nicole, Kaydee, Natalie- i've been getting more and more excited week by week, year by year to do the ribbons, pig-tails, dresses, bows, tights, the love, the hugs and the DRAMA that inevitably come with having the pink goodness of a baby.

so while i am a little nervous of those "teenager years," and the crazy hormones that accompany the XX chromosomes, i couldn't be happier than thinking of holding my baby girl.

a baby in my tummy!

it's true...we're parents-to-be! we couldn't be more excited. i'm 12 weeks along....but somehow it seems longer. maybe it's a combination of the barfy mornings and endless trips to the bathroom.

i can't help but smiling every time i think that there's a little human inside of me. i can't remember the last time something has made me so happy... sometimes i get a little freaked out by the whole thing (mostly the thought of delivery...i mean, is an eight pound thing really coming out of THERE? how is that possible? nevermind, i don't want to know...yet) but then, i get all teary eyed looking at all the little babies out there. do i really get one!? is this for real?

i feel blessed...and tired. have i ever been this tired? if so, i don't remember it. exhaustion like this can only be matched by a 50 year old car.

which leads me to another thing; i feel guilty saying this, but i honestly always thought that pregnant women HAD to be exaggerating or milking the whole pregnancy thing to some extent. but now, i know it's all true. you truly feel nauseated...24/7. you truly feel like you can't get out of bed in the morning...either because your body is so tired, your head is pounding, or you feel like the minute you stand up, you won't be able to stop the puke... it's bizarre, but true.

all in all, i'm so excited for this adventure. i can't wait to hold the little one in my arms...and to see my Mikey with the little one in his arms. this is my dream come true!